Iâ€™m proud to stand with the 167th Airlift Wing. Hell, Iâ€™m proud to stand with any military folks, on account of theyâ€™re the only Americans left who know if they so much as look at me funny, they will lose their jobs, their health insurance, their single-wides, and be scooping the familyâ€™s dinner out of rusty old cans of cat food inside of a month. Speaking of home cooking, Laura sends her best. When I was leaving early this morning, she looked up from the rim of her third breakfast Mai-Tai and softly slurred, â€śtell those chiclet-toothed banjo-pickers that I said something nice."
Many of you have already been deployed to Iraq, or are due to ship out soon, or have loved ones deployed there now – some even on their sixth or seventh tours. And so Iâ€™ve come here today to do what I do nearly every day: read some speech filled with empty platitudes about FREEDOM®, that employs cheap emotional hooks and appeals to vanity in order to squeeze applause out of whatever audience Iâ€™m cynically exploiting. (Applause.)
On Independence Day we remember. We remember a great war. A war fought by a rag-tag band of scrappy insurgents, fighting against the occupying army of the most powerful Empire in the world. An Empire so arrogant and selfish, it thought it could lay claim to every corner of the earth, and snatch all the worldâ€™s resources for itself. An Empire so in love with itself, it thought is was Godâ€™s favorite, and believed itself duty-bound to jam its style of government and way of life down the throats of anyone who disagreed with it. Many said that the scrappy insurgents could never win, that the Empire would crush them like puny ants. But the rebels fought on, and their numbers grew, as citizen-soldiers dropped pitchforks and took up crude weapons to fight for their liberty and independence. These brave and determined fighters dispensed with the rules of warfare. They hid in the shadows, launching devastating attacks on the soft underbelly of their fearsome enemy. The Empire called them cowards and terrorists. But in the end, the Empire lost. Lost because of their undeserved entitlement. Lost because of their greed and laziness. Lost because their so-called divine leader – a dude named King George – was a stubborn warmonger who couldnâ€™t accept that his ass had been whooped. Which wasnâ€™t a big surprise really, since dumb old George only got to be in charge on account of he was related to some older, smarter guy with the same name.
And you folks are the successors of those brave men. Like those early patriots, youâ€™re fighting a new and unprecedented war. So as you ship off to fight (and likely die) in Iraq, think back to that proud and victorious struggle, and let its lessons inspire you. One thing though – youâ€™ll want to do a quickie reverse on all the details in your mind, so that the ginormo Empire (us) is the good guys and the scrappy oppressed terrorists (Iraqis) are the bad guys. That way, all those grey war clouds will have silver linings – even when theyâ€™re raining buckets of organs and your own severed arms and legs.
Yes, in my war in Iraq, you're showing the blind obedience which makes for quality cannon fodder. One member of the 167th Airlift Wing, Master Sergeant JoBob Garvey, has deployed seven times since the 9/11TM attacks – and has just volunteered to go to Baghdad for an eighth deployment in September. (Applause.) Our fellow citizens should listen to what JoeBob said: "This war is something that has to be done – either over there or here. And I think it's best we fight it over there, so we don't have to face them where we live." (Applause.) "I'm proud to serve my country like those before me – for the cause of FREEDOM®."
What a lucky nation we are to have utterly non-vacuous FOX News rhetoric piped directly into the barracks, keeping unquestioning grunts like JoeBob pumped up on a steady mental diet of paranoia and misinformation! (Applause.) Let us celebrate JoeBobâ€™s patriotic ability to mouth those inspiring Sean Hannity sound bytes – which were penned by Karl Rove himself – like a machine gun wielding ventriloquistâ€™s dummy! (Applause.) Go, JoeBob, Go!
You know, for the past six and a half years, it's been a real boner-popping rush to be the Commander of such a kickass military killing machine. It's an awesome experience, and a humbling experience to hold a powerful office like President. Well, â€śhumblingâ€ť in a â€śwow, this is mad coolâ€ť kind of way – not a â€śwhoa, Iâ€™m just some mortal loserâ€ť way. Thatâ€™s because this job brings with it the ability to wage bloody, senseless war against whatever country I decide to call â€śevil.â€ť And until I draw my last breath, that will include Iraq. (Applause.)
I know this war has been a long, tough slog – for you people, anyway. Me, I struggle not to nap through the briefings on your injuries, your imploding morale, and your exploding PTSD and suicide rates. And even here, at command performance events, I hear the applause grow weaker, and see the doubt, weariness and disgust welling in your hollow eyes.
But today, by drawing simplistic, opportunistic parallels between Iraq and the American Revolutionary War, I trust that I have puffed yâ€™all up with false, historically inaccurate pride. Filled you with the willful ignorance to avoid facing the horrifying meaninglessness of all your back-breaking, soul-crushing labor. Filled you with the bloodlust to keep fighting, and dying, and loving it. Because thatâ€™s what it means to be a Real AmericanTM today.
Hello? That was the big finale applause line! So CLAP already! Ladies, turn on the waterworks! Drop the fricking balloons!
Thank you, and may Jesus bless America and her wars.