Whitehouse.org is the officious web site for the White House and President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States.

  Search WHITEHOUSE.ORG   

THE WHITE HOUSE
Newsroom

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – OFFICE OF THE PRESS SECRETARY – EXECUTIVE BRANCH

February 27, 2007
 

Vice President Cheney Delivers Morale-Boosting Remarks to U.S. Soldiers in Super-Safe and Totally Stable Afghanistan

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. What's new in Afghanistan these days? Have you grunts finally got off your asses and caught Bin Laden? (Winks) Only kidding, boys! Of course I understand that everything here is going just splendidly. Plenty of "remarkable accomplishments" in an operation that's always been fantastically managed at the very highest levels. Which is why, whenever I happen to find myself flying between Iran and Pakistan in a jet running on fumes, there's no place I'd rather do a quickie gas-up than here at safe, quiet Bagram Air Field.

[MASSIVE EXPLOSION RIPS THROUGH WALL. WINDOWS SHATTER, CEILING TILES FALL & THICK, ACRID SMOKE FILLS ROOM.]

Ummm... Did somebody fart?

[PANICKED SCREAMS AND SCATTERED MOANING.]

It's OK – no need to be embarrassed. I know that military chow can cause pronounced digestive distress. Not that I've ever eaten it myself – having scored all those deferments to get out of Vietnam – but I'm still an expert in all things military.

[DISTANT WHISTLE OF APPROACHING STINGER MISSILE.]

SOLDIER A: Incoming! Incoming! BOMB!!!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: A bomb? (Paternalistic Chuckle) Hogwash! Who on earth would be bombing us here? President Bush and I personally ordered the deployment of overwhelming force in Afghanistan to permanently crush the Taliban and Al Qaeda. We own this country now. There's nobody who could bomb us.

[WHISTLE GROWS LOUDER.]

SOLDIER B: (Screams) Take cover! Take cover!!!

[FLASH OF LIGHT. DEAFENING BOOM. SOFT INDOOR RAIN OF HUMAN BLOOD AND POWERDERED BONE BEGINS TO FALL]

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Take cover? Whatever for? (Brushes Steaming Pile of Intestines From Podium) I'm afraid your judgment is off, son. This is an impenetrable fortress – designed on a cocktail napkin by Don Rumsfeld himself – in which everyone is perfectly safe!

SOLDIER C: My legs! Where are my legs???!!! (Moans Pitifully) I don't have any legs….

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I respect your service young man, but I'm afraid I just fundamentally disagree with that assessment of the situation. For you to have been injured would suggest that we sent you here to avenge 9/11â„¢ with only a fraction of the people and equipment that were needed.

So let's stay POSITIVE here, shall we? There's no reason to let pessimism muss up what's been such a perfect mission so far.

LOUDSPEAKER: Red Alert! Red Alert! Perimeter breach in sectors B, D, and R!! All personnel to defensive positions!

[RUMBLING THUNDER OF CAMEL HOOVES APPROACHING.]

THE VICE PRESDIENT: Our forces here have done so much to reinforce the infrastructure of this nation, and make its citizens regard us with a pure and unconditional love, and I just want to congratulate you all on the fact that everything is going so spectacularly here.

[SMALL OBJECT HURTLES THROUGH HOLE IN WALL.]

SOLDIER D: GRENADE! EVERYBODY DOWN!!!! GRENADE!!

[EXPLOSION BLASTS LARGE CRATER IN FLOOR.]

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Grenade? Who would throw one of them? (Wipes Thick Mist of Liquefied Soldier Off Spectacles.) That would suggest some kind of insurgency. And everyone knows that it's been years since any kind of insurgency was even in its last throes.

[VICTORIOUS SHOUTS OF "ALLAH AKBAR!" DRAW NEAR]

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Mr. Vice President, your armored stealth escape jet is ready for departure.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Excellent! In closing, I just want to say that it's really a testament to the complete and total success of America's mission here that someone as high-ranking as myself can come to visit, and not endanger you disposable nobodies one bit. That's right, there'll be no need for even a single soldier to give his life as a human shield for me today.

[VICE PRESIDENT ASCENDS AIR FORCE TWO GANGWAY]

SOLDIERS A-Z: (In Unison) Help! We're totally surrounded!

[PLANE BEGINS TAXIING]

Everyone's gonna DIE! Please take us with you!!!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: (Leaning Out Door) Oh, go fuck yourselves, you negative nellies! Everything's gonna be just fine. So have fun – and thanks for listening! (Slams Door)

[AIR FORCE TWO LIFTS OFF MOMENTS BEFORE FLURRY OF RADIOLOGICAL IEDS ENVELOPE BASE IN CLOUD OF DEATH.]



1000's of Stickers & T-Shirts:
Guantanamo Vacation Gear
USA: Jesus Likes Us Best
Deadeye Dick's Gun Club
I Support the Military Industrial Complex

WHITEHOUSE.ORG BUMPER STICKERS I Support Quasi-Fascist Automotive Fads
Jesus Votes Republican
Enron/Halliburton
Patriotastic Bumper Stickers

America Doesn't Torture: Freedom Tickles Get the Job Done
Lookit Poppy!
XANAX
Hope Allah's Wearing Kevlar!
CHOOSE LIFE!
Amazing Patriotic Posters
BEHOLD! Quality Books From the Writers of WHITEHOUSE.ORG, Landover Baptist & Betty Bowers: