PRESIDENT'S POLL-BOOSTING REMARKS TO MAJORLY PUMPED-UP MILITARY GRUNTS DURING SURPRISE VISIT TO THE NEWLY SUPER-SAFE VIETRAQ
Remarks by the President
(Rustle of military personnel patiently waiting in Green Zone hanger; a large cake is wheeled out
next to podium. A hush descends.)
DISHEVELED AMERICAN DIPLOMAT OF NO IMPORTANCE: Ahem. Um. Hello, soldiers! Are you ready?
DISHEVELED AMERICAN DIPLOMAT OF NO IMPORTANCE: Who wants to rock?!
(ďRadar LoveĒ by Golden Earring begins to blare.)
DISHEVELED AMERICAN DIPLOMAT OF NO IMPORTANCE: Ladies and Germs... FRESH OFF A WHIRLWIND SUPER-SECRET TRIP FROM
CAMP DAVID... HEEEEREíS POOOOOOOTUS!
(Flashpots and fireworks explode; The President of the United States bursts out of cake, waving small American flags.)
THE PRESIDENT: Attention troops and troopettes: your Commander in Chief is inna house! WOOOP! WOOOP! WOOP!
Boy, itís really great to be back in the Green Zone – and not just because the rest of Baghdad is such a
terrifying clusterfuck, either. Hard to believe itís been almost a thousand days – and just as many flag-draped
coffins – since I last slithered into this joint on my belly. Sorry I donít have any plastic turkey
to hand out this time. (Laughter.) No matter though; this is still gonna be the best five hour vacation in Iraq ever!
Anyway, I wanted to tell you kids how these are real historic times. Yes, this here quagmire youíre helping pull
off here in Vietraq is super-important for FREEDOM® and Libertyô on account of 9/11®
and terror and yadda blah blah blabbity blah. Oh shit, we all know this line of BS backwards and forwards, right? So how about you grunts
just smile and nod and applaud so Fox News can cut together a good thirty second clip to play non-stop for the next week?
Listen, the only reason Iím here is because you fellas finally lucked out and had someone rat out that Bin Zarqawi
dude so we could give him a thousand pound JDAM enema. And let me tell you, I am MEGA-PSYCHED! Chief Of Staff Not-Andrew
Card told me Iím gonna get a bounce in the polls – all on account of happy little accidents! Iím sure gonna enjoy
these next few days, at least until Americans return their wearied gazes back to how many of you are dead and how my Administration
has royally fucked up every last policy issue imaginable. Until then though, lemme tell you: prayer works!
Anyway, with that Abu Zar Hussein dead, I figure that means Iíve got 48 hours – 72 hours tops – before
that nasty Iraq terrorism hydra I created spawns a new head and sends this shithole of a country right back into utter
chaos. (Winks.) So start soaking up my awesomeness and filling your morale tanks boys, because I'll be bravely splitting just
as soon as the sun goes down and it's safe for my luxury 747 to take off with all the lights turned off.
Sure, some folks say I'm just coasting along at this point, on account of Iím a lame duck who doesnít have to get re-elected
or anything. And well, for the most part, thatís totally true. And yet, back at Yale I did major in that historical stuff,
so even though I did sleep through most of my lectures, there is a teensy-weensy part of me that cares about how people
will talk and think about how I did as President in the years to come. Specifically, the arrogant trustifarian megalomaniac
part. (Thumbs up.)
Which reminds me: I also did some actual presidenting stuff today when I swung by the new Iraqazoid Prime Minister's office.
His name is Nouri al-Malla-Walla-Wikki-Wammi or something, and he was real nice – for a squirrelly little puppet
fella. Too bad that sucker will probably be killeded by evildoers within a year. Maybe if he was more of a swinging-dick
John Wayne tough guy like me, he could–
(Sound of distant explosion.)
WHAT WAS THAT??? ARE WE UNDER ATTACK? OH SWEET CHRIST, I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIIIE! SOMEBODY GET ME BACK TO CRAWFORD!
PRONTO! (Frantic sobbing, tears, copious soiling of tighty whities.)