Transcript of Supervillain Khalid Sheikh Mohammad's Confessing Responsibility for 9/11^TM, Pearl Harbor and Cancer

KSM: ALLAH AKBAR!

[Sound of punching; wails and moans of pain.]

INTERROGATOR: State your name….

KSM: Uuuhhhhh….

INTERROGATOR: Let the record state that prisoner has said his name, Khalid Sheikh Muhammad. You have confessed to various high crimes against the United States of America over the past year. You will reiterate these crimes now.

KSM: [Sound of water splashing.]

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for orchestrating the September 11th terrorist attacks?

KSM: [Sound of water splashing]

INTERROGATOR: Let the record state that the prisoner said “Yes” in his native tongue. Are you directly responsible for the murder of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl?

KSM: [Sound of gagging, choking]

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center in 1993?

[Sound of snarling Rotweiler]

KSM: HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP

INTERROGATOR: Let the record state that the prisoner said “Yes” in his native tongue. Further, let the record state that all responses from Khalid Sheikh Muhammad from here on will be interpreted as affirmative statements.

[Sound of dental drill]

KSM: No… no… don’t… no… YEEAAARRGHHH

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for the failed “shoe bomber” plot, bombings in Bali, and an assassination attempt against Jimmy Carter?

[Sound of Tazer firing]

KSM: AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for the bombings in London, Madrid, and Pakistan?

KSM: NO PLEASE NOT MY FINGERNAILS! AAAAAAHHHH!!

INTERROGATOR: Are you also directly responsible for the death of Anna Nicole Smith, the Columbine High School massacre, and AIDS?

[Sound of punching, kicking]

KSM: Yes, yes, yes….AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for the Democrats winning both the House and the Senate this past November?

[Sound of bones cracking]

KSM: YEEEAAAAGAH-GAH-NOOOOOAAAARRGGGH!

INTERROGATOR: Are you directly responsible for Hurricane Katrina, the Republican Congresses multiple ethical scandals, and Dick Cheney shooting people in the face?

KSM: YES! YES TO EVERYTHING!

INTERROGATOR: Are you willing to confess any future crimes that have yet to be committed, but might have been orchestrated by you from the basement of this top secret SuperMax detention fortress?

KSM: SWEET ALLAH WHATEVER YOU WANT!

INTERROGATOR: Here is your written confession, written by the CIA. Please sign here.

KSM: I…I...I can’t hold… the pen… thumbs broken…

INTERROGATOR: A bloody fingerprint will do.

[END TRANSCRIPT]