THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It's nice to be reunited with all my most mega-zealous supporters: the industrious CEOs of McJesus, Inc. Wow – I've been blowing you people off so much since the 2004 election, I'd forgotten what most of you looked like.

Reverend Falwell, always a pleasure to see that neck of yours jiggle in person. And Ralph, I see now that you're in your 40's, you've almost sprouted a little pube 'stache on your lip there. Real nice. And Pat, me and Laura really loved your Christmas card last year. The festive depiction of Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Buddhists being gang-raped and dismembered by demons in Hell was just lovely.

As you all know, in my first term we had barely sand-blasted the Clinton splooge off the Oval Office ceiling before I fed the Constitution into the shredder by creating the Department of Faith-Based Taxpayer Handouts. And I have taken great pleasure knowing what a shot in the arm that has been for the salvation industry. At the rate you boys are converting stadiums into mega-churches, there won't be anyplace left to play baseball by the time I leave office. (Laughter.)

Anyways, I know that in my second term, I haven't been stroking your God boners quite so frantically as back when I still needed your votes so I could keep living in this awesome mansion rent-free for another four years. But with the polls looking so bleak for November, I figured now's the time to stop pretending you're all dead, and prey on your paranoid bigotry by pretending like I give a fuck about that totally dead-on-arrival Anti-Homo Amendment.

That's the great thing about having a screaming mimi Christian base: folks who spend their whole lives fixated on an invisible God in Heaven who ignores them 100% of the time are super-ultra-easy to exploit when you're a visible God on Earth who only ignores them 98% of the time. Hell, all it takes is a call from the White House switchboard to get you fellas creaming your jeans like Jesus himself was on the horn. And I like that. (Thumbs Up.)

Which brings us to today. The scary fact is that our beloved Republican party is in danger of losing one or both houses of Congress this fall. And that would have real consequences. No, it wouldn't have an impact on any "wedge" social issues that we always promise you loonies we'll do something about, but then blow you off after the election. But losing Congress will make it way harder for me and my country club pals to make ourselves even more filthy rich. (Dabs tear.)

And so, even though it's been almost two years since we even pretended to care about fag marriage, now's the time to demonstrate our shared Godly compassion by trotting that sucker back out into the light of day.

(Applause.)

I know you share my speech writers' belief that marriage is a sacred institution. It is a core stabilizing force in America's culture. Like legacy admissions to the Ivy League, Augusta National to the sport of golf, and slavery to the Red States.

Indeed, I will remind you all that a majority of Americans polled don't want gaysexuals to marry, even though they won't miss a single episode of sitcoms about handsome, taut, professional men living together in expertly decorated SoHo co-ops. After all, what would society be without millions of broken homes and emotionally savaged children paying for their parents mistake of listening to Jesus and not using birth control?

Fortunately, Karl Rove and I know we can count on wholesome, totally straight Christian folks being so obsessed with thinking about naked homos rubbing their stinky parts together, that they will happily vote themselves into the poorhouse year after year after year. For as my hunky Press Secretary Tony Toni Toné said the other day: this is a CIVIL RIGHTS issue. I am standing up for the vast Silent Minority, those blessed 30% who are so in loOoOove with yours truly, they support anything I say and do whatever I ask. Except enlist in the military.

(Applause.)

In closing, I am for the family, y'see. Traditional family. Workaholic father who is too busy playing golf to be with the kids. Frigid housewife whacked out on pills and Long Island Ice Teas, their faces poorly painted death masks stretched tight. Entitled children spoiled to the point that they are socially crippled. I'm for families, and puppies, and Christian values. Homos got no values. You want to hear a value? There are 5 million uninsured children in this country. There's a value. Wait. That's something to be ashamed of. Shit. Crap. Um...

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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