FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – OFFICE OF THE PRESS SECRETARY – EXECUTIVE BRANCH
President Delivers Warmly Bipartisan, Effusively Conciliatory Remarks to House DummycRATs
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. It's nice to be here. And by "nice", I mean "a waking fucking nightmare." The last time we saw each other was at the State of the Union, and I watched in amusement as your liberal pusses twisted into sour knots whenever I mentioned the "Democrat Party." Now, look, my diction isn't all that good. (Laughter.) I have been accused of being a dyslexic retard who can't even stutter in his native tongue. (Laughter.) And so despite my having gleefully slighted you thousands of times with that slyly intentional mispronunciation, I appreciate you forgiving me in exchange for one lousy self-deprecating joke. (Laughter and applause.)
You might not like having to sit there and eat my Presidential shit waffles today, but you have to give me mad respectz for having the stones to stand up here and condescend to yâ€™all. Itâ€™s like the nation didnâ€™t even shove my walking papers down my throat this past November. Actually, letâ€™s pretend that didnâ€™t even happen, since thatâ€™s what Iâ€™m already doing.
Thanks for having me, Mr. Speakerette. It was awful nice of you to introduce me to your new future-dyke grandbaby. I know the mother well. (Laughter.) It was Alexandra, after all, who made that puff-piece love letter of a documentary "Journeys With George" – which Karl Rove swears up and down got me re-elected. Weird, huh, that YOUR daughter is like my own personal Leni Reifenstahl! Nice work imparting those lib values on the next generation, Nance. If I knew what irony was, I might be all: that hoo-ha is IRONICAL! (Laughs.)
I want to thank the members for allowing me to come. Heh-heh. I said â€śmembers.â€ť Which as every fratpublican knows, is just another word for hard, slimy cock. I'm looking forward to visiting with you. I particularly want to thank your families. I know, your families aren't ainâ€™t got squat to do with nothing, but I've found that mentioning them is a cheap and effective way to soften up a hostile audience. Makes me seem like a lovey-dovey compassionate fella, instead of a heartless, black-eyed monster who shoves entire screaming families into my Vietraq meatgrinder. Sigh.
So yeah, big props to the families! It takes a lot of sacrifice to encourage your spouse to serve the country. Politics can be ugly. Sometimes people say things that make you feel all ouchy inside. Like how you're borderline-traitorous, non-troop-supporting, terrorist-cock-sucking fruitcakes who hate freedom and secretly want America to get ass-raped by Islamo-psychobats. Yep, that's some ugly, ugly stuff. But it sure is fun to fling it atcha! (Laughs.)
I'm also glad to be here with Steny Hoyer. Good to see you, Steny. He's the kind of career politician, down and dirty operator I can respect. Way to go on whooping John Murtha's dimpled old ass in the Majority Leader vote, Sten-Master! It must have taken a lot of Polaroids of Congressmen balls-deep in page pooper to pull that one off! (Laughs.)
Before we get to the filling of this Twinkie, Iâ€™d like to briefly point out, with bullshit bipartisan magnanimity, all the things we have in common. For instance, we have hair. And we love football, especially college football, which is why you Democrats shut the Capitol down in order to watch Ohio play Florida. Awesome job, dudes! Here is a short list other things we have in common: American Idol, cheeseburgers, and the grubby paws of democracy-raping special interest groups firmly up our collective shit cutters. See? We ainâ€™t all so different. Oh yeah, we have one other thing in common: we all refuse to really debate the clusterfuck in Texraq, because that would be productive and would mean that weâ€™re thinking about the good of the country, and not poll numbers, or our own crusty bellybuttons.
So I'd like to share some thoughts about my awesome ideas, and how I'd like you Demholes to roll over and do exactly what I want. Sure, that's totally delusional and arrogant, but hey – you can't teach an old Texas dog new tricks. So here it is, in a nutshell:
- Balancing the Budget: More tax cuts for my zillionaire pals, while slashing programs which benefit all the lazy poor trash who vote for you pinko losers.
- No Child Left Behind: Keep it exactly the same, no matter what the statistics say. It's my idea, so that means it's perfect.
- Health Insurance: Incentivize my zillionaire big business pals to discontinue their expensive health plans, and put the burden on all the lazy poor trash who vote for you pinko losers.
- Energy Policy: Reduce gas consumption – something you've been calling for forever – but now that my zillionaire energy industry pals are in the "alternative" game too, I'm finally ready to support it.
- Immigration: Keep my zillionaire corporate pals flush by ensuring a steady supply of easily manipulated Mexi-Ricans, who will bust the unions of the poor lazy trash who vote for faggy Democrats.
- Iraq: Embrace the URGE TO SURGE! Sure, it's just "Stay the Course" on steroids, but just deal with it, cuz weâ€™re going to SURGE all over Iraqâ€™s hairy tits!
- Funding to Combat AIDS & Malaria: A cynical bargain chip masquerading as compassion, offered purely to lube passage of #1 - #6 above.
This is a bold old-masquerading-as-new agenda for all of us. And I agree, Madam Speaker, there's a chance to show people that we can get beyond the politics of Washington, D.C.; that we're able to treat each other with civility. And so I've come, at your kind invitation, to deliver the message – however flowery and fakey-nice-nice it may be – that the best way to do that is for you all to grab your ankles and do whatever I say. Because otherwise, nothing would tickle my nutsack more than to have you asstrolls toil away at bill after bill, then watch me bust out my fancy "Veto" pen, and shitcan every last one of them – just because I can. Because Iâ€™m motherfucking President, ladies!
Awww – you're not surprised, are you? What else would you expect from a bitter, lame duck laughingstock? Don't like it? Impeach me! I could use the time back at the ranch! Come on, impeach me! I dare you, you bunch of spineless pussies! Who's gonna take me on???
Yeah, I figured as much.
Thanks for the invite – and the sweet free ride.
God Bless Today's America!
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