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June 12, 2007

President Bush's Remarks During Dedication to Utterly Necessary Monument to Noble Red Scare Hysteria

THE PRESIDENT: Today, having spent over six years proactively mortgaging America to Communist China, I am awful thankful to be totally deaf to that smartypants "irony" stuff, so that I can dedicate this here "Victims of Communism" memorial without totally busting a gut. It makes me feel all warm-gloopy inside to be unveiling Washington's most nakedly political, Neocon-flavored monument. (Applause.) In fact, come to think of it, me and Condi couldn't have asked for a more perfect icing on the diplomatic "fuck you" cake we've been baking to kick off the new cold war with Russia.


Yes, I'm real grateful to be here. With the public no longer getting ascared every time I yap about terrorists, it's nice to talk about a boogeyman from another era – the commies. Now there was an enemy! They were everywhere – in Hollywood, in the schools, in Congress. So intense was America's fear of that lurking, mysterious menace, we fought and lost not one, but TWO totally unnecessary wars in Korea and Vietnam. Yet somehow, America and FREEDOM® both survived.

So today, as America's military and empire crumbles under my watch, and Communist China assumes the position of the world's sole economic and political superpower, let us smugly delude ourselves by speaking of Communism in the past tense. Let us ignore oil-rich Russia's migration back towards Communism, and take hollow, vacuous pride in this lump of bronze as the descendents of Lenin and Mao slowly bend America over a barrel and prepare to deliver a deep, vigorous payback dicking of historic proportions.


In erecting a noble-looking tribute to the nationalistic hysteria that was the Red Scare, I can only hope that I'm laying the foundation for something else. Namely, a future in which another stuttering buffoon of a President will stand before another klatch of moneyed, self-important ideologues to dedicate the "Victims of Terrorism" memorial – which by rights will be a big statue of yours truly – rocking that flightsuit that makes my package look mad hung, yo!


Thank you, and may God Bless America.

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