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December 7, 2006

President's Statement on Bitchy Report From Crusty Old Geezers Intent on Losing the Awesomely Prosecuted War on Evil

THE PRESIDENT: Howdy. Yeah. Let’s keep this short. First of all, there's like a BAJILLION reports circulating all over this town, so let me just say that this Iraqi Study Report ain't nothing special. You want to know how a bureaucracy justifies its existence? Issuing reports. Somebody down in the bowels of the Treasury Department gets a hangnail, and they issue a report on it. If that giant statue of Abraham Lincoln sitting in that memorial over yonder were Washington DC incarnate, it would stand up, squat over the reflecting pool, and squirt an endless, frothy geyser of useless study group pages right out of his bronze asshole.

So I'm just saying, this "Iraqi Study Group Report" thang? I read it, OK? And I don’t read shit, unless it's the Beatle Bailey in the funny papers. But whatevs. I know what I'm doing. I don’t need no "policy experts" telling me how to run the USA. I'm President, motherfuckers. It goes God, Jesus, then MOI, and then maybe my Mommy in terms of the most important people ever.

Look, I know the situation in Iraq is, like, totally complex. There be evil Iraqis, and good Iraqis and there's us. And then there's Syria, which is evil, and Iran, which is mega-evil. Also: lots of people are dying. But the mission was accomplished, and I'm a big idea guy, not a detail guy. There you go. Super simple. But I guess since that little hiccup of a political oopsie back in November means I got to pretend to be all patient and kiss the wrinkly hindquarters of dudes like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Tell them what they want to hear. Let them all bitch and moan and talk about "redeployment" and "pullback" and shit like that. But I know better: we're in Iraq for a looooooong time. I made sure of that. (Sarcastic Cackle.) Besides, I don't know why peeps is freaking out – them Iraqis is doing a better job of killing each other than our demoralized, underfunded boys ever could!

Before I give my studied insights on this here report, let me say that I respect Daddy’s ol’ pal Jimmy Baker – or as I always called him: Uncle Turkey Neck. For sure. Helped me get this gig all the way back in 2000. He comes over sometimes and nods off by the fire and his farts smell like vitamin-fortified milk. Sometimes he’ll thrill us with exciting stories about unilateral diplomatic conferences where Micronesian countries debated the intricacies of monitoring certain Pacific Ocean shipping lanes. I appreciate him showing up with a bunch of Republican and Democrat has-beens who are all excited somebody cleared the cobwebs outta their noses and made them feel important. I appreciate these old timers showing up the way old timers do and serving up useless 20/20 hindsight and backseat kvetching. Thanks guys. Good job. Drink up the spotlight you fuckers so dearly miss. Your country loves your twilight service. Now shut the fuck up and die already.

There are all these recommendations in this here report and it's written all fancy and look, I'm not a TOTAL dumbass. I'm asking EVERYBODY'S opinion on the war in Iraq. I even asked Barney what he thought about Iraq; I asked him how he thinks it's going and he said "RUFF!" HA! That's a joke. But seriously, I talk to my dog. But this report, by The Iraqi Study Group, seems to have everyone's panties in a bunch. First of all, this is war, you know? Not study hall. Secondly, of all the recommendations in the book, the one that I seem to not be able to find is the recommendation on HOW TO WIN THIS WAR. You really want to sit down across from them Iranians and Syrians and play UNO and drink grape soda? Go right ahead: it's just gonna slow down the inevitable. We will win this war, and you know why? Cuz we're eviler than all them sons o' whores.

How about THAT, Iraqi Study Group? Sheesh. Let me tell y’all something: the war in Iraq is our war. Democrats and Republicans. It's ours. The world don't see TWO Americas. It sees one. So go ahead and fuck this up. Ain't my fuck up. It's OUR fuck up. BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY ELECTED ME AS YOUR PRESIDENT, BITCHES! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

So suck on that, Uncle Turkey Neck. You're just pissed off because MY Secretary of State has a healthy, muscular pussy and yours queefs little puffs of sawdust.

POTUS over and out.

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