President Reassures His Hundreds of Remaining Supporters Following Routine Rectal Roto-Rootering

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans: Yesterday, I briefly surrendered my reigns of power to Vice President Dick Cheney, on account of I had to get a colonasstomy in case the loving God who appointed me ruler changes His mind and tries to kill me with the ass cancer. I know it's uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho El Hefe, all drugged up and helpless, de-pantsed, with a ten-foot robot python jimmying so far up my gayhole, it could taste yesterday's Cheetos – but don't worry: I'm OK. And to every fucktard standup comic and late show host who's wondering: NO, they did not find another copy of my Iraq war plan up there!

The colonectomy itself only took like, a few minutes, but since it’s not every day I get a free pass to dive headfirst off the Narcotics Anonymous wagon, I told them to juice me up but good with the morphine. And so I want to thank Uncle Cheney for taking care of things while I was out. He did a heckuva job while the docs were plucking meat berries outta my fudge tube. I'd also like to officially support each of the 127 executive orders issued by President Dick during the three hours he had the nuclear football handcuffed to his wrist. Most important of these where:

Executive Order # 293828: Seizing Property of Loudmouth American Citizens Who Point Out How the U.S. is Simultaneously Arming Sunni Insurgents and the Shia Government They’re Fighting

Executive Order # 293855: Total & Complete Amnesty For All Members of the Executive Branch, Their Lobbyist Concubines, and Platinum-Patriot Level GOP Donors

Executive Order # 293871: Establishment of the Lynne Vincent Cheney Task Force Conducting a Thorough Cataloguing of the Epidemic of Hot Girl-on-Girl Double Dong Pornography

But I’m back. And it’s good to be back. Feeling great. No lingering side effects – and my poop pincher's still tight as a VICE.

Thank you, and may God Bless Me.