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December 1, 2006

President Makes Triumphant Return From Mega-Successful Summit With Annoyingly Willful Puppet Who Blew Him Off

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please be seated.

Yesterday, I returned from someplace called "Jordan." Yeah, just like the sneakers. I guess it claims to be a country or something. Whatever. Anyway, I schlepped all the way to that dump in order to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Maury al-Malarky – on account of Iraq is... umm... it's... well... LOOK, WE ARE FUCKING WINNING, OK??? IT'S MY WAR AND I SAY WE'RE WINNING! GO USA! GO ME!! GO USA-ME!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!

(Clears throat.)

So... just before I left, my National Defense boy, Stevie Hadley, gave me a memo saying how Mr. Al… Mr. allah-Makka… er… Mr. ally-Malakkawakkadingdong-or-whatever-that-sand-coon's-name-is is a total stupid loser. Gee, Stevie – an Iraqazoid who can't even wipe his own ass? Well duuuuh! Next time, send me a memo about how fish swim and rabbits fuck.

(Rolls eyes.)

So yeah, I traveled thousands of miles for this face-saving PR stunt. I even gave up a weekend in Crawford. And I was looking forward to telling him the folksy new nickname I made up for him: "Dead Man Walking."


But... well... the motherfucker blew me off.

(Chews lip.)

Stood me up.

(Grinds teeth.)

Can you believe it? I mean, who does this guy think he is? If it weren't for me bombing his lousy shithole of a country into total hopeless chaos, this guy never would have had a chance to be Prime Minister. He'd still be just another Arabiac nobody. Dead Man Walking owes me everything! And this is the thanks I get?

(Deep sigh.)

First time in history someone's snubbed a U.S. President like that. How humiliating.

(Wrings hands.)

And everywhere I went over there, people were pointing and snickering at me. Well, the ones who weren't ignoring me.


So I left. Figured I oughtta get back here to America – where I'm still real important and all.


(Thumbs up.)

And now I'm back!


Ready to be important again! Ready to make real important decisions and stuff!


So, anyone got any questions?






HELLO? (Echoes.)

(Lights click out.)

Oh, fuck.

(Soft wimpering.)

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