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January 17, 2007

President Congratulates Brave Iraqazoids on Proud Achievement of Minting 34,000 FREEDOM® HeroesTM in 2006

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, people of Iraq. Yesterday, the United Nations announced that in 2006, 34,000 of your civilians surprised the world (and no doubt themselves, too!) by sacrificing everything to help transformize your country into a blissful utopia, where bomb-pocked streets are beautified with joyful splotches of crimson FREEDOM® juice. How happy you must be! (Thumbs Up)

In my country, whenever a bunch of poor suckers get blown to pieces by religious or political lunatics, we like to mark the event by calling each pitiful victim a "hero". That way, they sound like they were brave, instead of just regular Joe Schmos who probably pooped their pants while their lives were being snuffed out for no reason.

And boy howdy did you Iraqazoids have a hero-tastic year! 36,000! An average of 93 new heroes a day? That's like having your own 9/11TM, each and every month!

Now, I know what you're thinking: I deserve all the credit, on account of I single-handedly created the exciting, action-packed reality you've come to know and love – and will likely continue to live for decades to come. But no, I can't accept credit where credit is due. Modesty prevents me. Well, modesty and the increasingly real possibility of me one day getting dragged in front of that Hague thing.

Fortunately, we both have reason to be proud. As you may have heard, America has also had a very heroic year bringing liberty to your oil fields. Why, it seems like just yesterday that I was celebrating our own 2000 hero mark, and here we've already gone and shot past 3,000! At this rate, America will reach 4714 heroes by the time I leave office. But since I don't like complicated numbers, I've ordered this "surge" thing so we can be sure to get a nice, easy-to-remember 5K. (Thumbs Up)

I know things aren't going quite like I said they would after I got my payback on Saddam Hussein, but just repeat after me: "We're making progress!" You see, before you can accomplish anything, time has to pass, and the funny thing about time is, lots of stuff happens. And so long as the thing you're trying to do isn't done yet, pretty much everything that happens until it IS done counts as progress, on account of it's a by-product of the time needed to get the thingamajig you want done. See what I mean? So in your case, we can now point to 34,000 more bloody chunks of progress!

And another thing – stacks of putrefying FREEDOM® corpses are good for more than just morale. Back here in Washington DC, our Vietnam Memorial is pretty much the biggest and most popular tourist stop we have – and that only has 58,000 names on it! Just imagine how many names your memorial will have when (if) this war ends. It will be so awesome, and the crowds so ginormous, that just taxing those little paper and chalk rubbing kits will be enough to lift your economy out of the shitter!

So again, congratulations on a great year – and rest assured that I'm doing my very best to make sure that we BOTH have an even more heroic 2007!

Thank you, and may God bless America.

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