I wonder if when I die, they'll hire some community theatre loser to play me for all the fat, glassy-eyed tourists who'll visit my make-pretend Texas ranch. I can just see it now: the actor-dude all buff and John Wayne-looking; cinchin' up a crisp new pair of easy-fit Levis with a belt buckle the size of a Dominos pizza, then kickin' back in the ultra-high-security communications center with a bag of Cheetos to watch Brit Hume. Oh yeah. Then between swigs of my – I mean his Lonestar, he'll pick up the red phone and scream cool President stuff like "Let's tear Saddam a new asshole, Rummy!" and "Rove, you smear that fucker Kerry good!" (Pause To Get Misty.)
I gotta say though, this here Mount Vermin place is mighty nice. Not some barren, land-locked wasteland like my puny spread. Of course, I'm sure it was even nicer back in the day. You know, back when Washington was growing hundreds of acres of reefer, and horsewhipping his 300+ nigra slaves into terrified submission. Now that's living! (Thumbs Up.)
Today we're celebrating the holiday President's Day. But the folks who work here call it Washington's birthday. (Applause.) Me, I'm happy most folks call it "President's Day", on account of that seems like it's honoring all 43 of the Presidents, instead of just the first one. Because let's be honest, once I'm done fucking this country in the ass, it ain't likely that anyone's gonna make a special holiday for me. (Winks.) At least I'll eventually get my own fake gold dollar coin. As a Republican, as much as I love monopolies, I think old GW has had a lock on the dollar long enough.
Anyway, yeah, today we're honoring a man who was our first President, the father of our country. Sure, some folks say that since he was technically a British subject of King George III, Washington committed treason by kicking off a revolution. Some folks also point to how he flipped the bird at the laws of warfare, waging a cowardly guerilla war by cowering like a snake in the weeds and striking viciously against his much stronger enemy –without warning or discrimination. Well, nuts to the foreigner losers who say that! You see, George Washington was born in America – God's favorite country. And when Americans engage in terrorism, or even invent terrorism like George Washington did – it's NOT terrorism. It's FREEDOM® Fighting!
Honoring George Washington's life requires us to remember history through the comfortable lens of a blindly nationalistic fervor. More than two centuries later, his story continues to bring Americans together for a dizzying assortment of furniture and bedding sales from sea to shining sea.
In closing, it wouldn't be one of my speeches without using whatever event or person or place I happen to be talking about to invoke cheap and delusional parallels to Iraq. And so let us remember that today, I'm fighting a war that I like to say is about FREEDOM® and LibertyTM. And no matter what all the historians and pundits and world leaders and liberals and other assholes may say, it's JUST LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WAR. It – like me – is noble, and deserving of respect. And gratitude. And other good stuff. Got it? Good.
Thank you, and may God Bless America.