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Welcome to The State Dining Room


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The State Dining Room, which can seat as many as 130 platinum-level campaign contributors, was originally much smaller and served at various times as a smoking room, storage area, and jazzercise studio. Not until the Franklin Roosevelt administration was it called the "Dining Room," at the insistence of Eleanor Roosevelt, who decorated the room in the height of mid-century closeted lesbian chic.

During the renovation of 1961 by architects Shriver, Bouvier & Smith, the room size was augmented modestly to accommodate the Kennedy's large collection of Catholic cult paraphernalia and idols. In the process, the original two Italian marble mantels were covertly relocated to Hyannis, Massachusetts - where to this day they are instrumental in heating the gardener's shed at the fabled modern-day Gomorrah that is the Kennedy compound. The architecture of the refurbished dining room was modeled after that of quasi-formal foyers of the Long Island nouveau riche. Below a new ceiling and its encircling cornice of asbestos-smothered plaster of Paris, mahogany wall paneling and a delicately patterned, albeit stubbornly stain-resistant indoor-outdoor carpeting were installed. The chandelier, made by the Q.T. Von Mons Company of Duluth, originally held 200 beeswax candles - which were wisely replaced with long-burning Sterno micro-torches by former First Lady Barbara Bush.

Today, when not set for a state dinner, as seen above, the mahogany dining table, surrounded by Queen Anne-style chairs, is kept fully stocked with freshly spit-roasted Texas boar, which President Bush and his staffers graze upon throughout the work day, pulling succulent chunks of still-steaming pork directly off the carcass with their bare hands, and washing each half-masticated bolus down with a tall, frothy mug of rejuvenating keg lager from the brewmasters of Adolf Coors & Company. The room's artistic centerpiece, an original oil painting of the country and western diva Dolly Parton, required over 350 square feet of protective bubble wrap during shipping to Washington from the Bush ranch in Crawford, TX. Standing colored maidservants are omnipresent in the room, where they are kept busy feverishly polishing the First Lady's set of 30 monogrammed finger bowls.

Finally, carved into the mantel below the two rococo-revival candelabra is an inscription from a letter written by Richard Nixon on his final night in the White House:

Pat - don't forget to pack my fucking pills! I left them on the the State Dining Room mantel piece.

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