2006 G-8 SUMMIT: PRESIDENT BUSH PRESENTS BRILLIANTLY INSIGHTFUL AND NUANCED IDEAS TO ELIMINATE WORLD'S THORNIEST PROBLEMS
Presidential Policy Outline
THE PRESIDENT: Yo Blair! (Chomp-Chomp) Nice spread of chow, huh Poodle Boy? Anyway, (Chomp-Chomp) I've been thinking about all these dumb (Chomp-Chomp)
problems that everyone keeps bellyaching about (Chomp-Chomp), and I done thought up solutions (Sluuuuurp) for all of them. Listen up:
ON STARVATION IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA: "What them African babies need to do is wipe the blowflies out of their eyes and start cracking open some cans of Campbell's Chunky and shit and then they're full!"
ON POVERTY: "What somebody's gotta do is get poor folks to get better brokers and invest heavily in sure-thing stocks and it's over!"
ON BIRTH DEFECTS: "What doctors need to do is tell fetuses to stop sprouting extra arms and flippers and shit out of their faces, and then it's over!"
ON WILD FIRES: "What they gotta do is invent flame-retarded trees and shrubs and grass and shit so they stop catching fire all the time and it's over!"
ON CLIMATE CHANGE: "What should happen is they put a whole bunch of giant air conditioners around the glaciers and cool that shit down and then it's over!"
ON A.I.D.S.: "What folks gotta do is practice abstinence-only when it comes to poking monkey cornhole and stop sitting on AIDS-encrusted toilet seats and then not get sick and that shit is over!"
ON DEALING WITH AL QAEDA: "What them evildoers gotta do is start standing still so when we shoot 'em they're dead 'n' shit."
ON MALARIA: "What they need to do is pick up a whole mess of Deep Woods Off® down at Costco to stop them shitbird skeeters from biting and it's over!"
ON UNEMPLOYMENT: "What people need to do is change their names so they're the same as their smart and well-connected daddies, and then say 'yes' when folks throw jobs at them, and then that unemployment shit is over!"
ON ACID RAIN: "What they gotta do is tell those San Fagcisco hippies how nobody wants their lousy LSD mixed up with the rain and then it's over!"
ON THE TRADE DEFICIT: "What needs to happen is folks shopping at Wal-Mart gotta buy more cheap plastic shit that's made by American Mexicans instead of Chineses and then it's over!"
ON NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM: "What they gotta do is get China to get Kim Jong Il to stop being such an annoying little pygmy motherfucker and shit and it's over!"
ON RELIGIOUS STRIFE: "What folks need to do is flip the bird to all the bullshit Gods and start kissing Jesus' creamy ass but good and then everyone's a Christian and it's over!"
ON CONTAMINATED WATER: "What everyone has to do is sign up for a nice, clean Poland Springs water cooler and then they deliver it right to your house and that shit-in-the-water problem is over!"
White House Information:
