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THE WHITE HOUSE

President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq

"Securing the Iraqazoid population is the foundation for all other progress, even if that foundation is built with the putrefying corpses of innocent civilians. For Iraqistazis to bridge sectarian divides, they need to feel safe. They also need mass outpatient lobotomies and Thorazine prescriptions to erase any memory of all those centuries of religious hatred."
Posted 09.14.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Remarks Preceding Moment of Compulsory Silence Commemorating Annual Orgy of 9/11TM Patrio-Grief

"So make sure to hug your iPhones, TiVos, and SUVs extra tightly tonight. Because you never know when a jumbo jet full of screaming people is going careen into Home Depot while you're shopping for interior latex to accent the crown molding in your new house, the one with the mortgage you're going to default on any day now."
Posted 09.11.2007 | Continue Reading »

Transcript of President's Call of Support to Un-Resigning, Embattled Family Values Warrior Senator Larry Craig of Idaho


SENATOR CRAIG: "I must confess, Mr. President: I feel betrayed by the GOP. It's like I've been stabbed in the back by a gang of muscled, grunting, animalistic men, feverishly thrusting their knives in and out of me, in and out, in and out..."
Posted 09.06.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Remarks to Super-Stoked Troops During Mega-Secret Photo Op in Increasingly Ultra-Safe Iraq

"Why, with the full brunt of the American security machine – which includes the US Military and the corporate mercenary industry which I call 'Warbucks' – bearing down on this soon-to-be-paradise, I feel safe enough to tear off my knickers and take a hot piss on a pile of bones out here in the open!"
Posted 09.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Bush Holds Fruitful Meeting With All-New, Refreshingly Submissive Ruler of Insufferably Snotty Frogs

SARKOZY: "Eet eez an honor to be ici in ze Walker's Point. Like you, Monsieur President, I deteste ze intellectuels, and zat is why even zough you are ze most despised man in ze France, zat I am here today, showering your stinky cowboy anus with ze famous French tongue kisses!"
Posted 08.11.2007 | Continue Reading »

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse: President Comforts Grieving Families With Pledge to Continue Rebuilding Iraq's Infrastructure

"I know how sad an event like this can make families, who can't help but imagine their dead loved ones' horrible final moments, as they screamed for mercy while Jesus gleefully reenacted that awesome X-Men 3 scene where Magneto rips up that famous bridge out in San Fagcisco."
Posted 08.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Reassures His Hundreds of Remaining Supporters Following Routine Rectal Roto-Rootering

"I know it's uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho El Hefe, all drugged up and helpless, de-pantsed, with a ten-foot robot python jimmying so far up my gayhole, it could taste yesterday's Cheetos – but don't worry: I'm OK, America!"
Posted 07.23.2007 | Continue Reading »

Gut of Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff Takes Your Questions on "Ask the White House"

Darren Lewis, from New York, NY writes: "I live in New York City. Well, Brooklyn to be exact. Am I going to die from the firey, concussive force of a nuclear blast in downtown Manhattan, or am I going to die a lingering, painful death from radiation fallout caused by a dirty bomb?"
Posted 07.19.2007 |

Note from Former White House Counsel Harriet Miers Regarding President's Order to Flip Congress the Bird

"I followed your orders, Mr. President. OMG, it never would have occurred to me to wipe my ba-donka-donk with a subpoena, BUT I DID! Sure, the Judiciary Committee stationery didn't soak up my liquid dinner, and I did get a paper cut 'down there', but IT WAS WORTH IT!!!"
Posted 07.13.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Statement on Compassionate Decision to Commute the Cruel Sentence of Would-Be Jailhouse Bottom Scooter Libby

"I know my actions are at flip-flopping odds with all my prior statements opposing the use of Presidential powers to reward the loyalty of folks like Vice Presidential hatchet men, but well, that motherfucker Scooter done blackmailed it out of me in exchange for shutting his face pussy!"
Posted 07.07.2007 | Continue Reading »

Independence Day 2007: President Psyches Up Iraq-Bound Troops with Pep Talk About Olden Days War We Actually Won

"Thank you, West Virginny! Happy 4th of July! On this patriotic day of ant-infested picnics and firecracker-mangled fingers, I'm awful thrilled to be back here, in a state so red, it can't even tell it's knee-deep in the blood of all the dead hillbillies I've fed into my Vietraq meat grinder. (Dutiful Applause.)
Posted 07.04.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Graciously Responds to Retarded Anti-Torture Ramblings of Insolent Teenaged Nerds

Yesterday, the solemn dignity of an East Room ceremony was rudely shattered, when 50 pimple-encrusted Presidential Scholars had the audacity to abuse free speech by presenting President Bush with a traitorously subversive letter. Read the President's courteous response to their ignorant, hormone-deranged screed.
Posted 06.26.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Bush's Remarks During Dedication to Utterly Necessary Monument to Noble Red Scare Hysteria

"Today, having spent over six years proactively mortgaging America to Communist China, I am awful thankful to be totally deaf to that smartypants 'irony' stuff, so that I can stand up here and dedicate this here 'Victims of Communism' memorial without totally busting a gut."
Posted 06.12.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Bush Rigorously Defends Immigration Bill to His Rapidly Imploding Base of Xenophobic Crackers

"Now for some reason, lots of folks don't like this immigration bill – and a big chunk of my base is trying to get it killed in Congress. Luckily, it's not the all-important Corporate Gazillionaire Plutocracy part of my base; it's just the piss-ignorant, dirt-poor trailer trash Bible zombie part."
Posted 06.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

Iraq Funding Approved: President Lauds Democrats' Courage to Stay True to Their Spineless Jellyfish Convictions

"This Memorial Day, I'm tickled pink that Congressional Democrats, after all their chest pounding and tough talk about pulling the plug on my pet abortion of a war, done went and tucked their packages between their legs – just like that creepy Silence of the Lambs tranny who does the hair pie dance."
Posted 05.28.2007 | Continue Reading »

Jerry Falwell Dead at 73: President Bush Declares National Day of Mourning for Beloved McJesus Taliban Huckster

"Fortunately, Rev. Falwell's body remains here on earth. No, the rest of us have not been "Left Behind". Indeed, I'm told that not only was Jerry's bloated corpse found fully clothed in his office, but that the force of its impact shattered a half-ton Louis XIV desk into literally millions of Godly splinters!"
Posted 05.15.2007 | Continue Reading »

Vice President Warns Iranian Sand Negroes Against Uppity Meddling in Their Own Country

"Just imagine how horrible it would be if some war-happy country went and did something sick and twisted with the atom – like using it to vaporize a few hundred thousand civilian Japaneses. Luckily the morally perfect United States of America would NEVER let something like THAT happen!"
Posted 05.12.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Offers Gushingly Warm Welcome to Anachronistic Personification of Pompous Limey Entitlement

"I speak for my entire Administration when I tell you what a relief it is to spend oodles of tax payer money on showing your wrinkled old twat a good time, instead of spending the loot on things like body armor, New Orleans infrastructure, or competent veteran hospital administrators! Thanks for the smoke break!"
Posted 05.07.2007 | Continue Reading »

Transcript of President's Call Reaffirming His Faith in the Competence of America's Alzheimer's Ravaged Attorney General

"I just think back to all the good times we've had, Berto: both of us equally needy, insecure political hacks hankering for cheap power and validation. Albeit, not of equal breeding. You, me, Dirty Harriet, KKKarl, Mama Hughes, we were like a mafia, only not all hairy and Italian. Good times, Speedy, good times!"
Posted 04.24.2007 | Continue Reading »

Virginia Tech Tragedy: President Bush Expresses Shocked Outrage Over Brutal Massacre He Did Not Authorize

"It's a darn shame that little Ninja fellow didn't use nunchucks or one of them cool steel stars those folks always throw, instead of causing Americans to mistakenly think that riddling folks with three or four bullets is inherently dangerous. After all, it doesn't take much to get the anti-gun crazies all hysterical these days!"
Posted 04.17.2007 | Continue Reading »

NOW HIRING: UNITED STATES WAR CZAR

The Executive Branch seeks a forceful-yet-totally-submissive team player to assume responsibility (and blame) for duties historically misperceived as falling under the pervue of the Commander in Chief. The ideal candidate will an unquestioning automaton predisposed to a myopic single-mindedness that is undeterred by facts, figures, or common sense in the face of catastrophic failure...
Posted 04.15.2007 | Continue Reading »

Senator John McCain, Straight-Talking GOP Maverick, Takes Your Questions on "Ask the White House"

"Sure, when it comes to Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, I used to have one position. But now I've assumed another position. Specifically, the position where I grovel on my arthritic knees while hoisting my sagging, pasty white hiney up in the air to be gang-drilled by the Christian Taliban."
Posted 04.10.2007 |

IRAN HOSTAGE CRISIS: President's Call Berating Britain's Sissy Prime Minister Over Wasted Chance to Kick Off Armageddon

"Jesus, Tony! What happened to the United Kingdom? When I studied history at Yale, I always loved how you Brits were the first in line to cock-slap uppity negroids, dot-headed injuns and camel jockeys. I mean, you pasty creeps once made the world your bitch, but now lookit your sorry asses!"
Posted 04.07.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Bush Offers Frank Ruminations on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's Reckless Peacemongering in Syria

"Somebody oughtta tell that gash that just because you're elected doesn't mean you get to swing your dick around – or malformed, elephant ear-sized labia lips for that matter. Think about it – why do they call it a 'mandate'? Because MEN are in charge – and Nancy Pelosi ain't eligible to join our sausage hang!"
Posted 04.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Uproariously Gut-Busting Standup Routine to the 2007 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"What a terrific tradition this is: the one day where you sleaze merchant media Jewboys and us corrupt government sociopaths can kick back a few Jäger shots and mix some insincere self-deprecation with vicious, deadly serious insults masquerading as comedy. Kinda reminds me of this one crappy website I know!"
Posted 03.30.2007 | Continue Reading »

Iraq Budget Supplemental: President Explains Why He Will Veto Democratic Meddling in His Brilliantly Executed Bloodbath

"Earlier today, the Democrats in Congress passed a war funding budget which includes a hard timeline for the pullout of American troops from Iraq. (Frowns) This is unacceptable. (Pounds Fist on Podium) This is MY war. I started it. And don't nobody else get to play with it but ME! (Pouts)"
Posted 03.29.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Statement on God's Loving, Compassionate Decision to Give Metastatic Cancer to Press Secretary Tony Snow

"As pretty much the first and only member of my administration who is genuinely funny and likeable, Tony has been super-effective at putting a human face on inhuman policies, and finding the teensiest-weensiest flecks of silver lining which cling to the huge clammy turd that is Bush-era reality."
Posted 03.27.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Expresses Support for Alberto Gonzales in Super-Boring "Attorneygate" Scandal That Nobody Understands or Cares About Anyway

"Before me, Presidents used to do their firings and hirings only at the beginning of their terms – which is stupid. If you hire an illegal Mexican to clean the leaves out of your gutter, and the lazy beaner spends half the day taking siesta, you shouldn't have to wait four years to call INS when he asks you to pay him!"
Posted 03.23.2007 | Continue Reading »

PATRIOT ALERT: Flaunt Your Unwavering Faith in Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

ATTENTION PATRIOTS: Don't let delusional Democratic lawmakers smear US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales! Download and display a handsome patriotic poster to show liberals you won't be influenced by a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo about stuff so complicated, only faggy intellectuals would even want to think about it!
Posted 03.21.2007 | Continue Reading »

Transcript of Supervillain Khalid Sheikh Mohammad's Confessing Responsibility for 9/11TM, Pearl Harbor and Cancer

INTERROGATOR: And do you confess to any future crimes that have yet to be committed, but might have been orchestrated by you from the basement of this top secret SuperMax detention fortress?
KSM: SWEET ALLAH WHATEVER YOU WANT!
Posted 03.18.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Trip to Latin America: Watch Actual Hispañoritos Express Their Passionate Love for the USA

President Bush is proud of his ongoing efforts to strengthen ties with the colorful lands and people that dangle off Texas' southern border like a necrotic hemorrhoid. It's why at each stop on his tour, throngs of swarthy Latinozoids gathered spontaneously to chant their adoration for America's globally beloved leader.
Posted 03.15.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Statement on the Sad, Yet Insignificant Felony Conviction of Low-Level Functionary Scooter Libby

"I watched the verdict yesterday on the TV concerning Uncle Dick's very own Sundance Kid, Lewis 'Scooter' Libby. First off, I feel real bad for Scooty – and not just because he's nicknamed after a dog that drags its itchy asshole across the carpet. No, but because Scooty's a swell falla."
Posted 03.07.2007 | Continue Reading »

PATRIOT ALERT: Show Your Support for Top-Notch Veteran Medical Care With a Patriotic Poster!

Walter Reed: Club Med For Heroes
Posted 03.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

Vice President Cheney Delivers Morale-Boosting Remarks to U.S. Soldiers in Super-Safe and Totally Stable Afghanistan

"A bomb? Here? (Paternalistic Chuckle) Hogwash! President Bush and I personally ordered the deployment of overwhelming force in Afghanistan to permanently crush the Taliban and Al Qaeda. (Brushes Steaming Pile of Intestines From Podium) We own this country now. So who on earth could possibly be bombing us?"
Posted 02.27.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Offers Helpful Advice to Britain's Prince Harry on His Upcoming Deployment to Combat Duty in Iraq

"Please get with the program and BEG your daddy to pull strings and score you a nice, safe gig at home – defending vulnerable kegs of Bass Ale from creepy carpet-kissers. And do it NOW, because it would be a real bummer for ME if I feel even a few seconds of guilt over you getting blown into little limey meatballs, or coming home as Prince Gimpy CrispyStumps."
Posted 02.23.2007 | Continue Reading »

Press Secretary Tony Snow's Brief Statement to Reporters Concerning Luxury Vet Spa at Walter Reed Hospital

"Let me state further that Walter Reed is the first stateside stop on many a noble, wounded hero's exciting victory parade home to decades of heartbreaking, liquor-drenched obscurity in a double-wide trailer while pondering tortured dreams of what could have been – if only said hero still had a leg(s), arm(s) or face."
Posted 02.21.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Day: Remarks by President During Visit to FREEDOM® Inventor George Washington's Slave Plantation

"This Mount Vermin place is mighty nice. Not some barren, land-locked wasteland like my puny spread. Of course, I'm sure it was even nicer back in the day – when Washington was growing hundreds of acres of reefer, and horsewhipping his 300+ nigra slaves into terrified submission."
Posted 02.19.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Delivers Warmly Bipartisan, Effusively Conciliatory Remarks to House DummycRATs

"You Dems might not like having to sit there and eat my Presidential shit waffles, but you have to give me mad respectz for having the fat stones to stand up here and condescend to y'all. It's like the nation didn't even shove my walking papers down my throat this past November!"
Posted 02.03.2007 | Continue Reading »

PATRIOT ALERT: Show Your Support for the Iraq Surge With a Patriotic Poster!

Puttin' the Surge in Insurgency!
Posted 01.28.2007 | Continue Reading »

The 2007 State of the Union Address: Transcript of President's Warm Fuzzy Speech to Congress and the Nation

"We enter 2007 with large endeavors underway, heartbreakingly epic clusterfucks to stare at impotently, political mistakes to sweep under the rug, and criminally unjust policies to re-name, re-spin, and re-sell. In all of this, much is asked of us. All aboard the Titanic; our hearts will go on. At least until that CIA-built dirty bomb goes off!"
Posted 01.23.2007 | Continue Reading »

PATRIOT ALERT: Demand That Liberal Journalists Stop Misrepresenting President Bush's Approval Ratings

Help bombard menorah-lighting "journalists" with proof of our Godly President's utter perfection AND universal popularity!
E-mail White House APPROVAL RATINGS Talking Points to Liberal Media Outlets!
Posted 01.22.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Message to Ministers & Faculty Opposing George W. Bush Library at Southern Methodist University

"I'm confident that like any religious institution, SMU will set aside any pesky ideological convictions or inconvenient ethical integrity in favor of the chance to spend decades furiously suckling at the fat cash teat of patrio-tourism. And if they don't, then FUCK THEM. Me and my shoebox of unclassified documents will just go to Bob Jones University!"
Posted 01.20.2007 | Continue Reading »

President Congratulates Brave Iraqazoids on Proud Achievement of Minting 34,000 FREEDOM® HeroesTM in 2006

"You know, in my country, whenever some poor sucker gets blown to pieces by religious or political lunatics, we like to celebrate the event by calling each pitiful victim a "hero". That way, they sound like they were brave, instead of just being regular Joe Schmos who probably pooped their pants while their lives were being snuffed for no reason at all."
Posted 01.17.2007 | Continue Reading »

First Lady Comforts Secretary Condoleezza Rice Following Vicious Anti-Woman Attack by Senator Barbara Boxer

"How DARE Senator Boxer steal my line about why you'd never make it as a Presidential candidate, and use it on that boring old Iraq thing. And for her to waste it on C-SPAN – where only a couple thousand people are watching – just adds insult to injury. At least when I said it, it was for the 3.7 million subscribers of People Magazine!"
Posted 01.14.2007 | Continue Reading »

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT: Refuting the Liberal Lie That Our Studly Alpha Male President Cried Like a Sissy Bitch

President Bush's lacrimal gland – the keenly sensitive structure which lubricates the First Eyeballs – detected a potent irritant (french onion soup vapors eminating from the fetid mouth of a dead soldier's parents), and pre-emptively neutralized the potentially lethal ocular threat. Verily, the so-called "tear" was actually a MANLY ASSAULT AGAINST A THREAT TO THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF FREEDOM®.
Posted 01.12.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Address to Convince Flip-Flopping Nation of Urgent Need to Escalate "Operation Baghdad 911"

"Apparently, and don't quote me on this cuz I ain't no expert, but them crazy Sunni and Shia really, really, really hate the fuck out of each other. Like, they REALLY believe their dirt-bag, backward, gotta-kneel-on-a-hanky-like-you're-giving-a-rusty-trombone religion is important enough to drill holes in the back of each other's heads!"
Posted 01.10.2007 | Continue Reading »

Complaint Filed by William H. Rehnquist Seeking Injunctive Relief From Posthumous CIA Interdimensional Harassment

Whereas Plaintiff's place on the BENCH OF SUPREME AUTHORITY quivers under assaults from multitudinous foes – both winged and cloven-hoofed – Plaintiff hereby demands the CIA promptly cease and desist probing Plaintiff's thoughts via fiber optic colo-rectal implants, res ipsa loquitor!
Posted 01.05.2007 | Continue Reading »

President's Warm Congratulations Note Welcoming New Democratic Congressional Leadership to His World of Shit

Dear Nancy & Harry: Please remember: within hours of the 110th Congress getting sworn in, as far as the piss-ignorant voters are concerned, everything that I have massively fucked up over the past six years is now HALF YOUR FAULT. HAHAHA!!!
Posted 01.02.2007 | Continue Reading »
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