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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - June 30, 2006 - 3:44 P.M. (EST)

Officious Archival Dispatch

Elvis Presley, the renowned crooner of such classic songs as "Blue Suede Shoes", "Heartbreak Hotel", "Jailhouse Rock" and... "Blue Suede Shoes", remains a beloved figure for millions of people worldwide. While Elvis played many roles in his career: singer, movie star, soldier and corpulent barbiturate vortex, his frequently overlooked connections to the White House are especially interesting. In celebration of President Bush and Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi's June, 2006 visit to Graceland, we bring you a history of Elvis and the presidents.

Elvis & Dwight D. Eisenhower: As a Godly Republican, President Eisenhower was alarmed at young Elvis Presley's popularity, built as it was upon the wholesale appropriation of the distinctive mush-mouthed singing and lewd genital thrusting dances of 1950's Negroes. In an effort to staunch the spread of this pernicious cultural cancer, President Eisenhower had Elvis drafted into the United States Army on March 24, 1958, betting unsuccessfully on the entertainer's untimely demise during a basic training "accident".

Elvis & John F. Kennedy: Recently declassified documents reveal that Elvis was recruited as a consultant by fellow sex addict John F. Kennedy, who sought expert advice on the most pressing issues of his brief tenure: hair styling, pain killers, and discreetly taking care of Hollywood blonde bombshells who can't keep their big mouths shut about extramarital affairs.

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Elvis & Lyndon B. Johnson: Directly inspired by President Johnson's tasteful redecoration of the Oval Office, Elvis equipped the Graceland living room with a triple-TV console. Presley was also known to emulate Johnson's fondness for conducting official business while defecating, and for dying as a result of acute myocardial infarction.

Elvis & Richard M. Nixon: On, December 21, 1970, Elvis Presley paid his first and only visit to the White House, requesting that he be made "Federal Agent-at-Large" in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. During a brief meeting with President Nixon in the Oval Office, Presley presented the President with a commemorative World War II Colt 45 pistol, and expressed his desire to "help the country out." To show his tremendous gratitude, Nixon ordered Presley's home, plane, and fleet of cars to be immediately bugged by the FBI.

Elvis & Gerald Ford: While Elvis Presley and President Ford never met directly, First Lady Betty Ford and Elvis did have several prescription medications in common, including Darvon®, Nembutal®, Luminal®, Seconal®, Konopin®, Librium®, Haldol®, Valium®, Quaalude®, Hyptor®, Methased®, Mollinox®, Paxidorm®, Revonal®, Riporest®, Rouqualone®, Sedaquin®, Sindesvel®, Somnafac®, Sonal®, Somberol®, Sombulex®, Somnium®, Somnomed®, Soverin®, Tanxeme®, Toquilone®, Toraflon®, Torinal® and Tuazolone®.

Elvis & Jimmy Carter: Genealogical evidence strongly suggests that Elvis Presley and President Jimmy Carter were actually related – as sixth cousins once removed. Upon Presley's death on August 16, 1977, Carter issued a brief statement praising his cousin's "vitality, rebelliousness, and good humor" before returning to his normal routine of allowing America to be violently sodomized by OPEC, Iran and the Russkies.

Elvis & Ronald Reagan: While Elvis had passed on several years before America was blessed with the greatest President in its history, Elvis did make the acquaintance of one of the Gipper's children. Maureen Reagan, the daughter President Reagan abandoned when he divorced her mother Jane Wyman, landed a small role in Presley's fourth film, Kissin' Cousins (MGM, 1964), as well as a somewhat larger role – which had no lines, but plenty of mouthwork – in Presley's third Cadillac, while parked, on the back seat.

Elvis & George H.W. Bush: George H.W. Bush was born in Massachusetts. Elvis Presley's songs were also sometimes played on the radio in (you guessed it!) Massachusetts.

Elvis & William J. Clinton: So keen was former President Bill Clinton on "The King of Rock and Roll", he adopted the nickname "Elvis", and even cemented his 1992 presidential victory by playing "Heartbreak Hotel" on the saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show. He also made it a point to imitate Elvis' voracious appetite for both artery-clogging sandwiches and fat chicks with beehive hairdos.

Elvis & George W. Bush: During a 2004 speech, First Lady Laura Bush revealed:

"One day, my mother-in-law, Barbara Bush, received a call from the school principal, who said that George was in his office... George had disrupted his music class. In true Elvis fashion, he'd taken a piece of charcoal and drawn sideburns and then tried to perform for the other children."
Almost fifty years later, President George W. Bush would travel to Graceland with fellow Elvis fanatic Junichiro Koizumi of Japan. There, away from the prying eyes of cameras, President Bush offered a heartfelt farewell to his Iraq War compatriot, serenading the Prime Minister with a stirring rendition of "Ruv Me Tender".


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