Anyway, I'm glad you called. Because George and I have a family to spend time with, we are going to Crawford next month. While we're gone, I need you to pop into my walk-in medicine cabinet and sort my encyclopedic collection of rash and itch remedies – creams to the right, ointments to the left. And front in the front and back in the back, if you know what I mean. Last time, you had me reaching for Preparation H for a yeast infection and my lady-hole puckered up and closed over for a week!
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: [Sobs Softly]
THE FIRST LADY: Are you crying, dear? Listen, while I light this ciggy, you tell me as quickly as possible what your little problem is, OK?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: I'm sorry, Missus Bush. (Sniffs) It's just that when I was testifying [Sniffs] to Congress the other day about what an encouraging clusterfuck Iraq has turned into... [Sniffs] Senator Barbara Boxer done went and disrespected me!
THE FIRST LADY: Oh, is that all? Goodness me, I knew you had bad skin, but I never guessed that you also had thin skin, too! [Puff] So what did that sour old Jew say?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: She said... [Sniffs] Well, she implied that I'm not sacrificing anything for Iraq because I'm... I'm... [Sniffs] a CRUSTY OLD SPINSTER! [Wails Plaintively]
THE FIRST LADY: OK. [Puff] Then what did she say that was bad?
CONDOLEEZE RICE: Uhhhhh... well she told everyone how my... my... [Sniffs] BARREN WOMB HAS NEVER PRODUCED CHILDREN! [Sobs Hysterically]
THE FIRST LADY: Condi, honestly, I don't have all day here. [Puff] Get to the part where that commie hag said something untrue. [Puff] And step on it.
CONDOLEEZE RICE: Well isn't that enough?
THE FIRST LADY: And this was during a Senate hearing?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Uh-huh. [Sniffs]
THE FIRST LADY: Well, that is disrespectful – of ME. [Puff] I can't believe that Senator Boxer flat-out STOLE my line about why you'd never make it as a Presidential candidate, and tried to use it on that boring old Iraq thing. And for her to waste it on C-SPAN – where only a couple thousand people are watching – just adds insult to injury. At least when I said it, it was for the 3.7 million subscribers of People Magazine. And she didn't give me any credit whatsoever?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Ummm... No, ma'am. [Sniffs]
THE FIRST LADY: Well we'll teach her what happens to little bitches who take what's not theirs! I'm calling Karl Rove right now to coordinate a nice smear job on her in one or two of Rupert Murdoch's outlets. When Karl's done spinning her decades-long record of annoyingly strident feminism, she'll make Strom Thurmond look like Gloria Steinem. [Snuffs Out Parliament Menthol 100]
There, won't that make you feel better, dear?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: [Silence] I suppose so, ma'am.
THE FIRST LADY: That's a good girl! OK, I'm off to whip up my very first Xanatini of the evening. Make sure you have those balms and lotions arranged by the time we get back, you hear?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Yes, ma'am.
THE FIRST LADY: That's a good girl! You barren gals need to keep busy. That way, you won't realize how utterly alone and desolate your little life is. Bye.