Hey, how about that Karl Rove getting niggy with it and rapping? (Laughter) Boy, that sure was a hoot! And now that that testy Ed Bradley fellow has kicked, we don't have to get worried about insulting the coloreds at these here dinners. I know Karl was worried that folks might not laugh at his minstrel show without the blackface he used during the West Wing rehearsals – and the 2000 South Carolina primaries – but he didn't need to worry. Me, I busted a gut just because that sneaky sonovabitch hasn't moved his pelvis that much since we used to have sleepovers at the White House with Jeff Gannon! (Laughter)
Anyhoo, on with MY super-hilarious act. Karen Hughes spent a whole week reading old Shecky Greene joke books to write this. So here we go...
Boy, it sure has been a crazy year, huh? Last year at this time, we were bogged down in a hopeless war, my administration was riddled with corruption and incompetence, and our country's reputation was spinning around at the bottom of a toilet bowl.
Well, the more things changeâ€¦ (Smirks)
(Laughter and Applause)
Sorry the Vice President couldn't be here. (Laughter) He's had a rough few months. He had a clot in his leg. Doctors think the blood flow was decreased from flying, but I blame it on that tight little Speedo thong Dick wears in the Camp David pool. (Laughter) That sucker shows more ball-fur than that Uzibeckerstan diplomat Borat. (Laughter)
Awww, let's cut Dick some slack. He's kinda worried because his lesbo daughter recently announced she got knocked up without even doing the tubesteak boogie. And we all know that whenever a chick named Mary claims immaculate conception, it isn't long before fat old temple merchants like Dick start getting bitchslapped by stinky hippies in Birkenstocks. (Laughter)
Speaking of bitches you'd like to slap, it's good to see Speaker Pelosi tonight. (Laughter) Nancy, you look surprised to be here. But, hells bells, you'd look surprised to be told Karl Rove was up to something illegal – ever since your last eye job. (Laughter) Naw, truth is, I really like Nancy. Well, no, not really. But pretending to like her is a pretty good way to cut the intense awkwardness of us both sitting here, knowing full well that a year from now, there's a damn good chance that cunt will be leading a successful drive to impeach me. (Laughter) That's not a joke. I'm scared. (Harder Laughter)
So how about this whole "Attorneygate" business? I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. The last time I saw my staffers shredding criminally incriminating documents this fast, it wasâ€¦wellâ€¦ a typical work day between 9 and 5. (Laughter and Applause)
Which reminds me: I know there's a longstanding tradition of bringing shockingly inappropriate guests to this dinner. So Scooter Libby, if you're sitting out there tonight, I hope you're enjoying yourself. (Laughter) I heard when you got convicted, your wife said "We're going to fuck 'em!" (Laughter) Well consider yourself lucky, Scooter. The last time my wife wanted to fuck anything was in 1986! (Chuckles, Polite Applause)
Is that Barbara Walters at table number seven? You know, if there were an award for the world's nastiest old prying bitch named Barbara, you would totally win the interview with my mom after she won it. (Winks)
Get it? Get it? She has the same name as my mom. And they're both old... And they're both nasty... Oh fuck it. I'm losing the house. Just like in November!
Did you hear the one about the blonde Walter Reed nurse? She left hundreds of heroic amputee veterans to wallow in rat shit and dead cockroaches!
Get it? Blondes are dumb. So it must have been some dumb bimbo who screwed that up. Not anyone I appointed!
Hey, how about that Darfur place? People keep yapping about how I need to do something about it, but I already am. You see, I heard how much folks loved that "Hotel Rwanda" movie, so I'm being real proactive in making sure they'll be able to make a bitchin' sequel!
How about a riddle? What's the difference between the Iraq Surge and a retarded Mexican illegal alien?
The alien has a chance of working!
I'd like to acknowledge Bob Woodruff of ABC News, who lost half his brain because of a war I started because I'm missing half of my own.
In closing, I'd like to get all sentimental for a minute and say some nice stuff – so people won't just remember me as the idiot Caligula man-child who killed and maimed hundreds of thousands of people for no reason. (Tepid Applause)
There are folks out there tonight, folks you've even heard of, who aren't doing so hot. Some of those folks are grieving dead loved ones, and some of those folks got cancer. Ain't that sad? So please, in between sips of your hooch, please join me in a moment of politically expedient, emotionally pornographic silence, followed by a reference to a diety so my McJesus Taliban base can get off.
Alrighty, thank Christ that's over!
Party on, kids!