SCRIPT EXCERPTS OF DELETED SCENES FROM ABC'S FAIR & BALANCED DOCU-DRAMA, THE PATH TO 9/11TM
Declassified Memorandum
THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. As you know, the ABC television network, while usually revoltingly liberal,
recently saw fit to produce a quality, all-American piece of hot 9-11TM
patrio-porn, scheduled for broadcast one hour from now. Tragically, in response to whiny protests
from my predecessor and his staff, Disney is VICIOUSLY GUTTING key scenes from
this fine work of art. Fortunately, a staffer of my own – we'll call him "K.R." –
just happened to have a copy of the original script, written in longhand on yellow legal pads.
As President, I feel strongly that the American people must not be deprived of even a moment's worth
of this important historical record. Thank you.
DELETED SCENE #1:
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky sprawl naked across the Old Resolute desk, feeding each other
glazed Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins from an enormous crystal punchbowl. Monica's floppy lady parts are
puffing away at a cheap cigar.
MONICA
Don't you want to ignore the safety of America's children to taste my cigar, Handsome?
PRESIDENT CLINTON
That meaty humidor of yours turns all them Hav-A-Tampas into Hav-A-Tampons!
MONICA
Isn't it time for your security daily briefing?
PRESIDENT CLINTON
You've already debriefed me with your gopher teeth, baby. Now, why don't you slip those incisors behind
your warm, wet lips and suck the life out of Bill Junior here while I lay back on this desk and neglect
to heed the obvious warnings of impending doom from Islamo-fascists?
(motions downward)
Dropping quickly to her cellulite-encrusted knees:
MONICA
(suddenly eager)
Oh yes! I'm here for you, Handsome. I want to make Bill Junior so happy he spits on my tonsils!
Grabbing Lewinsky's hair and roughly forcing her face towards the cloud of scabies hovering
above the First Crotch:
PRESIDENT CLINTON
Right on! The only thing that would make me happier than you doing that thing with your big sloppy Labrador
tongue would be if Osama bin Laden blew up some fucking New Yorkers just as I'm about to shoot a
love missile into the back of your throat!
(laughs maniacally)
MONICA
(unintelligible - mouth full)
PRESIDENT CLINTON
Awwwwwwwwwwww, yeeeeeeeeaaaaaah....
FADE OUT.
DELETED SCENE #2:
EXT. EISENHOWER EXECUTIVE OFFICE BUILDING - ESTABLISHING - DAY
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE COUNTERTERRORISM OFFICE
RICHARD CLARKE
(into phone)
Mr. President?
INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT PRIVATE PARTY SUITE
PRESIDENT CLINTON
(into cell phone)
What is it now, Clarke? Can't you quit bugging me about protecting America? I'm busy here.
(aside)
Bring that quadruple-pounder burger over here, sweet cheeks! Hey, you slap me one more time,
I'm going to start calling you Hillary. When I said I wanted to place our citizens in harms way
while I chewed on a few tasty breasts, I wasn't talking about your spicy chicken, sugar tits!
INT. WHITE HOUSE COUNTERTERRORISM OFFICE
RICHARD CLARKE
(into phone)
Mr. President. The threat of terror is real, but you ignore it more than
any of the four Commanders in Chief I've served under. If things don't change soon, I'm
going to resign and write a tell-all book about it!
PRESIDENT CLINTON (V.O.)
(menacing)
I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right. Is this the same Richard Clarke who,
when followed by my lesbian wife's secret team of Vince Foster-assassinating thugs,
was secretly photographed soliciting and sodomizing a 16 year-old boy prostitute over
by Dupont Circle?
RICHARD CLARKE
(shocked - into phone)
Wha?? How did you...? Oh... Oh GOD. Please don't tell anyone. PLEASE. I'LL
DO ANYTHING!
Licking a dollop of mayonnaise off the glitter-dusted nipple of a chunky waitress:
PRESIDENT CLINTON
(smugly)
Yeah, I know you will. Specifically, no matter what happens, you'll always swear on your
life that I did WAY more about terrorism than any of those Republican defense freak
Presidents ever did.
RICHARD CLARKE (V.O.)
I'll do it. I promise! Please, just dont' tell anyone. I'm married to a woman who orders
covert assassinations like most wives order upholstery fabric...
PRESIDENT CLINTON
I like the book idea, too. Do that – except MY WAY. Otherwise, who knows? Certain
Polaroids of you balls-deep in teenaged ass pudding might just find their way onto that Internet thing
that Al Gore just built.
RICHARD CLARKE (V.O.)
OK, OK. Whatever you say...
(sobbing hysterically)
DELETED SCENE #3:
EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY
CUT TO:
INT. SITUATION ROOM
PENTAGON STAFFER 1
Mr. National Security Advisor? We have word from Centcom that Osama bin Laden is in our
crosshairs. Requesting permission to take out the target, sir.
SANDY BERGER
(grimaces)
PENTAGON STAFFER 1
Sir, awaiting your instructions, sir.
SANDY BERGER
(wringing hands)
Woe is me! If only I had the enormous, bloodthirsty testicles of a Republican. What to do???
If I were Henry Kissinger, I could simply order every village in a hundred mile radius carpet-bombed
with 10 million tons of napalm and clusterbombs, killing thousands of innocent old ladies
and children.
(grimaces)
PENTAGON STAFFER 1
Are those your orders, sir?
SANDY BERGER
NO! SWEET LORD, NO! Oh, if only I were a strong, freckly black woman with a taste for
BDSM catsuits. Then I'd know what to do about these confounded terrorists!
(grimaces - grunts softly)
(long pause)
PENTAGON STAFFER 1
Sir? Do you smell that, sir?
SANDY BERGER
Yes.
PENTAGON STAFFER 1
What is it?
SANDY BERGER
I.. I... I made a poopy in my BVDs. (sobs)
CUT TO:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN MOUNTAINS
OSAMA BIN LADEN
(firing Kalashnakov rifle into air)
Thanks be to Allah that George W. Bush is only the Governor of Texas!
If HE were President, in seven years I might be... well.. I guess doing exactly the
same thing I'm doing now. (Thumbs up.) (Laughs.)
###
|
White House Information:
