As such, I'd like for all of you to take a moment of silence in order to think about all that you would have lost if you were one of the three thousand and change who got blowed up because a bunch of brainwashed Puerto Islamoricans got it up their asses that just because the cheaper-than-soda-pop oil our entire civilization runs on gurgles up in their back yards, then maybe they oughta be the bosses of us. As if.
Seriously, take a moment and imagine that you were one of those poor fucking bastards who worked in the World Trade Center, and make sure to hug your iPhones, TiVo, Crate & Barrel throw pillows, and SUVs extra tightly tonight. Because you never know when a great big jumbo jet full of screaming people is going to fall out of the sky and careen into your local Home Depot while you're shopping for interior latex to accent the crown molding in the third den of your new McMansion, the one with the mortgage you're going to default on any day now.
On this holiest of holy days, this fortuitous gift from the political gods, just remember that the only thing that stands between our society and having to take responsibility for our actions, appetites, and lifestyle is my thunder-bolt shaped Zeus cock.
I realize also that many of you have seen the video of a certain ethnic looking Voldermort motherfucker named Oooh-Samma telling y'all to come to the Dark Side, and to reject democracy because it totally doesn't work. I know the question you want to ask: "When the hell did Jeff Goldblum grow a beard?" I want to state fair and square to those fringe critics of my policies, who include but are not limited to fat cat Washington pundits, Limousine liberals, and almost 70% of Americans polled, that going after Saddam Hussein for the crimes of September 11th is just like going after the Nazis because of the Holocaust. Saddam Hussein brought those towers down, and that's why we went into Iraq to destroy his invisible nukular bombs, so that the terrorists wouldn't invade Florida D-Day style. Got it? It's so simple. Just nod.
When I recently visited the Iraqi province of Anbar, my first thought was "I sure am glad we landed here, and not that crumbling, bullet ridden death trap Baghdad!" When I visited Anbar, I was taken aback at how one man was able to tame Sunni tribesman, and turn them against the only people crazier than us Americans: Al Kada. He did this with the power of American Express, and promised those Sunni we'd stand by them as they inevitably go to war against the Shias who we've promised to stand by as they inevitably go to war against the Sunni, who we promised to... oh you get the idea. Then there are the Kurds, but they're so docile and nice, I call them "Dirt Canadians."
The man who managed to purchase a momentary, tactical downturn in violence is none other than your future president, General David Petraeus. This dude is so badass. I mean, here's a guy who's served in the military and seen combat, and he's actually RUNNING this war! Like, you can't buy that kind of credibility. I mean, I should know, my dad tried with me! The good general told all them congressdudes that the surge is working; that we can draw the peeps down next summer, that while counterinsurgencies can last nine to ten years, this here conflict can become a stalemate eight to nine and a half years long. IS THAT NOT THE MOST FABULOUS NEWS EVER!!!!
And so, on this day of loss I bring you news of victory: we shocked and awed them in order to destroy their weapons of mass destruction -- mission accomplished -- then we bravely fought them there, so we wouldn't have to fight them here, and I still believe that once the Iraqi army stands up, we will stand down.
Until then my fellow Americans, and I'm more or less quoting General Petrolus:
STAY THE SURGE!
STAY THE SURGE!
STAY THE SURGE!
Thank you and God Bless.