Gentlemen,

It's been a long hard slog leading up to the November elections, and while the press continues to predict a Democrat landside – we know better don't we? From our special friends at Diebold, to reaping the benefits of having the smallest, wealthiest constituency possible, I am utterly confident in our ground game.

Of course, better safe than sorry, right my brothers? Enclosed is a list of potential "October Surprises" that I have engineered in order to give the GOP a bump in the polls, and at the ballot box.

• Leak retaliatory graphic sexual instant messages between John Kerry and Clay Aiken
• Issue bogus panicked warnings about terror attacks at NFL games (Done!)
• Momentary tax breaks on the following lower income bracket luxuries: fried chicken, Entenmann's chocolate-frosted donuts, grape soda.
• Release video tape of 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta playing Madden on PS2
• Hugo Chavez eats stick of dynamite cleverly disguised as a tamale
• George Allen reveals that he is, in fact, a mulattoo – a secret he's harbored for years. The only aspect of his heretofore unknown ethnicity that manifests itself is an eleven-inch black cock
• Free Viagra for all elderly men, women, and children
• Free Super Big Gulp full of crude at all participating 7-11's
• America's top intelligence agencies reveal that House Democrats TiVO Project Runway while clenching falafel ben-wa balls between their freshly waxed buttocks
• Strafing of the Mexican border with low flying warthog attack craft chainguns
• Jon Benet Ramsey's killer arrested (this time for real!)
• America's top intelligence agencies reveal that House Democrats
• Terrorists posing as flight-certified Yankees pitchers (Done!)
• Jesus returns to Earth, is interviewed by Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday.
• Vice President Dick Cheney shoots, kills, and mounts Osama Bin Laden
• Christian scientists conclude and publish report stating a direct link between anal sex and militant Islamofascism
• Trump up Whitewater-flavored non-scandal about a Harry Reid real estate deal (Done!)
• The US to sign lease with Pakistan, rename it New Alabama
• Special Forces dispatched to wage preemptive strike on Iran's nuclear reactors
• It's revealed that Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi violates her genitals in the congressional cloakroom with an electric toothbrush
• $100 Million in fearmonger-tested, shit-your-pants-terrifying TV ads (Starting today!)

Thanks, and good "LUCK"!