PRESS BRIEFING BY SCOTT McCLELLAN THAT IS ACTUALLY A WONDROUS FANTASMO-MAGICAL DREAM INDUCED BY EATING SPICY TACOS
Officious White House Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
(Sounds of xylophones and harps; sleep descends over Scott McClellan)
SEC. McCLELLAN: Good afternoon everyone.
ENTIRE PRESS CORPS: GOOD AFTERNOON SCOTT!
SEC. McCLELLAN: We have quite a lot to talk about, so let's get started...
REPORTER #1: That's a nice tie, Scott.
SEC. McCLELLAN: You think so?
REPORTER #2: Really brings out those beautiful eyes of yours.
REPORTER #3: Like these flowers.
SEC. McCLELLAN: Aw, man. You shouldn't have! What's the occasion?
REPORTER #1: Occasion? Why, we're merely celebrating another day of listening to you dispense
the unvarnished truth, Scott. Without you, how would the American people understand the myriad
complex issues the White Houses wrestles with every single day? Your irreproachable sense of integrity, character, and
patriotism is a daily inspiration to us all.
SEC. McCLELLAN: Thanks. You're the best press corps ever. Am I blushing?
REPORTER #2: Oh ho ho! A little!
HELEN THOMAS: Scott?
SEC McCLELLAN: Yes Helen?
HELEN THOMAS: Can you ever forgive me for being such a sour old cunt?
SEC. McCLELLAN: Shucks. Well, when you put it that way, sure I can Helen! But let's move on, shall
we? I don't have much to report other than the economy is stronger than it's ever been, and–
REPORTER #3: Sure is! I just got another credit card offer in the mail; can you believe that? It's
like free money! And I'm going to invest part of it Lotto, and therefore, back into the economy. It'll
trickle down! Much the way Wall Street insiders are going to trickle down on me, any minute now.
SEC. McCLELLAN: That's right! Let's see... the Administration would like to reiterate how much it
"mi gustas" the heck out of the Mexican people. We will strengthen our borders with barbed wire and
pitbulls, yet the cost of a strawberry margarita will not go up one cent. That is a Presidential promise.
(APPLAUSE & CHEERS)
REPORTER #2: Sounds reasonable to me!
REPORT #1: Scott! True or false: Iran is minutes away from being able to nuke Kansas City?
SEC. McCLELLAN: I'm going to go with True on that one!
(WARM, JOVIAL LAUGHTER CASCADES THROUGH BRIEFING ROOM)
REPORTER #3: Not to ruin the mood, Scott. But I have a question regarding the alleged rumor that the President
himself gave the go ahead to leak classified information in an attempt to punish people who disagreed
with White House policy. I mean, this is total claptrap, right?
SEC. McCLELLAN: That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm shocked and a little taken aback guys...
REPORTER #3: I'm sorry. I had to ask. I mean, it sounds absurd that this Administration would ever be dishonest
about anything. You've been on the straight and narrow about everything: from WMD, Hurricane Katrina, Plamegate,
Jack Abramoff, and so-called illegal wiretapping. Why start lying now?
SEC. McCLELLAN: Exactly. After all, there has been no leak. The President would never endanger national security
just to settle a score with a fat, loudmouth asshole diplomat and his frigid, secret agent whore wife. That said,
the President can declassify whatever he wants; for instance, later today he's releasing the nuclear launch codes
and all the Congressional Democrats' social security numbers!
REPORTER #1: I don't see the problem with that at all!
REPORTER #2: He is the President after all. He's like an extra super special citizen.
SEC. McCLELLAN: Also: we're all big fans of Scooter Libby. But everyone here knows he's a charming degenerate
alcoholic. And sometimes he says just the silliest things. Especially to grand juries. So when he says that
the President tacitly approved of using executive powers for punitive purposes, and involved the Vice
President in a conspiracy of petty partisan politics, what he's really saying is "can I have another Amstel Light?"
REPORTER #2: For the sake of argument, let's pretend there's a double standard here. Doesn't the President
hate people who tell secrets to bottom feeders like us?
SEC. McCLELLAN: You are right. But you're speaking hypothetically. You know what the truth is.
REPORTER #2: Of course, do you think I'm a loon? There is a difference between declassifying information in
the national interest and the unauthorized information of that kind of information. But what is the difference?
SEC. McCLELLAN: This Administration does not divulge state secrets. Not to anyone!
REPORTER #2: Bravo!
REPORTER #3: Once again, we fail to look between the lines and find the truth on our own. Forgive us, Scott?
SEC. McCLELLAN: Maybe. Just this once. (Friendly wink.)
REPORTER #1: We promise never to doubt you!
SEC. McCLELLAN: Be that as it may, I'm going to miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
SCARECROW: Follow the yellow brick road, Scott!
SEC. McCLELLAN: Well, gentlemen, this is my unicorn. That means the briefing is over.
REPORTER #3: Hello First Lady Laura Bush! What a lovely, revealing two piece bikini you are wearing!
LAURA BUSH: Scott, take me now! I need a man. Spank me. SPANK ME! I've been a ba-a-ad girl...
(Sound of alarm clock ringing; Scott McClellan wakes up drenched in sweat.)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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