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May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell Dead at 73: President Bush Declares National Day of Mourning for Beloved McJesus Taliban Huckster

THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, Laura and me was deeply saddened to learn that the Reverend Dr. Jerry Falwell has passed on. (Wipes Tear from Eye.)

Yes, apparently Jerry died shortly after breakfast this morning. Unfortunately, he broke with his usual routine and ordered a puny little short stack of Pat Robertson's death-defying protein pancakes – and well... they just weren't enough... (Sniffs.) to keep Jerry's bacon-clogged ticker going... (Sobs.)

As hard as this news may be to handle, I want America's evangelickers to take some small comfort in knowing that Rev. Falwell's body remains here on earth. No, the rest of us have not been "Left Behind". Believe you me, if there was a rapture, Jerry would have been as visible as a hot air balloon on the horizon. Well, I'm told that not only was Jerry's bloated corpse found fully clothed in his office, but that the force of its impact shattered a half-ton Louis XIV desk into literally millions of Godly splinters.

As you know, the Rev. Dr. Falwell has served as my Executive Director of Domestic and Global Policy for the past six years. Under his gentle tutelage, and with invaluable input from his peers in America's Christian Taliban industry, I have successfully replaced the wall between Church and State with a nice, lightweight screen door – that's filled with holes. Whether it's been keeping repulsive homosexuals in their inferior place, making sure that Terry Schaivotard stayed plugged into her smoothie machine, or reinforcing our Christian nation's support for Hell-bound Jews, my policies have been heavily influenced by Reverend Falwell more than almost any other living American.

I remember way back in 2000. I was running for President, but things didn't look so hot. John McCain was trouncing me in the primaries, and nearly everyone had written me off as the retarded man child of that wimpy one-term loser who came after Ronald Reagan. But not Jerry. No sir. He took me and Karl Rove under his meaty, dimpled wing, and assured us that together, we could convince every bible zombie in Crackerville, South Carolina that John McCain was a coon-boning race traitor. And all Jerry wanted in return was a few gazillion dollars in taxpayer dollar handouts. How could we say no to a messenger of the Lord?

I'm sure that right now, Jerry is up in heaven, grazing at the celestial all-you-can-eat buffet, his pork-and-pudding-encrusted jowels flapping furiously in the gentle breeze of angel wings. Even while I speak, the late Reverend and Jesus Christ himself are bouncing hand-in-hand from fluffy cloud to fluffy cloud mansion in an exclusive gated neighborhood in Heaven, gazing down through a leaded crystal floor to watch homosexuals, democrats, A-rabs, most Catholics, and every single Scientologist get raped in Hell by a demonic centaur's firey trident. It's small consolation that Jerry was Fed-Exed to the great beyond and is no doubt enjoying himself, probably free-balling under heavenly, angelic robes made of starlight and flannel. The thought that I will never have to spring out of my bubble bath in order to take one of his calls where he drunkenly rants about the divine awesomeness of AIDS makes this cowpoke all misty-like. Glory!

As a further mark of respect to the memory of Jerry Laymon Falwell, Sr., the founder of the Moral Majority and Liberty University, NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, in honor and tribute to the memory of Jerry Falwell, and as an expression of public sorrow, do appoint Wednesday, May 16, 2007, as a National Day of Mourning across the surface of God's toy ball "earth". I call on Christian peoples to assemble on that day in their Bible-believing Baptist Churches, there to pay homage to the memory of Jerry Falwell. I invite the people of the world who share our grief to join us in this solemn observance. And every student has a get out of school free card if they promise to take five minutes to pray and thank God for Jerry Falwell’s ministry, on this day forward for every year to come, so be it in Jesus’ name, A-men.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fifteenth day of May in the year of America's Lord Jesus H. Christ two thousand seven, and of the Utterly Total Superiority of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.

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