No. 05.10671. Filed January 5, 2007
In light of recent defamatory revelations and scurrilous assertions by corporeal media entities, the plaintiff – ME! – decries a conspiracy in Heaven. Whereas Plaintiff's place on the BENCH OF SUPREME AUTHORITY quivers under assaults from multitudinous foes – both winged and cloven-hoofed – Plaintiff hereby and with due process under habeas corpus does expose this burgeoning coup d'etat, and demand the CIA Office of Afterlife Affairs promptly cease and desist probing Plaintiff's thoughts via fiber optic colo-rectal implants, res ipsa loquitor!
Plaintiff hereby declares that the cumulous cloud upon which he reclines does henceforth assume and assimilate all powers and properties of THE BENCH OF ALL TIME AND SPACE and shall hereafter be known as THE BENCH IN EXILE. Plaintiff shall be and remain for all time Lord of the Bench, whose WILL IS LAW!
Plaintiff hereby declares and names as a primary conspirator, that colored midget who used to play Vegas with Frank and Dean, and who now tap-dances atop Plaintiff's cloud in an attempt to induce lunacy. His wandering glass eye mocks Plaintiff. Just below the audible level, his voice whispers words that drip with sweet love ichor, words that rhyme like profane couplets, words like "integration" and "miscegenation". Plaintiff will have Bush's nuts for this one! Is this revenge for Plaintiff's time in the Justice department under Nixon? Does the Heritage Foundation still think Plaintiff is Deep Throat?
Oh Gods Below, is G. Gordon behind this? Are the Clowns here? Wherever Liddy went the clowns were sure to follow – stealing Plaintiff's pills. Dear Gods ARE THE EVERLOVING CLOWNS HERE! SOMEBODY PADLOCK PLAINTIFF'S MEDICINE CABINET!!
Sandy Day, would that you could join Plaintiff post haste! You, the first woman to grace THE BENCH OF BENCHES, and Plaintiff, the first fully human male to do so. It is a sign from The Old Ones, O'Connor and Plaintiff are to meld crotch flesh sui generis
a new race of celestial ambulance chasers. And in time, Mr. & Mrs. Plaintiff and their litigious brood shall descend again upon the flawed Earth, and walk mighty and terrible as GODS upon its soil.
Oh Sandra, do you remember that time at Stanford when Plaintiff showed up at your dorm at 3 a.m., drunk, dressed in women's clothing and begging you to ravage Plaintiff's colon with the splintery handle of a mahogany gavel? It wasn't really Plaintiff! The CIA made Plaintiff do it. They had nearly perfected their mind control techniques at that point. Plaintiff now knows I wasn't in control. Just like I know it wasn't really you whining like an uppity feminist when Clarence Thomas showed The Devil in Miss Jones at the '92 Christmas party. Plaintiff knows your true heart!
Plaintiff can see the Future in Fabric! In the draperies, in the towels, in the stitches of the candy striper's panties as she makes crude offers of sexual denigration! Plaintiff sees your fractal pornography woven into the threads of your robes! Whether it was you or the clowns who put it there matters not. Images of you and some four-eyed lezzie named Ruth flopping and gasping like two open-mouthed bass on the deck of a shrimp trawler.. How is Plaintiff supposed to react?
Plaintiff is SCOTUS, the Alpha and the Omega. Liberal Clown Assassins have infiltrated the CIA. I know, Plaintiff was there when Nixon affixed the first red nose on his private army. The coup d'etat is imminent. His wife cried and images of small children in yellow loincloths and Bowie knives clutched between their teeth slithered through Plaintiff's dreams, stalking and slitting the throats of tie-dyed enemies of the regime.
Oh Sandy, if only you knew the Horror, you would join Plaintiff in a posthumous suicide death pact and end it all in an riotous orgy of Percocet huffing before the Toneless One Crosses Over and warps the world in his unholy Image!
CLAIM FOR RELIEF
In order to combat this massive conspiracy, Plaintiff. as the Black-Robed Arbiter of Ultimate Justice ruling Heaven, Earth and the United Federation of Interstellar Bipeds, hereby demand two standing paramilitary armies to be formed, one consisting entirely of Pirates, the other of vindictive homosexual Ninjas. The latter shall be commanded by the Alien Bounty Hunter, and draw its new recruits from the ranks of white Republican Boy Scouts. Their sole purpose shall be to protect Plaintiff – and my PILLS – from the Clown Interrogator/Acrobats. The CIA shall break their teeth up the blacks walls of my Ninja Clan!
The Pirates shall be led by whosever can do give the best "Arrrgh, matey! Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!" impression. They shall be housed in a secret base underneath the eponymous ride at our Orlando installation, and sally forth to harass all copyright infringers and interracial couples.
I am the Alpha and the Omega, worship me you worms. Posse comitatus, in vino veritas, les mondes engloutis, IA! IA! Flagthn Chthulu!