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THE WHITE HOUSE
Newsroom

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – OFFICE OF THE PRESS SECRETARY – EXECUTIVE BRANCH

May 7, 2007
 

President Offers Gushingly Warm Welcome to Anachronistic Personification of Pompous Limey Entitlement

THE PRESIDENT: Today, Laura and me is honored to welcome Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, and His Royal Hineyness King Philip – who may act all sissy-submissive in public, but who everyone knows really calls the shots back at the castle. (Winks.) I want to congratulate ol' Liz here on her recent movie and Academy Award. Watching her endure the agony of a clueless public stupidly grieving the death of that Arab-porking whore of an Ex-Princess Diane, I couldn't help but remember my own struggle when the criminally overrated Ronald Reagan finally kicked it. How expertly we both concealed our secret glee over the Lord's long-overdue decision to snuff out those pains in our asses!

You know, the United Kingdom has written many of the greatest chapters in the history of human freedom. Like, 8 zillion years ago, the Magna Carta was written, ensuring that so long as there's a piece of paper that says no one is above the law, the trashy poor rabble will more or less settle down and take their butt raping by the property-owning elite all quiet like. The United States and England share so much in common: we both speak American, both love beer, and while America straight up whooped the Britishese during our star spangled insurgency, we weren't so uppity when y'all came a begging to be made the Fifty First State back in Dubya Dubya Dos.

Tonight, I will be honored and thrilled to have my wife forcibly shoehorn me into a penguin suit to drink water out of fragile crystal with my pinky extended. We're throwing a hell of a hootenany for you, Queenie. Shit, it's the fanciest ho-down we ever held, and I think I speak for my entire Administration when I tell you what a relief it is to spend oodles of tax payer money on showing your wrinkled twat a good time, instead of spending the loot on things like body armor, New Orleans infrastructure, or competent veteran hospital administrators. We're all thrilled to have a brief, super glamorous respite from the continuing disintegration of the American Executive Branch. Thanks for the smoke break! I feel like fiddlin'!

The last time you came here, during our bicentennial all the way back in 1776 –

I mean 1996.

Oops. Hardehar, get it, you snotty old bat? Yer wrinkled ass be OLD.

(WINK)

OLD!

(WINK. LICKS IMAGINARY PUSSY)

OLD!

(LOOKS AT QUEEN)

She gave me a look only a mother could give a child. Of course, when MY mother Bar gives that look, it also comes with left hook sucker punch to the ribs.

I'm just joking. See, I'm folksy. That's my thing. Man of the people. But I guess having a sense of humor ain't your Queeny bag, seeing as you're practically German.

On a closing note, while we have many things in common, one thing we don't have in common is there ain't no blood of mine itching to go fight them Iraqazoids off in ancient Arabia. No sir. No one is THAT stupid in my family. Must be true what they say about inbreeding, huh? (Laughs.)

Thank you.



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