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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - June 8, 2006 - 9:02 A.M. (EST)

MISSION EVEN MORE ACCOMPLISHEDER! PRESIDENT'S SOLEMN REMARKS CELEBRATING THE SLAUGHTER OF OSAMA AL ZAR LADEN, JR.
Remarks by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Howdy-ho press peeps! I know it's early in the morning, but I am just really happy to see y'all. What a handsome bunch of annoying, pain-in-the-ass, question-asking fellers.

Wow. Heh. Are you ready for this shit?

WE DONE FINALLY KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN! YEEEE-HHAAAA! IT'S OUR SECOND MEGA-SUPER VICTORY IN LIKE... ONLY... TWO AND HALF YEARS!!!

What do you think of THAT? Why, I was just having a meeting with a bunch of crybaby congressional employees being all "Boo-hoo, the War in Iraq is screwing up my re-election campaign! Boo-hoo, I'm super scared please hold me! Boo-hoo, somebody change my poopy diaper." And then boo-ya – I get the greatest news ever. Well, the second greatest. The first being the Texas Rangers winning the World Series on the very same day Jesus returns to Earth riding a great big angry badass not-gay centaur.

And so, in conclusion, I told you so! I totally told –

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(White House aide interrupts.)

Un momento, poor favoors.

(Whispering.)

Right. So. Last night in Iraq, United States military forces killed the terrorist al-Zarqawi. Sigh. Which is, you know, great. We offed the Burger King of terrorism. But you gotta admit that this dude was an asshole, a vicious sumbitch who deserved to be express mailed to his hairy 72 black-eyed virgins, and their 72 black-hearted mothers-in-law. I mean, he needed killin', much like, I dunno, Ryan Seacrest, or Paris Hilton, or Arianna Huffington.

You know you're a bad dude when even the batshit religious mental cases turn you in to the Great Satan because you're too much of a batshit religious mental case. I dunno, maybe half way through drilling a hole in the head of some innocent Iraqi, one of al-Zarqawi's henchmen were all "Yeah, this is really messed up." I don't have to tell you, that this is a huge victory for our intelligence services, who succeeded in hunting al-Zarqawi down by sitting on their fat asses and waiting for a bunch of snitches to tell them where to drop the ordnance. I mean, in some ways, that stone cold killa reminds me of Rummy. The only difference being Rummy doesn't get blood under his nails, and al-Zarqawi didn't actually start the war in Iraq.

We should all solemnly celebrate the death of al-Zarqawi. Personally, I'm saying to hell with my bike ride today; I'm putting on fat pants, and pigging myself on crispy KFC chicken skin. Sometimes it fills that empty space inside. I'm sure, at this moment, the entire liberal establishment, from Nancy Pelosi to The New York Times, to most of Western Civilization, are mourning the passing of al-Zarqawi, as his death is proof that my administration is still capable of random acts of accidental competence, especially when we just let the military do their job. Fucking liberals love underdogs, especially those who blow up Jews.

Heh. Ain't it funny, this picture of al-Zarqawi makes him look like he's taking a nap. Little poo-bear sawin' logs in sleepy town. Hey, wake up. WAKE UP! HEY! A-heh-heh-heh. Mofo's deader than my poll numbers.

And in another three brutal years, maybe we'll succeed in killing another one of these guys, who so desperately want to die in the first place. So for the time being, it's America: 2, Chaos, bloodshed, and barbarism: 234. I have been told, however, not to mention how we're turning a corner, winning the war, breaking the back of the insurgency. In fact, things might deteriorate further. Ridiculously horrific violence might continue to grip Baghdad. The Iraqi puppet government might continue to impotently flounder. Stories of civilian massacres at the hands of our fast-food fed sons and daughters might continue to flow, as well as pictures of smoldering cars, and bloodied children. All I have to say is: don't worry about it. Everything is fine. Let's talk about gay marriage, flag burning, and death taxes. Because all three of those things are directly responsible for high gas prices, soaring debt, and the 17,000 or so grotesquely wounded veterans who answered their country's call and for their sacrifice, got the gift that keeps on giving, namely: identity theft. Is the VA part of the Department of Homeland Security? What a clusterfuck. Who's idea was that anyhoo?

I promise not to talk about Iraq at all, unless something totally awesome happens, like us using 1,000 pounds of TNT to kill a major terrorist whose death will actually further fan the flames of civil war in that place I'm not talking about. So in closing, I would like to quote those great American Poets, N'SYNC:

"Don't really wanna make it tough
I just wanna tell you that I had enough
Might sound crazy,
But it ain't no lie,
Bye, bye, bye."
Bye-bye al-Zarqawi. Thank you.

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