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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - July 18, 2006 - 4:19 P.M. (EST)

SCUFFLE IN THE MIDDLE EAST: PRESIDENT ASSURES PUBLIC THAT UNFOLDING APOCALYPSE IN JEWTOWN & ALLAHSTAN IS NO BIGGIE
Presidential Statement

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. I would like to casually pop a squat and jaw-jaw with y'all about the brotherly roughhousing between Israel and the entire Muslim world. Before I neatly package the adorable carnage in the Holy Land into the most simplistic, childlike sound bite I can, allow me to applaud you chicken littles in the press. Just like yours truly, every time there's mass killing somewhere, you get all pumped up. Ad revenue starts spiking. Slick new motion graphics with ominous, martial music get rolled out. Other annoying issues like election turmoil in Mexico, global warming, and freaks with nukes get put on the back burner so that silver-haired queerbots like that crybaby Vanderbilt boy on CNN can traipse overseas in Prada flackjackets. Who needs objectivity, truth, and public service when you got millions of dollars of rubbernecking video to sell? (Winks.)

But what I really want to thank you for is not calling this minor little game of slap-ass in the Middle East what it really is: the beginning of...

(Silently mouths the words "World War III".)

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And why would you? It took you fuckrods a whole year before you realized I really HAD gone and invaded a country on the cheap without so much as a battle plan purely to avenge my wimpy pappy's honor. Either you super-noble citizen heroes lost your zipper marbles, or were hedging your bets by waiting to see which side of history came out on top. I dunno. Good job though.

It's times like these that I have to salute the American public school system, because without it, Americans might have a sense of history – I Love the 80's notwithstanding. Yale history degree or not, I sure as fuck don't. If Americans had any sense of history, then they'd know that You-Know-What #1 and #2 both started because of tangled alliances, and proxy battles fought by pipsqueak players on behalf of bloated world powers. And it don't get more bloated than the USA; the only difference being Old Europe was a bunch of fatso dandies with walrus moustaches, whereas AMERICA IZ TEH ROXXORZ!

You know, it's hard to stay the course when the road is paved with improvised explosive devices. But I'm a leader. I lead. Lookit me! I cross my fingers, pray to Jesus, and send other people's sons to travel the road well-sabotaged. So until further notice, I'm declaring everything hunky dory. And that's an order. (Thumbs up.)

I don't think I get enough credit for how totally right I was about the Axis of Evil; boy howdy I was right. Too bad I've never had no idea how to deal with them, besides acting all coy, and bitchy, and then showing how manly we are by throwing billions of dollars worth of bombs, corporate contracts, and human souls into the bottomless pit that is Vietraq. Fuck man, we showed them!

Now as I mentioned to Tony Poppins at summer camp this week, we all know that if Iran and Syria stopped supplying Hizzzz-booolah and Hambone with rockets, and guns, and juice boxes... then KABLOWIE! Everything's raining candy bars, you know? Dude, it's so simple. If people would just do what I tell them, we wouldn't have no problems. Earth would be like a DEKE kegger and heaven combined! I could sign an executive order moving happy hour up to three in the afternoon!

Clearly, the Jews are the chosen people. Chosen by Yahweh to kick fucking ass! And that's what they're doing: freaking out and maiming and slaughtering Islamoids. It's kind of beautiful. At least until Jesus comes back and fries their Christ-killing asses. Anyway, I give them another week to turn Lebanon into Iraq II, then we nuke Syranistan together. Then we'll crack up over the phone and maybe I'll take a nap after.

Y'see, the Iranian regime is evil. They are bad. Iran is run by a paranoid, parochial social club of intolerant, sexless men who think God talks to them and them only. Trust me, I know the type. Them Iranians got a real hard-on to be the boss of Oilrabia, and we can't let them do that. No sir. Because there is no looming energy crises. American reserves the right to suck this rock dry and by the time that happens, I have an alternative energy plan that will work. Ever seen Jurassic Park? That's right – we'll just grow us some brontosauruses and squeeze the liberty nectar outta them. A-booya.

There are some who are beginning to grumble about Something-Something Three. They talk on the TV, acting like they know what's the 411 on 666. Why is it that every time some American, who should be happy every minute that he or she lives in this neat-o Gulag-Mart of a country, feels he has to take his FREEDOM® seriously and start mouthing off from his heart and mind. I will TELL you what's happening in the Middle East, got it?

Ahem. So, what's happening in the Middle East? That depends on what your definition of "is" is. I can tell you what ISN'T happening: abused and threatened nation-states marginalized by this administration, and sanctioned to within an inch of their existences are totally not going off the deep end. These deluded countries that pour all of their meager resources into building up their militaries at the expense of their populace are so not trying to protect their turf from total annihilation by the US. They're also not laying sneaky traps, luring America and its ally Israel into accelerating the Middle East's hatred of both. These guys aren't batshit powermongers lusting for regional hegemony, and the spoils therein.

Meanwhile, North Korea is also not in constant contact with Iran, and is not taking pot shots all over the Pacific, baiting Japan. Russia and China are not checking America's influence in the world by offering silent patronage to Syria, Iran, and North Korea. And let's dispel this rumor right here and now – just because 6,000 or so Iraqazoids have been killed in sectarian violence in less than two months doesn't mean it's a civil war. ARE WE FUCKING CLEAR ON THIS??? Good.

Just think, 2000 years of western civilization, 2,000 years of advances in science, philosophy, industry, art, and social experimentation, 2,000 years of collected wisdom and experience have climaxed in my leadership. What could go wrong? Just in case Israel's berserker campaign to fight the termites in their house by setting it on fire continues, and starts throwing off the top secret Rapture sked, I'm sending Condi over there to triumphantly take charge, gloves off, to do what she does best – dick all.

To those Americans still trapped in Lebanon, I say – are you really THAT American you'd be vacationing in Lebanon? If you really are American, then take heart. I'm sending Michael "Brownie" Brown over there to organize the evacuation, so just sit back and relax; you'll end up a floating corpse any day now. In the meantime, make reservations with the State Department; they accept all major credit cards. FREEDOM® ain't free. Ironic, huh?

In closing, everything is fine, folks. We've got the most powerful military in the world stretched to the breaking point over the rack of incompetence, and to those of you who've ever played RISK – you know that that's the way to win a war. Not that there's a war going on. Nope. "Mission Accomplished" and all that pish-posh. I've got it all under control. We anticipated all of this. This isn't big, stupid, arrogant America thinking brute force is a substitute for pussy-assed brainiac "strategy". We are not on the brink of a world war that will put an end to the Great Post-911TM Party and force us all to sober up and own our fuck-ups. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Look into my eyes America. Deep, deep into my eyes. Think of something happy. A surfboard you want to purchase. A double cheeseburger. Perhaps re-watching TiVO'd episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Stare into my eyes, crank up FOX News and sleep. Sleep.

Sleeeeeeeeeep.

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