ATTORNEY GENERAL GONZALES: Good morning. Today I am extremely proud to assure the American people that despite our wide-open borders, foreign-controlled ports, and totally unsecured chemical and nuclear plants, that the Bush administration is making great strides in keeping Americans safe from Negroes with self-esteem and bad attitudes.

(Applause.)

Earlier today, a federal grand jury indicted seven Miami black men in an emerging plot to think about maybe someday getting around to committing acts of "homegrown terror." I want to congratulate my fellow Republican law enforcement colleagues, whose inspired plan to stage fake Al Qaeda initiation ceremonies (which include the "Hummus Bong" and "Glory To Allah Hole") made it possible to elevate some trash-talking losers, who were "more aspirational than operational," into the kind of hardcore evildoers who could totally wipe out our entire country.

Here at the Justice Department, we know that all across the world, young men of Middle Eastern descent or appearance are being warped by religious extremism into glorifying acts of violence-a sickening practice that is inexcusable, unless you're a US Marine recruiter. We also know that here in America, home-grown terrorism has only been committed by blue-eyed dudes with buzzcuts who listen to Rush Limbaugh. And so it seemed only natural and logical to dispatch anti-terror squads to America's urban ghettos, to arrest a bunch of coloreds

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with no money, no weapons, no plans, and no future – except maybe for prison or the empty promise of NBA or Hip Hop dreams cruelly dangled and deferred. Let's be frank: whenever crap goes down, nothing calms the SUV set down like going all stormtrooper throughout America's various urban internment camps.

(Applause.)

Yes, Americans owe a profound debt of gratitude to the brave FBI agents who risked their lives to infiltrate and effectively motivate this nefariously lethargic group, whose dark thoughts might otherwise have never crystallized into the handful of blurry cellphone photos which constitute this indictment's only piece of so-called evidence. Thanks to them, Americans can sleep soundly tonight, soothed by always-comforting contrast of Negro mugshots printed on tabloid front pages.

So let this be a lesson to other piss-poor gang-bangers in cornrows who casually "dis" on America while lounging around smoking blunts and sucking down 40's of St. Ides: the United States Department of Justice is listening! We're listening to your phone calls. We're reading your e-mails and bank statements, those of you who have bank accounts. And we're paying fat rewards to your paranoid neighbors for any information – made up or otherwise – which helps us turn you into the kind of super-scary boogey men that FOX News can run daily breathless reports about all day long.

It goes without saying that these allegedly 100% certified members of Al Queda planned on blowing up not just the Sears Tower in Chicago, and a bunch of gay Jewish septuagenarians in pastel muu-muus, but also every single important icon in whatever city you might live in. It was a plot whose scope, breadth, and imagination could only be pulled off by a bunch of broke-ass scapegoats.

In closing, I'd also like to announce that based on the resounding success of Operation Negro Thoughtcrime Entrapment thus far, this valuable program will be expanded into other realms of law enforcement. Specifically, working in cooperation Departments of Motor Vehicles in all 50 states, local police will begin issuing preventative speeding tickets to all Negroes who have leased or purchased vehicles capable of exceeding 65 miles per hour.

(Applause.)

And beginning next year, any Negro who purchases an iPod will receive a complementary body cavity search by agents from the FBI copyright protection office. We're also monitoring the purchases of the following DVDs: Malcom X, Scarface, Die Hard, and White Chicks.

(Applause.)

Finally, with the mid-term elections a scant four months away, I want to explicitly remind Americans that it behooves them to remember that they are in constant, never-ending and horrifying danger. From terrorists. And lazy jigaboos. And lazy terrorist jigaboos. Like these here that we caught. Aren't we doing a great job? It's only us Republicans that are protecting you from a veritable cornucopia of super-evil terrorist plots that might or might not exist.

(Applause.)

Thank you.

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