04.09.02: Environmentalists listen up! Your dear Democratic Majority Leader Tom Daschle isn't who you think he is. Take a look at this photo the White House has unearthed: we doubt you'll be seeing it in the liberally-biased media any time soon. On the surface, Daschle's mister hippie sensitive – but the truth is, much like Catholic Priests who usually vote with their bleeding hearts, he's a pervert who consorts with animals! His pro-environmentalist rambles are just a cover for his insatiable lust for spotted owls, manatees, and caribou. What else isn't he telling you? Maybe it's that ANWR is so oil-rich that the polar bears actually swim in giant steaming pools of crude! But to drill there would ruin the splendor of what amounts to the world's biggest sexual playland for debauched Democrats. It's like a furry fetishist's Bangkok up there and President Bush needs your help to shut it down!

03.18.02: Sometimes the freedom-hating Senate "Majority Cry-Baby" Tom Daschle is alot like Popeye - without the spinach. He flexes and flexes his skinny little arms, but he can barely make a sad little muscle. Well, this week old Tommy boy tried to strut his stuff by staring down the great Homeland Defense warrior: General Tom Ridge! Unless you've been living in an artic hippie commune - you know this stoic Pennsylvanian fights daily to make sure your children are never force-fed falafel. It seems Tom Daschle thinks meaningless bureaucratic procedure is more important than getting your hands dirty throttling suicidal maniac Arabioids. Asking Gen. Ridge stupid little questions during endless hours of hearings is the way the power-mongering Democrats do things. Talk plenty and do nothing. At least Daschle's a desk jockey... he'd never have to decide which wires to cut in a suitcase nuke. But a certain red-blooded Republican hero would. God Bless Certain Americans!

03.11.02: The Daschle-led Democrats continue their pathetic crusade against true American Patriots! By failing to nominate the utterly benign and Christ- like Charles Pickering to the Federal bench, Tom and the Terror are making sure that the courts are filled with fat, bearded Jamaican women who want to tax public prayer. It's sad really - how these Democrats throw temper tantrums in a pathetic attempt to prove how big and powerful they are. The only problem with these hissy fits is... they're at the voters expense! Go out and verbally confront a registered Democrat today and force him or her to accept this fact! If they deny it, punch them in the face! Otherwise, Tom Daschle and his band of merry morons will turn our great Justice system into the "Jerry Springer Show". (And thanks to the President, we know who watches THAT trash!)

03.04.02: Help the War Against Terror by opposing America's # 1 traitor - Benedict Daschle! This national security-phobic rabble-rouser has the temerity to suggest the President has to inform Congress while he desperately protects America's tow-headed, Andover-bound children. Doesn't the President have better things to worry about than this pest's persistent nagging? Mr. Daschle seems to insist on playing politics in this most somber and serious of times. Meanwhile, the President is merely trying to preserve corporate-funded democracy that is overwhelmingly preferential to a moral, and wealthy minority. Just the way the Founding Fathers would have had it. As True Patriots, it behooves you to ask yourself: who are you with? The President and his noble attempts at ensuring a safe and happy Wall Street - or Daschle and his attempts at selling American security to the cowardly, John Walker Lindh-sympathizing, pot-smoking Mullahs who would see this great nation drown in pansy, bongo-drum beating spiral dancing? The answer is obvious, unless you're a spineless, traitorous sodomite.

03.01.02: That pansy Tom Daschle likes to paint himself as a friend of the working man, but the truth is much more insidious. We all know that Labor Unions are mob-run rackets that rob the humble and benevolent wealthy of their hard-earned billions, but Daschle manipulates the working man into believing otherwise. Big Labor is run by intestine-slurping zombies and Daschle is the head living dead. He and his army of Communist undead goons hope to continue their populist campaign of carnage, helping to bilk innocent robber barons out of their yachts that were paid for by the toil of blissfully ignorant laborers who don't need fancy labor contracts - just bowls of delicious clean water and crusts of non-moldy bread. So stand against Daschle! Because you have the right to work in any conditions that Master deems fit!

02.26.02: Social Security isn't a social contract between the government and its citizens - it's welfare for elderly drug addicts, hippies, and communists. Tom "Mr. Sensitivity" Daschle seems to think Republicans don't care about retirement - but we do. We're the party of individuality - where any intelligent, well-connected Caucasian corporate executive can reap the rewards of a retirement pyramid scheme instead of sucking off the engorged government teat. Why help those who refuse to help themselves? By supporting Lying Tom, his gaggle of whiny Democrats, and Social Security you are supporting outright theft. Social Security is crusty, gourmet bread taken out of the mouths of innocent amateur golfers snacking at the country club buffet and given to lazy, and questionably crippled beatnik grandparents who were too chickenshit to fight in WWII (the big one!).

02.18.02: It's a real shame those (closet Communist) Senate Democrats missed out on an opportunity to help noble, bipartisan Republicans pass the much-needed Economic Stimulus bill. It's also a shame that every time patriots try to forge a more secure America for those who can afford it, fetus-murdering Christ-haters like Tom Daschle have to go and ruin it. Sure, this illegitimate Senator from a redundant state will babble incoherently about deficits, surpluses and historical precedents - and moan like a bitch about poor old Social Security. Well friends, the only security you're gonna get from a pansy crook like him is the Tax Gestapo smashing down your front door and taking away your DVD player and SUV keys! So stay White and Republican - between the tax breaks and insider trader info, you’ll grow old with a sound mind.

02.03.02: These truly are the times that try men's souls – the country is at war, the economy is in recession, and the baby-faced, baby-killer Tom Daschle continues to threaten the seams of the grand American quilt. This sorry excuse for a Senator from South Dakota has officially shelved the President's much-needed Economic Stimulus Package – a legislative first aid kit of tax cuts for the impoverished. That's right - instead of helping colored teens get jobs at McBurger Hut, Tommy Boy would rather be just another filthy liberal obstructionist, washing his hands in the blood of hard-working Americans who toil for the hard-working executives of unregulated, God- fearing, economy-invigorating multi-national corporations. Thanks for nothing, Tom! Why don't you do us all a favor and take a bath with a toaster already!

01.24.02: The generous Senator from South Dakota has slithered out from his hole in the ground and is attempting to "lead." We’re sure the sorry liberal bellyachers in his almost totally unpopulated non-State are pleased to hear that! The slimy obstructionist has told the press he’s willing to break the impasse on the President's urgent "economic stimulus package." Thanks for telling the people that matter, Tom! While you play politics, we're trying to solve the problems of real Americans, not reporters for the New York Times, the Commie News Network, and those disgusting hippies that camp out by Mt. Rushmore.

01.19.02: All Republicans want is a fair and balanced tax system. One that doesn't exploit the hard-earned fortunes of entitled heirs enjoying the spoils of misbegotten wealth, or the few captains of industry who accumulate vast wealth on the backs of millions of people. And the best case for a fair tax system that leaves these patriots alone to enjoy their money is the recent discovery that the Democrats funnel tax money into subterranean leather clubs that also double as pagan temples. This wasn't what the Forefathers had in mind when they talked about freedom of Christian religion! A famously homosexual Supreme Court Justice once wrote that "Taxes are the price we pay for civilization." To that we say, "Taxes are the price moral wealthy white people pay to keep Democrats cavorting about in pony leather bondage harnesses!"

01.14.02: Some sources have revealed to us the possibility that the already infamous "pretzel in question" was part of an Al Qaeda plot. But let's offer a more plausible culprit: the dishonorable Tom Daschle. While Democrats try to make political hay out of Enron's harmless "Going Out Of Business" sale, the potentially traitorous Daschle has been buying tons of Rold Gold & Mister Salty stock. That's right: this tree-hugging closet Soviet is throwing his support at a company that could be used by terrorists as a weapon against the American people and their noble leader, George W. Bush. You won't read this in the left-leaning press -- because it's the truth!

01.06.02: It's only a matter of time until Senator Daschle reveals himself as the hypocrite that moral Americans already know he is. Recently, while trying to smear President Bush's relentless efforts to guarantee reasonably-priced energy to our nation's hospitals, orphanages, and sweatshops, Senator Daschle was secretly sneaking through bills to channel YOUR tax dollars into pork-barrel mine projects in his home state of South Dakota. Mines? More like caves. He criticizes President Bush's desire to supply oil to needy CEO's, but in reality he's using your money to dig caves in his state. Does your SUV or limo run on rocks? What's next, Tom? Tax dollars to renovate Tora Bora?

01.04.O2: "Taxman" Daschle's squeaky image is really a smokescreen for a man obsessed with socialism - and who has total disregard for the office of the Presidency. Catch up on history, Tom! The Founding Fathers conceived the Senate as a body to serve and support the President, NOT to be lorded over like your own little kingdom of diseased liberalism. So learn your place, Tom! It's standing behind America's #1 hero - helping him help his friends. This isn't a time to be selfish, or partisan - it's a time to embrace patriotic, meat-and-potatoes Americans - instead of mugging them!

01.03.02: Senator Daschle is starting off the new year determined to tax America to death and keep it in a recession. Why is that, you ask? Because only by keeping the economy weak, can he and his liberal-educated colleagues push through their REAL agenda: burdening hard-working Americans. Especially Americans whose hard work, family ties, and old-fashioned ways have resulted in well-deserved wealth. If he has his way, true Patriots will sacrifice their own bread and butter to fill the stomachs of lazy crack and abortion-addicted welfare moms. Keep an eye on this Bolshevik over the next few months, as he uses every underhanded trick in the book to sink President Bush's generous economic stimulus package. We will.

12.25.2001: Can Senator Daschle be anymore of an obstructionist? The so-called Majority Leader keeps thinking he can call the shots, and so he keeps trying to sink an economic stimulus bill that will feed the poor, employ the unemployed and keep the yacht industry afloat. Why don't we just throw the upper middle class in the Gulag already? Thanks for the Christmas screwing, Tom!

12.07.2001: While holding court with a bevy of reporters from the Clinton News Network early this morning, Senator Daschle declared, "I hope that in light of our continued difficulties in the Middle East, that we as a nation will begin the difficult task of curtailing our voracious appetite for fossil fuels." Sure Tom, one day we'll all be running our SUVs on pipe dreams like solar and wind power. HA! Get a grip on scientific reality, Tom! You probably think tobacco causes cancer, too!

11.12.2001: Who's serious about ensuring airport security? Not Tom Daschle. He proposes replacing the small army of highly experienced, high school (almost) graduate X-Ray screeners employed by corporate soft money donors with a bunch of smarty pants liberal know-it-alls who'll spend all day sucking at the federal cash tit. Way to go, Tom! Why don't you just hire Mohammed Atta, Jr. while you're at it?!

10.18.2001: Anthrax anyone? In a shameless and pathetic attempt to steal the terror limelight from President Bush, Senator Daschle goes public with his little biological surprise fan letter. Never mind that before now, no one even knew who he and that homo-lover Pat Leahy were. Well, you've got to hand it to them. Whoever passes out the gold stars for sickeningly self-serving publicity stunts, you've got an appointment in the Senate "Majority" Leader's office!

09.07.2001: Over three months after hijacking the Senate by giving Jimbo Jeffords the liberal reach-around, Tom Daschle is still moaning like a bitch - this time over a simple parking space. So what if the sign says "Senate Majority Leader"? Everybody and their mother knows that the capital parking garage manager only updates assignments once a year! And that means that until February, Trent Lott's Lincoln Navigator stays put! So quit yer whining, Tom. Besides, Trent's gout has been acting up again. Do you expect him to walk the extra fifteen yards to the Minority Leader spot? Who are you? Dr. Mengele?

07.05.2001: This just in! Senator Tom Daschle was spotted yesterday afternoon celebrating the Fourth of July at South Dakota's own Wall Drug. After enjoying no fewer than three cups of the establishment's fabled 5¢ coffee, Senator Daschle not only conveniently "forgot" to pay, but had the gall to flee the scene of the crime in a Japanese pickup! Way to celebrate American Independence, Tom! You should sentence yourself to a public flogging!