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January 10, 2007

President's Address to Convince Flip-Flopping Nation of Urgent Need to Escalate "Operation Baghdad 911"

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Tonight in Vietraq, the military cast of The Terror Show are up to their jockstraps in Islamazoid baby skulls, fighting a war so unpopular, even the Australians are starting to hate on us, and those dudes are more Texas redneck than Limey twinkletoes – no matter how fruity they sound. But whatevs: I will continue fighting this totally not-civil war – and by "I", I mean "piss-poor colored teenagers" – because if my historically epic ego trip fails, the only person who'll be able to save America from biochem-nukular apocalypse is that Jack Bauer guy from the 24 – and he's make-pretend. At least I think he is.

When I was forced to address you over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqazoids had freely cast their ballots for an American-mandated government run by Iranian-backed Shiite thugs using U.S. tax dollars to fund the wholesale slaughter of Sunnis. The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement, a victorious example of public relations spin and mass political theater obscuring an ugly reality. Indeed, that bullshit was so potent, so ripe with intoxicating musk, even I thought those hollow elections might bring the Iraqis together, despite hundreds of years of history shouting "FUCK, NO!" I totally believed that as we trained Iraqi security forces, we could accomplish our mission AGAIN with fewer American shrapnel magnets. Well, my bad. (Shrugs.) Oopsie-doodles!

Iraq Victory Plan 2005
Iraq Victory Plan 2007
Seems over the past year, the opposite has happened. The violence in Iraq - particularly Baghdad - overwhelmed the make-believe fantasy democracy that sprouted up in the barren desert of my own imagination. Who'd a thunk it, right? I mean, except for my own poppy and every Middle East scholar on earth?

Apparently, and don't quote me on this cuz I ain't no expert, but apparently them Sunni and Shia really, really, really hate the fuck out of each other. Like, they REALLY believe their dirt-bag, backward, gotta-kneel-on-a-hanky-like-you're-gonna-give-a-rusty-trombone religion is important enough to drill holes in the back of each other's heads. I kind of respect that. I mean, since when is the definition of a civil war "a violent action between political factions or region within the same country?" That is crap. What's happening in Iraq is just fantastically brutal rough-housing between a couple tribes of cranky no-goodniks. See the difference? These itty bitty wrinkles in my very own plan for a new, star-spangled Thousand Year Reich are distracting us from the most important point concerning this complex geo-political quandary: terrorists ba-a-a-ad; America go-o-o-od. That fact don't change. No sir.

The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people, but it's not your fault you're so fucking stupid. Seriously. I don't blame you, especially those of you who lost faith in me and flip-flopped over to those faggot-lambs-in-wolf-skin Democrats. I absolve you. You know not what you done. Now how about you shut the fuck up and let the War Time President do what he does best - have an anxiety attack while a small army of political hacks and pollsters make important national security policy that looks pretty on Fox News. Is the fact that we might be getting our asses whooped acceptable to me? Fuck you and your hippie mother, I hope her Graffix bong gets stuck up her twat you chickenshit homo. Why don't you go Google "I'm A Dick."

Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. That's what they're trained to do, whatever I tell them. That there is one of the "good" parts of the Constitution. Never doubt the civilian leadership. We are a thoughtful, sober, realistic group of elder statesmen who are doing what's best for the security of the America people, not the security of the tippy-top of the American pyramid scheme, or the security of impotent intellectuals like General Bill Kristol, or the security of my own personal hard-on for a wicked cool place in the history books of tomorrow. Not.

Wait. Stop the teleprompter for a sec? Do I have to read this part?

[Long Pause]

Oh, donkey balls!

[Swallows Lump in Throat]

Ok: Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with [unintelligible.]

The responsibility rests with [imperceptible whisper.]

Rests with [thundering, ridiculously juicy-sounding fart.]

There. I done it. Now here's the plan, right? We got us a new course to stay on. It's gonna be the bestest war plan of all time. This time, that sow's ear looks like a 100% Prada handbag.

Ready? Put on your game diapers America, because you're gonna shit a steaming, foot-long loaf of awesome. But before I tell you what it is, I want to assure you that I listened to many people over the past few months. I snoozed through the Iraq Study Group's gay recommendations. I rolled my eyes when the "voters" gave the GOP a heavy-duty ass-thumpin'. I nodded dutifully while turncoat, asswhore Republicans begged me to listen to the collective wisdom of the nation. And after much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I'm the President and therefore infallible. Who are you gonna trust, common sense or my own out-of-control megalomania? Fer reelz, yo?

If sending a generation of young Americans to either die for nothing, or live out their lives as Whiny McStumpys, then burdening their grandchildren with a war debt to China while giving greedy, tax-dodging corporations sweetheart reconstruction deals, and all the while doing my best to make sure our Republic evolves into a more efficient Empire with me wearing the Imperial cock ring is wrong, if that phat-rad legacy is wrong, then sugar-dimples, this cowpoke don't want to be right.

But right I am. I won't lose this war. Nuh-uh. I will leave that for the next punk-ass sucker. Which is why my all-new, genius plan is to send 20,000 more of our best and brightest to go play Keystone Rent-a-Cops in my personal, custom-made black hole of anarchy and death. That's right – we're going to piss gasoline on this bonfire of bones and kick up the fire into one fucking BADASS barbecue! Cuz guess what bitches? We're stuck in Iraq. Ain't no pulling out, so BRING IT ON! Ain't no bloodletting like a US-backed bloodletting, cuz a US backed bloodletting don't STOP!

20,000 more of you down the well, and maybe that buys me a graceful exit. In closing, Dear America, go to hell. And remember: The best kind of sacrifice is the kind of sacrifice where you thank someone else for their sacrifice.


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