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April 24, 2007

Transcript of President's Call Reaffirming His Faith in the Competence of America's Alzheimer's Ravaged Attorney General



THE PRESIDENT: Speedy Gonzales!

GONZALES: Ha, ha, Mr. President! That one always cracks me up. Ha, ha! The Warner Brother's Loony Tune character Speedy Gonzales, other than being a hilarious counterintuitive caricature of a slow, lazy Mexican, ALSO shares MY last name, which is ALSO Gonzales! Ha, ha!

THE PRESIDENT: How is my favorite Mexurrito?

GONZALES: I don't recall, jefe.

THE PRESIDENT: Excellent. Are you sure?

GONZALES: I think so, sir. But I can't be certain. Because after all, I don't recall.

THE PRESIDENT: Good - because I don't want my favoritest, most loyal, most likely to fling himself on any political sword to protect yours truly, most scapegoatest yes man toadie to ever lick a boot heel to be unhappy.

GONZALES: As they say in Texas, Mr. President: I'm happier than a coyote eating a biscuit then woooosh! There rolls a tumbleweed past a harmonica-playin' cowpoke

THE PRESIDENT: Huh. Ain't never heard that one before. Are you sure that's Texan?

GONZALES: I don't recall, sir!

THE PRESIDENT: It certainly sounds Texan.

GONZALES: Just like you and me! Who, if my memory serves correctly, both come from Texas. I think.

THE PRESIDENT: That's right! Well, shit, Gonzo, you do seem to be in a good mood. All things considered.


THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, you're doing a heck of job. I support you.

GONZALES: I appreciate that, sir!

THE PRESIDENT: Like that time you totally suppressed my gazillion or so DUI's during those crazy days back in Texas?

GONZALES: I did? I don't recall that.

THE PRESIDENT: Sure, you did. Because you're loyal. And it wasn't a gazillion… but one is enough, am I right or am I right?

GONZALES: You're always right, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: And how about all those times you let me electric chicken fry evil people and/or poor-ass blacks? No matter what them lawyers wrote you, even if it was "The condemned is retarded," or "The condemned's defense lawyer fell asleep during the trial," or "The condemned is innocent," you just gave the big legal thumbs down and I zapped them dead, like I was God. Not Jesus. The Jew God - because he was badass.

GONZALES: If you say so.

THE PRESIDENT: I just think back to all the good times we've had… both of us equally needy, insecure political hacks hankering for cheap power and validation. Albeit, not of equal breeding. You, me, Dirty Harriet, KKKarl, Mama Hughes, we were like a mafia, only not all hairy and Italian. Good times.

GONZALES: Those certainly sound like some good times. How unfortunate that I don't have any substantive memories of the events to which you refer.

THE PRESIDENT: I just wanted to say what a great job you did the other day in front of the Judiciary committee. What a bunch of fucking liberal douchetards and turncoat Republican vaginasaurs.

GONZALES: I don't recall.

THE PRESIDENT: I mean, of course we tried to shitcan them lawyers - they wouldn't de-legitimize the damn November elections! Motherfuckers work for me! But you did a fine job of giving them nothing but nothing!

GONZALES: I... I don't remember?

THE PRESIDENT: Of course you don't!

GONZALES: Can I have a crunchy apple?

THE PRESIDENT: Right after nap time. Before you go to siestaville, though, I just want to reiterate one thing: I won't fire you.

GONZALES: Why would you fire me?



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