THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. This certainly is a historic day. I've just got back from gorging myself and dispensing mega-quality advice to world leaders at the G-8 in St. Pittsburg to find that, for the first time in six years, the GOP Congress didn't bend over and grab its ankles when I snapped my fingers.

(Boos.)

I know, I know. It pains me too, because I almost had a perfect record of keeping the the various Executive Branch subsidiaries like the House and Senate totally pussy-whooped. But it is what it is.

Anyhoo, I stand before you today in front of a gaggle of infant meat props and their opportunistic media exposure-happy parents to inform you that I have just used my first presidential veto to reject a bill passed by Congress that would increase federal funding for biomedical research on womb booger stem cells.

(Applause.)

This bill would have increased money for bloodthirsty science whackos to conduct so-called "experiments" that snuff out the rich, fully realized lives of cryogenically frozen microdots of uterus schmeg in order to appease America's most selfish egomaniacs: forgetful geriatrics, gimpy children and, most egregiously, liberal Hollywood types like Parkinazi posterboy Michael "shaky J" Fox and Christopher "Not-So-Super-Anymore" Reeves. And so I vetoed that shit toot sweet!

Get the GODLY New Book!

(Applause.)

Let's look on the bright side, okay? At least Alzheimer's patients don't REALIZE they're suffering!

(Cheers.)

See, back in 2001, scarcely one month before I was transformed from an election-stealing, fortunate son imbecile into Saint Bush, Jesus' right hand man, I spoke to the nation on the stem cell issue, and carved out a middle of the road proposal which did nothing but cover my ass from whichever way the political winds blew. Fortunately for me, they blew right into the Twin Towers in Jew York City, and everyone forgot all about my stem cell cop-out.

(Cheers.)

Like most Republicans, I believe that science is an ungodly pursuit to disprove the flawless words of scripture, which were scribbled down by a bearded and white-haired ghost sitting on a Barcalounger made of clouds some 5000 years ago. Most scientists may disagree, but I'm with my super-informed, science expert wife when she says: "We don't even know that stem cell research will provide cures for anything!" In other words, it's the same inspired approach I've applied to solving the nukular proliferation problem: when in doubt, do nothing.

(Applause.)

Yes, in fertility clinics across America, millions of extra clumps of frozen cells each represent a teensy-weensy person with inherent human dignity and matchless value – who should NOT be experimented on. No, they should be left in eternal limbo, at least until their parents stop paying for liquid nitrogen rental space and they get unceremoniously flushed down the shitter.

(Applause.)

We see the promise of that approach in the handful of children who are with us today. These boys and girls behind me are not spare parts (Applause). Instead, they are the backdrop to a meticulously planned and executed photo-op. And in 18 years time, some of them, along with the other womb boogers this veto saves, will be cannon fodder for whichever nation my brother Jeb decides to invade in 2024.

(Applause.)

Now, I know it's an election year, so I understand why Congress has gotta bring up issues which send the right wing base into a racist, xenophobic and religious lather. I'd do it myself if I were running. What I don't understand is how some conservatives, like soon-to-be yesterday's news Bill Frist, would actually want to start representing the will of the majority. (Rolls eyes.) Perhaps he got compromised by talking to certain whiny or faggy relatives of has-been Presidents – and so he stepped over to switch hit and vote with the "death to infants" party. Lucky the Bushmeister is here with his trusty pen to put the kibosh on that shit, and quick.

So while I'm striking a near-crippling blow to the scientific community today, I want to close by mouthing some empty platitudes about finding new ways to heal our sick and cure our most devastating diseases, or whatever. Luckily, the White House Department of Faith has come up with an alternative to stem cell research: Get on your knees, clasp your hands together, squint your peepers tight, and wish reeeaaaal hard to get better. See, I just prayed that the news of this veto gets eclipsed by what's going on in Middle East, and it worked!

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, am returning herewith without my approval H.R. 810, the "Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2005."

EAT SHIT, SICK PEOPLE!

(Applause.)

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