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August 3, 2007

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse: President Comforts Grieving Families With Pledge to Continue Rebuilding Iraq's Infrastructure

THE PRESIDENT: On behalf of the brilliantly run Department of Transportation, the ultra-competent Federal Highway Administration, and the formerly Republican-led Senate Appropriations Committee, I offer condolences to all the folks who done got killeded when our loving God mysteriously decided to drop a heavenly JDAM on this here bridge that was totally structurally sound. I know how sad an event like this can make families, who can't help but imagine their dead loved ones' horrible final moments, as they screamed for mercy while Jesus gleefully reenacted that awesome X-Men 3 scene where Magneto rips up that famous bridge out in San Fagcisco.

But today, as we look upon this twisted mass of stressed steel and crumbling concrete, let us remember that this is a time for mourning; not for asking hard questions. Out of respect for the dead, I call on big government liberals not to exploit this tragedy for political purposes. Folks here are racked with grief, and they’re vulnerable. So don’t anyone dare go brainwashing them into thinking it’s OK to pay taxes, when everyone knows that all that money just gets wasted on pork barrel projects like fixing old bridges and levees so thousands of people don’t die pointless, agonizing deaths.

I know that this bridge served as a vital artery to the people of the Twin Cities, and that its absence will cause hardship. Lives have been lost. Commerce will suffer. Drives will be longer, raising commuters’ already sky-high gas costs. In the face of such adversity, it can be easy to surrender to despair. And that’s why I want to remind folks they can take comfort in the knowledge that I am their genius leader. Because, you see, I got briefed on this whole “infrastructure” thing a few years back, and you’ll be glad to know that I took decisive action.

So just remember that that thanks to me, at this very moment, America is spending hundreds of billions of dollars to repair crumbling infrastructure. Our best and our brightest are laying fresh highways and asphalt. They’re repairing a threadbare electricity grid, and rebuilding water treatment facilities. And yes, our brave sons and daughters are working day and night to build gleaming new bridges aplenty. All this and more, in a little place known as… IRAQ.

Thank you, and may God have mercy on America.

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