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September 14, 2007

President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In the life of all imperialistic military empires, there come brief, fleeting moments that decide the direction of a multinational corporation masquerading as a democratic nation, and reveal the character of its blue-blooded aristocrats, conniving religious hucksters and corrupt, back-slapping robber barons. We have now been suspended in such a moment for over six calendar years.

We are tasked, those of us who vote, are intimidated into not voting, vote more than once at a time, or more importantly, have substantial stock holdings, to chose between triumphant, noble victory in Iraq or disastrous, humiliating defeat. Luckily, everything in life is just so black and white. Either you're for a peaceful Middle Eastern paradise fantasy conceived in an absurd bubble of historical revisionism and ignorance of human nature, or you're personally responsible for the bloody murder of all them Iraqazoids that will happen if Uncle Sam cuts and runs. And many will die, much the way hundreds of thousands of them have been dying since their liberation in 2003 from a dictator's deadly chokehold and into the deadly chokehold of a sham, democratically-elected, Shia-mob ruled government.

In light of recent testimony from untouchable warrior-bookworm General Petrolus, the surge is working, and it will continue to work. Peace is breaking out all over, especially in remote, uninhabitable swaths of useless Iraqi desert, thanks in large part to the military troop surge I done wink and nodded into existence eight months ago. The surge has done everything I hoped it would do, which was buy political time so I can pass the buck to whatever poor son of a bitch – or straight up bitch – occupies the Oval Office come 2008.

If you're a true patriot, one of the faithful who love America, then take pride in knowing that your President believes all of the cynical, ridiculous falsehoods he reads you off the teleprompter. If you're a Democrat, or thinking about voting Democrat in the upcoming elections, or a Republican without the balls to drown your conscience in a pint glass of single malt, then ask yourself: are you for the terrorists or against the soldiers?

Eight months ago, we adopted a new strategy to meet that objective, including a surge in U.S. forces that reached full strength in June. This week, General David Petrolus and Ambassador Ryan Crockershit testified before Congress about how that strategy is progressing. In their testimony, these men made clear that no bureaucrat in the history of bureaucracy has ever claimed that his or her bureaucracy is anything less than the most important and efficient department in the history of human society.

The premise of our strategy is that securing the Iraqazoid population is the foundation for all other progress – even if that foundation is built with the putrefying corpses of innocent civilians. For Iraqistazis to bridge sectarian divides, they need to feel safe in their homes and neighborhoods. They also need mass outpatient lobotomies and heavy duty Thorazine prescriptions to erase any memory of all those centuries of religious and tribal hatred.

For lasting reconciliation to take root, Iraqis must die. Lots of them. Only once we've killed the vast majority of them, and finally made that fake country invented by the Europeans scream "UNCLE," can we begin the slow process of remaking that entire region and passing out Outback Steakhouse franchises in Anbar Province.

Since the surge was announced in January, it has moved through several phases. First was the talking phase, where all I did was talk about surging, and how kick-ass surging would end up being. Then there was the phase where the Pentagon emotionally blackmailed soldiers into happily redeploying to Iraq in order to watch their comrades’ backs, as opposed to the corporate mercenaries of Blackwater who return to Iraq to watch their bank accounts surge. And finally there's the phase where we talk again, a little from me, and a lot from President-Elect-Of-The Future General Petrolus.

Anbar province is a good example of how our strategy is working. Last year, an intelligence report concluded that Anbar had been lost to al Qaeda. But we're slowly turning that hellhole into my adopted home state of Texas: we're arming everyone. Whipping out the Federal AmEx and passing out guns to whoever will play like they love Uncle Sam – and then letting God play referee as the bullets and shrapnel whizz.

Let me stress: I believe we should stay the surge. I believe that our mission gets even more accomplisheder every day. I believe that the war in Iraq will end the way it began – awesomely.
To the Iraqi people: You have voted for freedom, and while the freedom you voted for was freedom to partition your country along sectarian lines, we're going to focus on the whole "freedom" part, and just be happy that you're even getting that.

To Iraq's neighbors who seek peace: You need our money. You need our guns. So fucking shut the fuck up and do what we tell you. Also: the efforts by Iran and Syria to undermine that government must end, very soon, or we'll be giving you 48 hours to end said efforts.

To our military personnel, intelligence officers, diplomats, and civilians on the front lines in Iraq: You have done everything America has asked of you. Now just do some more please.

Some say the carefully selected statistical gains we are making in Iraq come too late. They are mistaken. It is never too late to deal a blow to al Qaeda. For instance: if I really, really wanted to, I could allocate proper military resources towards capturing or killing Barack Osama Hussein-Laden. It is never too late to advance freedom, and more importantly, the geopolitical goals of the multi-national corporations who I represent. And it is never too late to support our troops in a fight they can win. Although, for the record, it is too late for me to go back in time, accept the draft, serve my country with the working class I claim to speak for, and experience the bloody combat into which I blithely send other people's children to die.

Good night, and God bless America.

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