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October 26, 2006

President Warns Iraqazoids That There Are Limits to His Patience With Humiliating and Utterly Hopeless Failure

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. I come before you tonight with a simple message for the people of Iraqistan:

Shape up. Please. As the situation in your country continues to implode, you're making me look like a total whooped loser here – and if there's one thing that us arrogant make-pretend cowboys hate, it's falling face-first in a steaming pile of shit that's so big and so obvious, even the blind retard who cleans the stables saw it coming a hundred miles away.

Seriously now, it’s just not funny anymore. And don’t get me wrong, this Iraq thing was definitely funny at first. It was like my own personal tailor-made season of The Real World. You know, “We’ve taken a dozen different flavors of multi-colored lunatics, stuck them in one country, deprived them of law, order, running water, and electricity – and now we’ll see what happens when folks stop holding back their seething faith-based hatred and start being REAL.” It was hilarious. You dune monkeys really went to town on each other, and every night me and Pickles would watch on the TV and laugh and laugh and laugh!

But well, after three years, I’m starting to think this show might have “jumped the camel”, my sand-bred non-friends. Sure, I still crack a smile at the thought of 400,000 of your people being dead, but with American fatalities almost at 3,000, and GOP poll numbers in the dumps just before an election, the belly laughs just aren’t there anymore. Understand?

Now, I’m not giving an ultimatum, but I’m getting pretty darn sick of you Iraqers not doing your share. I mean, we keep training you people to protect your own country, and what do you do? You die like we’re still trying to kill you! And we’re not! We haven’t been actively trying to wipe you people out for… uh… well, at least a few weeks.

So here’s the deal; listen up. I know that all your countrymen who were actually smart and competent have either been killed or fled, but I need you losers who are left to try to step it up and at least look like you’re halfway capable of policing the hopeless disaster we’ve created for you. Just for a little while. Meet some softball “benchmarks” and “milestones” – purely for PR value. Play nice for the cameras, eh?

And so you know I’m serious this time: can you guess what’ll happen if you don’t do what I say? I’ll… well, uh, I’ll… I’ll BOMB YOUR COUNTRY into… No, already did that one.

Uhhhh…. I’ll swarm your homes and public areas with depressed, trigger-happy soldiers with no defined missions other than to blow shit up if it smells funny and… No, did that, too.

Hmmmm. Ooooh, I know! Do what I tell you to, or I’m going to pack up my troops and just go home. What do you think about that, huh? That’s right, just totally CUT AND RU– Oh. Ix-nay on the ip-flop-flay. Hold on a sec…
What I’ll do is I’ll announce new “benchmarks” and “mile– oh FUCK!

Gotta think of something. History’s watching… (Rubs Temples.)

The little gerbil wheel in my head is spinning real fast, but… (Bangs Head.)

No… ideas… (Whimpers.)

Everyone… laughing… at me….

(Hysterical Sobbing.)

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