Ummm... Did somebody fart?
[PANICKED SCREAMS AND SCATTERED MOANING.]
It's OK – no need to be embarrassed. I know that military chow can cause pronounced digestive distress. Not that I've ever eaten it myself – having scored all those deferments to get out of Vietnam – but I'm still an expert in all things military.
[DISTANT WHISTLE OF APPROACHING STINGER MISSILE.]
SOLDIER A: Incoming! Incoming! BOMB!!!
THE VICE PRESIDENT: A bomb? (Paternalistic Chuckle) Hogwash! Who on earth would be bombing us here? President Bush and I personally ordered the deployment of overwhelming force in Afghanistan to permanently crush the Taliban and Al Qaeda. We own this country now. There's nobody who could bomb us.
[WHISTLE GROWS LOUDER.]
SOLDIER B: (Screams) Take cover! Take cover!!!
[FLASH OF LIGHT. DEAFENING BOOM. SOFT INDOOR RAIN OF HUMAN BLOOD AND POWERDERED BONE BEGINS TO FALL]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Take cover? Whatever for? (Brushes Steaming Pile of Intestines From Podium) I'm afraid your judgment is off, son. This is an impenetrable fortress – designed on a cocktail napkin by Don Rumsfeld himself – in which everyone is perfectly safe!
SOLDIER C: My legs! Where are my legs???!!! (Moans Pitifully) I don't have any legsâ€¦.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I respect your service young man, but I'm afraid I just fundamentally disagree with that assessment of the situation. For you to have been injured would suggest that we sent you here to avenge 9/11â„¢ with only a fraction of the people and equipment that were needed.
So let's stay POSITIVE here, shall we? There's no reason to let pessimism muss up what's been such a perfect mission so far.
LOUDSPEAKER: Red Alert! Red Alert! Perimeter breach in sectors B, D, and R!! All personnel to defensive positions!
[RUMBLING THUNDER OF CAMEL HOOVES APPROACHING.]
THE VICE PRESDIENT: Our forces here have done so much to reinforce the infrastructure of this nation, and make its citizens regard us with a pure and unconditional love, and I just want to congratulate you all on the fact that everything is going so spectacularly here.
[SMALL OBJECT HURTLES THROUGH HOLE IN WALL.]
SOLDIER D: GRENADE! EVERYBODY DOWN!!!! GRENADE!!
[EXPLOSION BLASTS LARGE CRATER IN FLOOR.]
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Grenade? Who would throw one of them? (Wipes Thick Mist of Liquefied Soldier Off Spectacles.) That would suggest some kind of insurgency. And everyone knows that it's been years since any kind of insurgency was even in its last throes.
[VICTORIOUS SHOUTS OF "ALLAH AKBAR!" DRAW NEAR]
SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Mr. Vice President, your armored stealth escape jet is ready for departure.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Excellent! In closing, I just want to say that it's really a testament to the complete and total success of America's mission here that someone as high-ranking as myself can come to visit, and not endanger you disposable nobodies one bit. That's right, there'll be no need for even a single soldier to give his life as a human shield for me today.
[VICE PRESIDENT ASCENDS AIR FORCE TWO GANGWAY]
SOLDIERS A-Z: (In Unison) Help! We're totally surrounded!
[PLANE BEGINS TAXIING]
Everyone's gonna DIE! Please take us with you!!!
THE VICE PRESIDENT: (Leaning Out Door) Oh, go fuck yourselves, you negative nellies! Everything's gonna be just fine. So have fun – and thanks for listening! (Slams Door)
[AIR FORCE TWO LIFTS OFF MOMENTS BEFORE FLURRY OF RADIOLOGICAL IEDS ENVELOPE BASE IN CLOUD OF DEATH.]