"Securing the Iraqazoid population is the foundation for all other progress, even if that foundation is built with the putrefying corpses of innocent civilians. For Iraqistazis to bridge sectarian divides, they need to feel safe. They also need mass outpatient lobotomies and Thorazine prescriptions to erase any memory of all those centuries of religious hatred."
"So make sure to hug your iPhones, TiVos, and SUVs extra tightly tonight. Because you never know when a jumbo jet full of screaming people is going careen into Home Depot while you're shopping for interior latex to accent the crown molding in your new house, the one with the mortgage you're going to default on any day now."
SENATOR CRAIG: "I must confess, Mr. President: I feel betrayed by the GOP. It's like I've been stabbed in the back by a gang of muscled, grunting, animalistic men, feverishly thrusting their knives in and out of me, in and out, in and out..."
"Why, with the full brunt of the American security machine – which includes the US Military and the corporate mercenary industry which I call 'Warbucks' – bearing down on this soon-to-be-paradise, I feel safe enough to tear off my knickers and take a hot piss on a pile of bones out here in the open!"
SARKOZY: "Eet eez an honor to be ici in ze Walker's Point. Like you, Monsieur President, I deteste ze intellectuels, and zat is why even zough you are ze most despised man in ze France, zat I am here today, showering your stinky cowboy anus with ze famous French tongue kisses!"
"I know how sad an event like this can make families, who can't help but imagine their dead loved ones' horrible final moments, as they screamed for mercy while Jesus gleefully reenacted that awesome X-Men 3
scene where Magneto rips up that famous bridge out in San Fagcisco."
"I know it's uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho El Hefe, all drugged up and helpless, de-pantsed, with a ten-foot robot python jimmying so far up my gayhole, it could taste yesterday's Cheetos – but don't worry: I'm OK, America!"
Darren Lewis, from New York, NY writes: "I live in New York City. Well, Brooklyn to be exact. Am I going to die from the firey, concussive force of a nuclear blast in downtown Manhattan, or am I going to die a lingering, painful death from radiation fallout caused by a dirty bomb?"
"I followed your orders, Mr. President. OMG, it never would have occurred to me to wipe my ba-donka-donk with a subpoena, BUT I DID! Sure, the Judiciary Committee stationery didn't soak up my liquid dinner, and I did get a paper cut 'down there', but IT WAS WORTH IT!!!"
"I know my actions are at flip-flopping odds with all my prior statements opposing the use of Presidential powers to reward the loyalty of folks like Vice Presidential hatchet men, but well, that motherfucker Scooter done blackmailed it out of me in exchange for shutting his face pussy!"
"Thank you, West Virginny! Happy 4th of July! On this patriotic day of ant-infested picnics and firecracker-mangled fingers, I'm awful thrilled to be back here, in a state so red, it can't even tell it's knee-deep in the blood of all the dead hillbillies I've fed into my Vietraq meat grinder. (Dutiful Applause.)
Yesterday, the solemn dignity of an East Room ceremony was rudely shattered, when 50 pimple-encrusted Presidential Scholars had the audacity to abuse free speech by presenting President Bush with a traitorously subversive letter. Read the President's courteous response to their ignorant, hormone-deranged screed.
"Today, having spent over six years proactively mortgaging America to Communist China, I am awful thankful to be totally deaf to that smartypants 'irony' stuff, so that I can stand up here and dedicate this here 'Victims of Communism' memorial without totally busting a gut."
"Now for some reason, lots of folks don't like this immigration bill – and a big chunk of my base is trying to get it killed in Congress. Luckily, it's not the all-important Corporate Gazillionaire Plutocracy part of my base; it's just the piss-ignorant, dirt-poor trailer trash Bible zombie part."
"This Memorial Day, I'm tickled pink that Congressional Democrats, after all their chest pounding and tough talk about pulling the plug on my pet abortion of a war, done went and tucked their packages between their legs – just like that creepy Silence of the Lambs
tranny who does the hair pie dance."
"Fortunately, Rev. Falwell's body remains here on earth. No, the rest of us have not been "Left Behind". Indeed, I'm told that not only was Jerry's bloated corpse found fully clothed in his office, but that the force of its impact shattered a half-ton Louis XIV desk into literally millions of Godly splinters!"
"Just imagine how horrible it would be if some war-happy country went and did something sick and twisted with the atom – like using it to vaporize a few hundred thousand civilian Japaneses. Luckily the morally perfect United States of America would NEVER let something like THAT happen!"
"I speak for my entire Administration when I tell you what a relief it is to spend oodles of tax payer money on showing your wrinkled old twat a good time, instead of spending the loot on things like body armor, New Orleans infrastructure, or competent veteran hospital administrators! Thanks for the smoke break!"
"I just think back to all the good times we've had, Berto: both of us equally needy, insecure political hacks hankering for cheap power and validation. Albeit, not of equal breeding. You, me, Dirty Harriet, KKKarl, Mama Hughes, we were like a mafia, only not all hairy and Italian. Good times, Speedy, good times!"
"It's a darn shame that little Ninja fellow didn't use nunchucks or one of them cool steel stars those folks always throw, instead of causing Americans to mistakenly think that riddling folks with three or four bullets is inherently dangerous. After all, it doesn't take much to get the anti-gun crazies all hysterical these days!"
The Executive Branch seeks a forceful-yet-totally-submissive team player to assume responsibility (and blame) for duties historically misperceived as falling under the pervue of the Commander in Chief. The ideal candidate will an unquestioning automaton predisposed to a myopic single-mindedness that is undeterred by facts, figures, or common sense in the face of catastrophic failure...
"Sure, when it comes to Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, I used to have one position. But now I've assumed another position. Specifically, the position where I grovel on my arthritic knees while hoisting my sagging, pasty white hiney up in the air to be gang-drilled by the Christian Taliban."
"Jesus, Tony! What happened to the United Kingdom? When I studied history at Yale, I always loved how you Brits were the first in line to cock-slap uppity negroids, dot-headed injuns and camel jockeys. I mean, you pasty creeps once made the world your bitch, but now lookit your sorry asses!"
"Somebody oughtta tell that gash that just because you're elected doesn't mean you get to swing your dick around – or malformed, elephant ear-sized labia lips for that matter. Think about it – why do they call it a 'mandate'? Because MEN are in charge – and Nancy Pelosi ain't eligible to join our sausage hang!"
"What a terrific tradition this is: the one day where you sleaze merchant media Jewboys and us corrupt government sociopaths can kick back a few Jäger shots and mix some insincere self-deprecation with vicious, deadly serious insults masquerading as comedy. Kinda reminds me of this one crappy website I know!"
"Earlier today, the Democrats in Congress passed a war funding budget which includes a hard timeline for the pullout of American troops from Iraq. (Frowns) This is unacceptable. (Pounds Fist on Podium) This is MY war. I started it. And don't nobody else get to play with it but ME! (Pouts)"
"As pretty much the first and only member of my administration who is genuinely funny and likeable, Tony has been super-effective at putting a human face on inhuman policies, and finding the teensiest-weensiest flecks of silver lining which cling to the huge clammy turd that is Bush-era reality."
"Before me, Presidents used to do their firings and hirings only at the beginning of their terms – which is stupid. If you hire an illegal Mexican to clean the leaves out of your gutter, and the lazy beaner spends half the day taking siesta, you shouldn't have to wait four years to call INS when he asks you to pay him!"
ATTENTION PATRIOTS: Don't let delusional Democratic lawmakers smear US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales! Download and display a handsome patriotic poster to show liberals you won't be influenced by a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo about stuff so complicated, only faggy intellectuals would even want to think about it!
INTERROGATOR: And do you confess to any future crimes that have yet to be committed, but might have been orchestrated by you from the basement of this top secret SuperMax detention fortress?
KSM: SWEET ALLAH WHATEVER YOU WANT!
President Bush is proud of his ongoing efforts to strengthen ties with the colorful lands and people that dangle off Texas' southern border like a necrotic hemorrhoid. It's why at each stop on his tour, throngs of swarthy Latinozoids gathered spontaneously to chant their adoration for America's globally beloved leader.
"I watched the verdict yesterday on the TV concerning Uncle Dick's very own Sundance Kid, Lewis 'Scooter' Libby. First off, I feel real bad for Scooty – and not just because he's nicknamed after a dog that drags its itchy asshole across the carpet. No, but because Scooty's a swell falla."
"A bomb? Here? (Paternalistic Chuckle) Hogwash! President Bush and I personally ordered the deployment of overwhelming force in Afghanistan to permanently crush the Taliban and Al Qaeda. (Brushes Steaming Pile of Intestines From Podium) We own this country now. So who on earth could possibly be bombing us?"
"Please get with the program and BEG your daddy to pull strings and score you a nice, safe gig at home – defending vulnerable kegs of Bass Ale from creepy carpet-kissers. And do it NOW, because it would be a real bummer for ME if I feel even a few seconds of guilt over you getting blown into little limey meatballs, or coming home as Prince Gimpy CrispyStumps."
"Let me state further that Walter Reed is the first stateside stop on many a noble, wounded hero's exciting victory parade home to decades of heartbreaking, liquor-drenched obscurity in a double-wide trailer while pondering tortured dreams of what could have been – if only said hero still had a leg(s), arm(s) or face."
"This Mount Vermin place is mighty nice. Not some barren, land-locked wasteland like my puny spread. Of course, I'm sure it was even nicer back in the day – when Washington was growing hundreds of acres of reefer, and horsewhipping his 300+ nigra slaves into terrified submission."
"You Dems might not like having to sit there and eat my Presidential shit waffles, but you have to give me mad respectz for having the fat stones to stand up here and condescend to y'all. It's like the nation didn't even shove my walking papers down my throat this past November!"
"We enter 2007 with large endeavors underway, heartbreakingly epic clusterfucks to stare at impotently, political mistakes to sweep under the rug, and criminally unjust policies to re-name, re-spin, and re-sell. In all of this, much is asked of us. All aboard the Titanic; our hearts will go on. At least until that CIA-built dirty bomb goes off!"
| Help bombard menorah-lighting "journalists" with proof of our Godly President's utter perfection AND universal popularity!
"I'm confident that like any religious institution, SMU will set aside any pesky ideological convictions or inconvenient ethical integrity in favor of the chance to spend decades furiously suckling at the fat cash teat of patrio-tourism. And if they don't, then FUCK THEM. Me and my shoebox of unclassified documents will just go to Bob Jones University!"
"You know, in my country, whenever some poor sucker gets blown to pieces by religious or political lunatics, we like to celebrate the event by calling each pitiful victim a "hero". That way, they sound like they were brave, instead of just being regular Joe Schmos who probably pooped their pants while their lives were being snuffed for no reason at all."
"How DARE Senator Boxer steal my line about why you'd never make it as a Presidential candidate, and use it on that boring old Iraq thing. And for her to waste
it on C-SPAN – where only a couple thousand people are watching – just adds insult to injury. At least when I
said it, it was for the 3.7 million subscribers of People Magazine
President Bush's lacrimal gland – the keenly sensitive structure which lubricates the First Eyeballs – detected a potent irritant (french onion soup vapors eminating from the fetid mouth of a dead soldier's parents), and pre-emptively neutralized the potentially lethal ocular threat. Verily, the so-called "tear" was actually a MANLY ASSAULT AGAINST A THREAT TO THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF FREEDOM®
"Apparently, and don't quote me on this cuz I ain't no expert, but them crazy Sunni and Shia really, really, really hate the fuck out of each other. Like, they REALLY believe their dirt-bag, backward, gotta-kneel-on-a-hanky-like-you're-giving-a-rusty-trombone religion is important enough to drill holes in the back of each other's heads!"
Whereas Plaintiff's place on the BENCH OF SUPREME AUTHORITY quivers under assaults from multitudinous foes – both winged and cloven-hoofed – Plaintiff hereby demands the CIA promptly cease and desist probing Plaintiff's thoughts via fiber optic colo-rectal implants, res ipsa loquitor!
||Dear Nancy & Harry: Please remember: within hours of the 110th Congress getting sworn in, as far as the piss-ignorant voters are concerned, everything that I have massively fucked up over the past six years is now HALF YOUR FAULT. HAHAHA!!!|