Mrs. Bush Finalizes Details Of Her Forthcoming Blockbuster Memoir: "How My Heroic Hubby Saved An Ungrateful World"
Ms. Nan Graham
Scribner c/o Simon & Schuster
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York 10020
Mrs. George W. Bush
10141 Daria Place
Dallas, TX 75229
Re: "How My Heroic Hubby Saved an Ungrateful World" by Laura Bush
I have to say that I am a little taken aback by the tone of your "candid" (back where I'm from, it's call "rude as all get out!") comments on my revised and redacted proposal. Back in Texas, words like "silly" and "mendacious" are fighting words, ma'am! (Well, to be honest, back in Texas, "mendacious" isn't even a word.)
Now, don't get me wrong: I love the whole "book advance" thing. The idea of getting paid millions of dollars for something I may not even wind up being able to do is like being elected president! LOL But this whole "fact checking" and "honest feedback" nonsense is not like being president at all and is, frankly, of dubious worth. In any event, having cashed your check to pay for turning two of the guest rooms in the new place down in Dallas into a medicine cabinet, I'll try to address your niggling (George always laughs when I use that word! LOL!) concerns:
I hope this answers all your questions that I choose to answer.
- Your snippy, quarrelsome, fact-obsessed problems with the new title to the book (which George is quite adamant about, BTW, thinking the original "Twilight, Tanqueray and Torture" was "poety bullcrap") come only from your lack of understanding about the project, not from, as you skirt treason by suggesting, me having "rose colored glasses or too much rosé in my glasses."
I guess I didn't make it clear in our interview: The book will be written from the perspective of a poorly educated evangelical blind man living in the future, in a time when all the current flock of gaggling, slandering liberal commentators are -- hallelujah! - finally dead. This humbled man is going to be scrounging for food in the charred, bombed-out remains of what was Los Angeles, cowering in fear that the Chinese Army, acting on behalf of MasterCard and other rogue creditors, will track him down before the Muslims, who control America (thanks to dictator-in-exile Barack Obama), cut off his penis for masturbating. Given the distance and perspective of pretend-history, my hubby's time as president is not going to seem so bad to this persecuted vagrant as it may appear to the pampered people living today. I trust that clears up the book's point of view and mollifies any concerns you had about my taking liberties with facts, as there will be absolutely no facts involved in the book to tinker with. If eight years in the White House has taught me anything, it is not to get bogged down by the willful disloyalty of information. So, be warned: While being married to a rip-roaring drunk for all these years has made me fairly patient, if your unhealthy obsession with so-called "facts" continues, I'll just go with Ann Coulter's editor, who, I have been promised, won't be fettered with such trifling concerns.
- As I mentioned at our first meeting (right after I drove a ballpoint pen through your upholstery when you said "low six figures"): All (approximately 550) references to George's alcohol and drug use will be in the past tense and then revert to the subjunctive tense while in the White House. I'm not about to embarrass my dear, darling husband for LOW six figures, dear. ;)
- If you find the explanation for the "pretzel predicament" implausible, I suggest we just skip the whole thing. Yes, readers will be curious, but I've tried every which way from Sunday to make that whole evening sound acceptable to our teatotalling base, but if I were that creative, this wouldn't be my first book, now would it?
- Nan, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I have no intention of using this book to settle scores. I want this book to be inspirational and not dwell on the ugly, evil and opportunistic. As such, please remove the chapter entitled "My Mother-in-Law."
- Yes, I'm worried about lawsuits, too. Therefore, change all references to "that lecherous drunk who always 'accidentally' groped my breasts, knees, thighs and bottom with those squatty man-fingers after a hint of scotch" to simply "Lynn Cheney" throughout.
- If you say the title of the book I always tell everyone I read by that Fourdoor Dostoevski fellow is not "The Brothers Karma Sutra" I'll take your word for it. You being a book editor and all, you may have actually read it! LOL! That is one big relief about leaving this gosh-durn politics: I can now just tell folks the only things I read are cocktail napkins, coasters and the "riot act" when George stumbles in front of the TV when my daytime stories are on.
- Unfortunately, Bob Barnett tells me that I will not be able to include the particulars of Jenna's "lost weekend in the men's room at Cancun airport" (which I previously regaled you with at the pitch meeting with a spirited game of charades, as there are some words I simply cannot bring myself to say or write). Bob says if we use that story, it will infringe on the exclusive serialization rights Jenna granted Juggs (pottery, I think) magazine as part of the settlement of the issue of unfortunate security camera images of even more unfortunate lapses of judgment in stalls 2, 3, 6, 7 and all but one of the sinks.
- Oh, silly me! Of course, my other daughter's name is Barbara. I don't know what got into me, thinking it was Donna, Chuck or Anastasia! Change all three references to "Barbara" or "the other one." Glad I got all nineteen pet names right though.
- No, I don't mind talking about killing my cheating high school boyfriend with my car back in 1963, but let's leave in that all that "accidental" stuff, at least until Bob gets back to me on that statute of limitations thing. If he gives me the green light, I'd love to add the bits about yelling "Banzie!" out the window of my speeding Chevy seconds before impact and the wonderful anecdote about me slowly snuffing out a lit Kool Menthol on the back of my hand during questioning by the Midland police.
- Your confusion about the alterations to sentences from the first proposal, such as "my husband was [incompetent, not] ready to invade Iraq" is very simple. Dick and George have declared an executive privilege in perpetuity over many words, including but not limited to: not, incompetent, evil, torture, sinister, crazy, fraud, lying, lies, liar, arrogant, rash, obnoxious, stupid, reckless, illegal and unnecessary. Yes, this secret executive order will change much of the meaning of the book, but it will also reduce the page count by almost a full fourth! Think of the trees! And people think this wasn't an environmentally aware presidency!
- All the words you couldn't read weren't smeared in connection with a "wine stain from a large goblet" you allegedly saw on most pages of the proposal. The Secret Office of Presidential Secrets was gracious enough to edit out those objectionable words and ideas with red ink, cutting your workload by roughly one half! Some appreciation, instead of innuendo, would have far more appropriate.
In Many Instances, Sincerely Yours,
Laura Welch Bush
P.S. Are you Jewish? Not that it matters a whit, of course, but everyone has been asking.