FROM: Dennis Hastert, Speaker of the House
TO: All House Pages
PRIORITY: HIGH

RE: Intra-Congressional Miscommunications

In lieu of recent events, it is imperative that all pages be clear on their respective Representative's intent when communicating by e-mail, instant message or via traditional verbal form. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for inexperienced and highly-expendable teenagers to misinterpret the sometimes ambiguous codes and complex shorthand used by Congressmen since the time of our great forefathers.

Below you will find a list of commonly misunderstood phrases, accompanied by their literal meanings. Please commit these translations to memory, as any alternate interpretations from this point forward will be considered a mistake on the part of the page and may result in disciplinary action up to and including premature termination and/or spanking.

Message: "LOL"
Translation: I am laughing while I type at my computer.

Message: "TTYL"
Translation: We will speak at another engagement.

Message: "How often do U work out?"
Translation: If there is a last minute vote, please contact me via my pager as I may be out of cell phone range.

Message: "What are U wearing?"
Translation: This Friday will be "Casual Friday." Please feel free to wear khakis with a matching and appropriate sport coat. Ties are not optional.

Message: "Are UR pants off?"
Translation: Please schedule cocktail meeting for next Thursday with members from the House Committee on Judicial Matters. Pre-order two cases of Booker's bourbon.

Message: "Sometimes nothing feels better than a good rub down after a long day of work. Have U been rubbed down?"
Translation: Please confirm my travel arrangements for Saturday's speaking engagement at the Elks Lodge.

Message: "Did U touch urself today?"
Translation: Please send the constituent surveys to the mailroom for automatic stamping.

Message: "R U hard?"
Translation: Be sure to get a receipt for the stamped mailings you sent to members of the League of Women Voters.

Message: "Do the girls in high school let U cum in their mouths?"
Translation: My flight departs from Reagan Airport tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. Please ship the necessary documents via FedEx to the El Paso Radisson concierge desk.

Message: "How did U become such a HOT young STUDDZOR?"
Translation: Please make a list of your high school accomplishments and attach it to a copy of your transcript so that my secretary can write a letter of recommendation to the university of your choice.

Message: "Do U like to hang around the gymnasium?"
Translation: I am considering a bid for the Senate.

Message: "I had to stroke myself a few times before I left for work today."
Translation: Many of my voters enjoy the musical styling of Billy Squier.

Message: "My cock is so stiff right now."
Translation: I would like you to schedule an appointment with members of the House Committee on Agriculture in regards to a follow-up meeting about soy product projections for 2007.

Message: "I want to see U in a steam room after the big game."
Translation: Please send a message to the CSPAN camera operator that I am not getting enough face time when I appear on the floor.

Message: "UR so tight."
Translation: You must confirm that tomorrow's dinner and cocktail meeting at the Palm will give me face time with the appropriate PAC treasurers.

Message: "I left a tub of Vaseline in your desk. Apply a generous dollop to UR pert, pubescent anus and meet me in the bathroom."
Translation: I am considering your request for a letter of recommendation for the appropriate scholarship for which you believe you are qualified.

Message: "I want U to unload it in my face."
Translation: I would like you to show my secretary how to set up a "MySpace" page so that I can appeal to the youth demographic. Please recommend bands and TV shows that are popular at your school.

Message: "I have taken a position in the Beef Caucus."
Translation: Meet me in the third unlocked stall at the ManHole, located near the Foggy Bottom Metro entrance. Knock twice and bring the heated lube I keep in my desk.

Message: "May result in disciplinary action."
Translation: There will be no cuddling.