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September 6, 2007

Transcript of President's Call of Support to Un-Resigning, Embattled Family Values Warrior Senator Larry Craig of Idaho

SENATOR LARRY CRAIG: Hello? Hello? I can't hear you.

THE PRESIDENT: Senator Craig? This is the President.

SENATOR CRAIG: Hold on, Mr. President, let me turn down my music.

THE PRESIDENT: What were you listening to, Larry?

SENATOR CRAIG: Oh, Patti Lupone's poignant rendition of "Memories" from Cats.


SENATOR CRAIG: To what do I owe the pleasure of your phone call, Mr. President? I have to admit, it is good to hear from you. I'm not getting many phone calls from my colleagues in the Republican Party, much less the President of the United States.

THE PRESIDENT: No need to thank me, Senator. I just thought I'd call you and lend you my support during these trying times. I fully support your decision to un-resign. I'm a believer in loyalty, in fact, the blinder and more myopic the better. I'm also a believer that it is unnecessary to resign a cushy, powerful political position just because you broke a law, admitted your guilt, revealed yourself as a grotesque hypocrite, resigned in disgrace, and a few days later decided to take back your resignation. I mean, you got responsibilities to your campaign contributors! Yours is a flip-flop I can respect.

SENATOR CRAIG: Sir, your character is on full display. You are a man of honor, and a great American.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Senator.

SENATOR CRAIG: How can I despair when a man such as you has my back?

THE PRESIDENT: And here's what those assholes in the press and the Republican sellouts don't seem to get: you've done a service for your country. Why, you've helped prove how disgusting faggotry can be. What a vile, disgusting, deviant lifestyle it is, where grown, married men tap their loafers and wave howdy to other men in public restrooms just for a chance to wash their faces in semen. By perpetuating the worst of homosexuality, you have totally overshadowed the millions and millions of healthy, stable, happy homos who make pretend they are husband and husband, or wife and she-walrus. Bravo.

SENATOR CRAIG: I'm not gay, Mr. President. But thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: Riiiiiiiiight. That's a big 10-4.

SENATOR CRAIG: Thank you. I knew you'd be one of the great Presidents the first time I saw you on the television, thrusting a grinding chainsaw deep into a thick, hard log. I remember watching you with my dear wife, whom I love with all of my heart, and telling her, "You can tell a man's character by how much he's willing to sweat to get what he wants." And you, Mr. President, were positively sticky with hot sweat.


SENATOR CRAIG: Or what about that time you heroically strode the deck of an aircraft carrier like a virile Calvin Klein underwear model to declare that our mission in Iraq was accomplished? Oh, how you bulged with delicious greatness.

THE PRESIDENT: Anyway, I thought I'd call because I was thinking "Who's the one person as politically radioactive as yours truly?" I couldn't reach Mark Foley, so I thought I'd give you a ringy-dingy! That was a joke, Senator.

SENATOR CRAIG: I know it was, Mr. President, but I must confess: I feel betrayed by the GOP. It's like I've been stabbed in the back by a gang of grunting, animalistic men, thrusting their knives in and out of me, in and out, in and out…

THE PRESIDENT: I guess the point I'm trying to make is this, Senator. Us Republicans got to stick together. Just because you suck a little cock doesn't make you gay. You know? Just because you wrap your wrinkled lips around another man's dick while he squats on a shitter don't make you a homo. And for that matter, just because you sexually stalk young male interns doesn't make you a pedophile. And just because you sleep with hookers behind your wife's back doesn't make you an adulterer. And just because you served your cancer-ravaged wife divorce papers while she was withering on the IV vine doesn't make you a slimy, former Speaker of the House. And just because you emptied the US Treasury directly into the pockets of corrupt corporations doesn't make you a crook. And just because you slapped backs and dawdled while corpses bloated in the flooded streets of a major American city doesn't make you incompetent. And just because you wormed out of serving your country during a time of war doesn't make you a coward. And just because violence gives you such a raging hard on that you start an unnecessary war in order to further American business interests at the cost of thousands of lives doesn't make you a murderer. You are who you say you are. For instance, you're a happily married man.


THE PRESIDENT: I cry sometimes, Larry.

SENATOR CRAIG: Excuse me, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: I said: sometimes I cry. I don't know why. But sometimes I look in the mirror after washing my face, and I cry.

SENATOR CRAIG: Don't be a fag, Mr. President.



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