Vice President Cheney and his Wife Offer Very Special Holiday Wishes to Their Christian Taliban Base

What to get our supposedly loyal base, the folks who let us down at the polls last month and made it possible for America-hating liberals to run riot in Congress, embarrass us and force Dick's best buddy Donny Rumsfeld to be subjected to thankless humiliation and unemployment?

Since this is the season we celebrate the birth of a child born to a woman who refused to name the biological father, we, frankly, couldn’t think of a more fitting "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" to all our fickle, turncoat base than to announce that our daughter (the one who looks like Dennis the Menace) got her hands on a Williams-Sonoma turkey baster from Katie Holmes Cruise (which she assures us is "100% Scientology Sperm Free!") and is having an:

How do you like them apples, you disloyal, worthless Benedict Arnolds?

We would also like to send a special yuletide shout-out to our base in Virginia, who passed laws that outlaw our daughter's marriage and make it virtually impossible for her partner Heather to have rights to the child (who will be known as Halliburton "Hal" Cheney). But thanks to stock inflation from war profits in Iraq, our little pumpkin will be so filthy rich he won't be affected by those silly laws. After all, laws are like military drafts: they only affect the poor, suckers!

A Merry Christmas Happy Holidays,

Mr. & Mrs. Richard B. Cheney

P.S. Just in case our holiday "fuck you" to all you fair-weather supporters and professional prudes isn't entirely clear: Both of us will be wearing latex for the entire month of December.