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March 23, 2007

President Expresses Support for Alberto Gonzales in Super-Boring "Attorneygate" Scandal That Nobody Understands or Cares About Anyway

THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with nosy congressional Democrats over this hubbub about eight U.S. attorneys who recently exercised the mandatory option to "resign" (chuckles) and spend lots more time with their nagging wives and clingy, ill-behaved brats.

Now apparently, those attorneys "serve at my pleasure" – which, to be honest, I always thought was only legal in certain counties in Nevada. Well if there's one thing that gives me pleasure, it's filling every single box on the Federal org chart – right down to post office janitors – with folks who'd sooner hurl themselves into a vat of boiling pig jizz before disagreeing with my perfect opinions.

Truth is, one of the best things about being President is that when you arrive in Washington, you get to fire all those bureaucrat dorkuses who actually know how to do stuff, and replace them with your bestest buds – like fraternity brothers, dudes who used to work for your daddy and Uncle Nixon, and acne-pocked toadies who’ll save your budding political career by wiping embarrassing drunk driving convictions off your record. (Thumbs Up.)

Unfortunately, before me, Presidents did all their firings and hirings only at the beginning of their terms – which is stupid. And the American people understand that. If you hire an illegal Mexican to clean the leaves out of your gutter, and the lazy beaner spends half the day taking siesta on the clock, you shouldn’t have to wait four years to call INS when he asks you to pay him! Well, these here attorneys were brought on to conduct partisan witch trials against my liberal enemies, and goddamn if they just weren’t getting the job done. Some of them were even prosecuting... (winces) Republicans! So I told Karl and Berto to make them go bye-byes.

But now, all of a sudden, Democrats have their tits in a wringer because I'm making changes mid-term? Sure, it might not be customary, but it isn’t illegal. So how come everyone’s freaking out? I mean, if this is how Democrats and the media are going to react from now on every time I do one of my signature moves that reek of creepy quasi-fascist blacklisting and slimeball self-preservation, the next two years are going to be plenty rocky.

I'll tell ya – this here minor little scuffle that could plunge the government into a Constitutional crisis sure makes me miss ol' Iron Jowls himself, former Attorney General John Ashchrist. I mean, on one hand, Alberto Gonzales has been a lifetime enabler of my disdain for rule of law, and he is Hispanozoid, so I score cheap political points with stupid Mexican Americans who think Pickles speaking Mexicanese and Pickles being OK with a Desert Irishman getting all up in our daughters' guts are the same thing. But unlike Alberto, John was a real visionary. See, it was John who helped load the Patriot Act with all kinds of clauses that subvert the Constitution. Like the clause that lets me replace a US Attorney with interim cronies in the event that said US Attorney is killed by a terrorist nukethrax bomb... or in this case, is plagued by conscience.

So I fired some lawyers. Everyone hates lawyers. Anyway, I’d much rather that folks be hearing about me giving the smackdown to a bunch of fancy-talking, Florsheim-wearing courtroom sissies than hearing other stuff, like news about all those 18 year-olds getting fed into the gaping maw of my Iraq ClusterfuckTM Death Machine. Or about all the ways that my administration has actually BROKEN the law, instead of just bending that sucker until it creaks like a Gitmo prisoner’s femur bone in a hardcore "stress position".

That said, I respect the fact that Democrats now control Congress, and wield subpoena power. And by "respect", I mean, "lie awake staring at the ceiling in sweat-drenched horror." Which is why I'm making it a point to slyly pass the buck on these firings to my good pal Alberto Gonzales, by stating: "The announcement of this decision and the subsequent explanation of these changes has been confusing and, in some cases, incomplete. Neither the Attorney General, nor I approve of how these explanations were handled."

Of course, since it was me who made Berto into the turbo-crony he is today, and since I am pathologically incapable of admitting error, let me just save some face and hedge my bets by also saying that Alberto Gonzales has my complete confidence. He is a good man. He has served his country – errrr, served his President well, and I will continue to support him.

Right up until the moment it becomes politically untenable.

And then I will stab him in his fat, burrito-filled gut.

And roll his lifeless corpse into the Potomac.

While crossing Taft Bridge.

In my sweet-assed limo.

Thank you.

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