PRESIDENT DEMANDS THAT AMERICA'S SLAVE CLASS SING NATIONAL ANTHEM IN JESUS' LANGUAGE INSTEAD OF MUMBO-JUMBO MEXICANESE
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Hello, my Mexi-Rican amigos, or
"Ho-la" as you people say it.
I will try to speak slowly AND LOUDLY so that you can understand me. Can. You. Understand. Me? How. About.
Now? HOW. ABOUT. NOW?
It has come to my attention that many of you brush critters intend to sing the American Theme Song in your
native tongue, and well, I have to put my cowboy boot down. I can turn my back on this here problem of people
not expressly invited to America overstaying their welcome for a long time, but when it comes to the defining
jingle of this here nation, I have to pander to my paranoid, racist, piss-ignorant base.
You MUST sing The National Anthem the way it was written. No ifs, ands, or buts. Here, I'll show you how it's
done:
"Oh hey do you seeeeee, all that dawn-like bright light,
That so proudly we sailed at the twilight old beaming.
Whose broads, stripes and stars blah blah blah blah blah FIGHT!
Oh the go-carts we watched, for so gallantly screaming.
And the rockets red glaaaaaare! Dropping bombs in her haaaaairr!!
Blah blah blah blah blah, and the flag is still there!
Whoa say does that star-mangled banner flap ooooooon?
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks, I don't care if it ever waves back.
So it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the graaaand ooooold flaaaaag!"
See? Is that really so hard? I know that you have small, rodent-like ears and squat bodies designed to keep
you closer to the cool Earth, since heat rises. So maybe that's why you can't understand English: a complicated
language I managed to masterize somewhere around my second year in office. It's not your fault, the Good Lord
just made you different from normal folk like me.
Did you know white people invented science, and guns, and money? And you people figured out a way to get drunk
from cactuses. Them suckers is waxy and prickly! Maybe y'all was just wicked thirsty, but my ancestors would
never have spent their days sucking on a porcupine plant. We were too busy makin' civilization. That's just
one of millions and millions of ways that we're different.
But don't get me wrong, I love Mexicanitos. I love the way you mow lawns, make Chinese food, and wash my
stinky BVDs. I love the way you dance circles around sombreros, sleep in the street, and make pretend that
Texas was ever a part of a third world country like Mexico.
I have been told, or "briefed" in executive terms, that many of you have been protesting up a storm recently,
and I've been happily straddling the fence. I'm mighty impressed to see so many of you out there marching;
I only thought a 50% off sale at TJ Maxx could get you people in the streets!
See, on one hand I understand why real Americans are scared. By my guesstimation, there's one Arab terrorist
for every five Mezzicans. Scary, right? And even more, these real Americans are afraid you desert monkeys will
take important jobs away in the septic, strawberry, and humiliation industries. I¹m sorry, but I can't allow
the worst jobs in America be outsourced to those who will perform those jobs. I'd rather the positions remain
unfilled by real Americans.
And yet, on the other hand, there are a lot of Mexicans who are ACTUALLY Americans, and no doubt some of you
will one day squirt out citizens, and I want to make sure your stubby poo-fingers select Republican in the
voting booth.
As you can see, I'm conveniently of two minds as to this important issue that threatens to divide the nation.
And I will make up my mind as soon as the polls tell me what my mind is. Until then, I'm going to continue
advocating tagging Mezzican ear lobes with large GPS transmitters, while plowing a moat teeming with rattlesnakes
along the border. One of those two options has got to be the popularest.
Thank you, and God Bless an eternally unilingual America.
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