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June 3, 2007
President Bush Rigorously Defends Immigration Bill to His Rapidly Imploding Base of Xenophobic Crackers
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I want to take a minute to gab atcha about the new bipartisan immigration bill which I'm betting the farm will be the only part of my legacy that isn't a big sloppy shit sandwich. Now for some mysterious reason, lots of folks don't like my policy – and a big chunk of my base is even trying to get it killed in Congress. Luckily, it's not the all-important Corporate Gazillionaire Plutocracy part of my base. No, it's just the piss-ignorant, dirt-poor, trailer trash KKK Bible zombie part of my base. And me and Karl Rove know how to play them like a cheap jew's harp. [Thumbs Up.]
That's why today, I just wanted to issue a friendly reminder to all those millions of red state Rush Limbaugh fans who have worshipped me without question for the past seven years:
Folks, we've been together through a lot. And you've stood by me through it all. Through the illegitimate election of 2000. Through the double-dip recession. Through the terror attacks of 9/11TM. Through Enron. Through the botched war in Afghanistan and failed hunt for Osama bin Laden. Through the clusterfuck kickoff to the Iraq war in 2003. Through the Patriot Act and illegal wiretapping of innocent Americans. Through "Mission Accomplished." Through Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and a policy of torture. Through Katrina. Through failed Social Security reform. Through Armstrong Williams & Jeff Gannon. Through Terri Schaivo. Through Tom Delay. Through Mark Foley. Through Scooter Libby. Through $3.00 gas. Through Walter Reed. Through "the Surge". Through Alberto Gonzales. And now even through 3500 US troops killed in Vietraq.
And after all that, the thing it takes to get you folks pissed at me is letting a few million Mexi-Ricans pour over our borders and steal your jobs so you can't afford to put Ramen on the table? Well, I think I understand your problem. On one hand, you correctly accept that I'm practically Jesus. But on the other hand, you can't help but feel a surge of simple-minded, paranoid racist hatred every time you hear one of those dirty Spics yammering away in that nonsense gibberish of theirs – when even Star Trek nerds know that English is the only language in the universe. So yeah, I know, it's awful confusing for y'all.
That's why today, I just wanted to shoot out a quickie reminder to you folks that should clear everything up:
I am your divinely appointed ruler.
God picked me.
Never question my (His) opinions.
Immediately resume being the obedient brainwashed hicks I know and love.
Or you will rot in Hell.
I have spoken.