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August 11, 2007

President Bush Holds Fruitful Meeting With All-New, Refreshingly Submissive Ruler of Insufferably Snotty Frogs

THE PRESIDENT: President Sarkozy, welcome to Kennebunkport.

SARKOZY: Merci, Monsieur Bush! C'est pour moi un privilège de visiter votre magnifique demeure!

THE PRESIDENT: Ummmm... what? Listen, cut the "voolay voo kooshay aveck mwah" blah-blah, OK Jacques-Pierre? You know what they say: "When in Rome, speak American."

SARKOZY: But of course. I vas merely saying zat eet eez an honor to be here at ze famous "Walker's Point". Who would have thought zis day would come, no? A Frenchman at ze home of ze Bushes? Mon Dieu!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, whatever. This was my old man's idea. He's still got a major boner for this foreign policy crapola, and he said we had to invite you, for diplomatical reasons. Know what I mean, Kozy?

SARKOZY: Oui-oui. But vat eez zis "Koh-zee"?

THE PRESIDENT: That's my nickname for you. Kozy. Like koozie. You know what a koozie is?


THE PRESIDENT: It's like a little foam rubber cooter that that you jimmy your brew-ha-ha bottle inside to keep it cold.

SARKOZY: Ahhhhh. I see. You know, I so enjoying my vacation here in ze "Nouvelle Eengland"! C'est très joli ici!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Small talk. Great. So remind me once again – why is it I shouldn't smash in your face for being a big French asshole?

SARKOZY: Because, Monsieur – la Belle France and America are ze best amis! Because it was ze France zat invented ze Democrazy, no? And because it was ze France zat helped America in ze revolution against ze British, no?

THE PRESIDENT: (Rolls Eyes) Yeah, I learned that prehistoric stuff in college. But what have you done for me lately?

SARKOZY: Zen peut-être it is because like you, I deteste ze intellectuels, and zat because even zough you are ze most despised man in ze France, zat I am here today, showering your stinky cowboy anus with ze famous French tongue kisses!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, that might be it. I do like to have at least one Euro-schnozz buried in the crack of my Wranglers at any time, you know? And ever since Tony Blair got ridden out of town on a rail for being my man-beotch, I've been feeling awful neglected that way.

SARKOZY: No vorries, Monsieur. Eet eez my intension to maintain – at all costs – ze integrity of ze Franco-Americaine friendship. If for no ozzer reason zen I enjoy being in ze global spotlight avec vous.

THE PRESIDENT: Awesome. Hey – Franco-American? That's my favorite lunch! You like that too? Which kind? Meatballs or no meatballs?

SARKOZY: J'adore vatever kind zat you like, Monsieur President.

THE PRESIDENT: Awesome. I like them with American cheese melted on top. I think American is the greatest cheese in the world. Don't you?

SARKOZY: Mais oui, Monsieur. J'adore le fromage Americain. It is ze only true cheese in ze world, non?

THE PRESIDENT: You betcha. Hey, you wanna beer, or some wine?

SARKOZY: Wine, s'il vous plaît.

THE PRESIDENT: Lucky for you, we got some TEXAS wine. Best frickin' wine on earth, don't you think?

SARKOZY: Absolutement! Ze very best, of course.

THE PRESIDENT: Well help yourself. We don't put on airs with no sissy long stemmed glasses round here. Just chug straight from the box, Frenchie – and don't mind my momma's lipstick on the plastic spout.

SARKOZY: (Guzzles from Spigot) Ahhhhh! C'est delicieux! Merci beaucoup.

La France is blessed to have la famille de Georges Bush comme très bonne amie.

THE PRESIDENT: It sure as fuck is. I think you and me are gonna get along real well, Kozy.

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