PRESIDENT OFFERS CONDOLENCES TO JOE LIEBERMAN ON HIS VICIOUS POLITICAL LYNCHING BY SISSY-ASSED ANTI-KILLING YANKEES
Presidential Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
(Ringing.)
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Hello?
THE PRESIDENT: Jewboy 2000! How's it hangin'?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President?
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Listen, didn't I tell you I wanted my favorite boots polished by today? I was gonna wear them
suckers this morning, but they still had Barney fudge all crusted up in the heels. What's the deal? I thought I
could count on you!
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President, I'm kind of busy right now, and–
THE PRESIDENT: Well you're about to get busier; Listen up, we've got some new talking points about this
Iraqistan clusterfuck, and Karl wants you and Condi to have 'em memorized by tomorrow AM.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President, I'm afraid now isn't really a good time.
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah don't I know it! Look at the clock! I'm already two hours late for my sleepytimes. At this rate,
I might even put in a 25-hour work week. I oughtta issue an Executive Order granting myself time and half pay!
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President, do you remember a few months ago, when you had me cancel everything on my schedule to come
to the White House and put Compound W on your plantar's warts?
THE PRESIDENT: Do I ever! You've got the magic touch, Jewboy! Them little bastards cleared right up. Which
reminds me, I want you here first thing Friday morning. I've got some infected pubic hair follicles on my taint
I want you to irrigate.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Yes, sir. I'll be there, sir. But do you remember how I was telling you about the developing
situation in my home state of Connecticut?
THE PRESIDENT: Connecticut? Awww, man. I was born in that puny little shithole. Went to college there, too. Whole
damned state is filled with stuck-up smarty-pants assholes who sneer down their noses atcha all the time – even
if all you're doing is sucking down a funnel or five of Schlitz out on the DEKE quad.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Well... remember that Ned Lamont fellow I mentioned?
THE PRESIDENT: LaWho? No. Listen, I'm also sending you a checklist of all the GOP-sponsored bills I'm gonna need
your vote on once Congress gets back in session next month. And don't forget none of them like you did my boots,
you hear Jewboy?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President, Ned Lamont was my opponent in the Democratic primary. And he just beat me. In
fact, I just moments ago conceded defeat.
THE PRESIDENT: Huh? You got your ass whooped?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I'm afraid so, sir. (Sniffs.)
THE PRESIDENT: (Hysterical Laughter.) Aww man, that sucks. You must feel awful. I mean, I guess you do. Not like
I would know. If you ask me, where you fucked up was not having a super-successful daddy with the same name as you, so
you could get a bulletproof political career handed to you on a diamond-encrusted platinum platter! How come you didn't do that?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: That just wasn't in the cards for me, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Oh well. So this Ned Vermont guy. Now I'm starting to remember when we talked about this. You said,
"this guy might win if Iraq keeps spiralling into a hopeless, unmitigizated disaster."
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: That's right, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: And then I said, "That's OK. We'll just have you launch 'OPERATION NADER REDUX' to split the Dem
vote and repaint that sorry little Yankee postage stamp in a beautiful GOP blood-red."
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Correct, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, so have you started?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I'll be filing the necessary papers with the Connecticut Secretary of State first thing in the morning, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: That's a good Jewboy!
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Mr. President, I was hoping you could maybe help me with something else?
THE PRESIDENT: What?
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: Could you talk to your money people about infusing my dark horse independent campaign with zillions
of Republican campaign dollars – all off the books, of course.
THE PRESIDENT: (Chuckles.) Tell you what, Jewboy: you polish the turds off of my boots, and then maybe we'll talk
about it next week.
(Click.)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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