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May 28, 2007

Iraq Funding Approved: President Lauds Democrats' Courage to Stay True to Their Spineless Jellyfish Convictions

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. On this Memorial Day, I'm tickled pink to announce that Congressional Democrats, after all their chest pounding and tough talk about pulling the plug on my pet abortion of a war, done went and tucked their packages between their legs – just like that creepy Silence of the Lambs tranny who does the hair pie dance.

Hot diggety, I love the smell of political cowardice in the morning. Smells a lot like what I hear Baghdad smells like – gasoline, diarrhea, and rotten civilian carcasses covered with blowflies. Makes this old cowboy's mouth water!

I'm glad Congress finally took my veto warning seriously. And so I want to congratulate them for voting to provide our troops with the funding and flexibility they need to protect America against the greatest threat ever to our way of life - notwithstanding the evil Soviets, evil Nazis, evil Japs, uppity Injuns, MTV and monogamous homos.

Thanks to this newly approved budget of blood-drenched cash, I can enjoy four more months of sweet, uninterrupted Sunni and Shia killin'. The only downside to them crazy Muslimoid fuckers is for every one you shoot in the grill, two pissed off brothers pop up and want to settle the score. But thankfully, now I can cut another big fat check made out to American Bullet Company, and see if them two pissed off brothers got two more pissed off brothers. (Thumbs Up.)

I will happily signed the Iraq funding bill, seeing as it's my legacy and I hope that one day, in the future, some egghead author will write a big, best-selling biography about yours truly. That is, of course, if this country has a future. Too bad rebuilding Nawleans, or addressing the obscene income gap between the super rich (with their Apocalypse-proof battle yachts) and regular people (with their soul-withering debt), or fixing a heath care system where people with insurance pay out the nose for crap service while the uninsured flood emergency rooms isn't as sexy as waging a war.

Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised, but damned if them Democrats don't have a way of being unpredictably predictable. For a little while there, I was painting the backside of my BVD's with fear butter over a Democratic-lead Congress whose hairy balls seemed to have dropped. Thankfully, that was a lot of primping for the cameras, as the Democrats have proved once again why they done lost so many elections to me and my posse: because them multicultural fruitbats don't stand for nothing, 'cept whatever I'm against.

Part of me chuckles a lil' bit, thinking of them Democrats slinking home and having to explain to their constituents that democracy ain't what it's cracked up to be. Or at least, what they think democracy is supposed to be. Them is some fussy bitches.

So thanks for the blank check, boys and girls. Because let's be honest, Memorial Day just wouldn't be the same if the only folks getting memorialed was a bunch of dead dudes from history who nobody remembers. That's right, the grassy aisles of Arlington need be choked with sobbing young widows and their photogenic, newly daddyless toddlers waving Chinese-made American flags. Yessir, THAT'S some hot nationalistic porn right there – and now thanks to my subservient pals Nancy and Harry, we're guaranteed plenty more for years to come!

Thank you, and may Jesus continue to bitch-slap America's weak, ineffectual Dummycrats.

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