[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[RINGING]

REP. McKINNEY: Hello?

THE PRESIDENT: Hello. Is this Representative McKinney? Cynthia McKinney?

REP. McKINNEY: Maybe it is and maybe it ain't. Who wants to know? CNN? The New York Times? Somebody with a camera?

THE PRESIDENT: This here is President Bush. I heard about what happened with you and the security guard over at the Capitol, and... well... I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

REP. McKINNEY: Well isn't this a surprise! Mr. President, I must say that you are the very last white man I expected to hear from – especially after I talked all that smack about you being actively complicit in the murder of thousands of people on 9/11. And yet here you are!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, well, that's all in the past. Anyway, I just want you to know that I think it's real awful what happened to you, and that me and Laura both think it leaves a black mark on the Congressional–

REP. McKINNEY: Excuse me? A WHAT mark? So a mark is automatically bad because it's black? Is that what you are saying to me, Mr. President?

Get the GODLY New Book!

THE PRESIDENT: No ma'am! All I was trying to say was that no matter what other folks are saying, I don't think you should get arrested just for slugging that policeman in the face. I mean, if the Secret Service did that for every Monday morning I've sucker-punched some new agent for not recognizing my booze-bloated mug, I'd have done half my presidenting from the pokey.

So you see, I'm saying I don't think it's your fault.

REP. McKINNEY: I know it ain't my fault! I ain't no fool! Are you trying to bust some of that reversible psychomacology on my ass?

THE PRESIDENT: No, I just mean that as a fellow shameless narcissist, I also get mighty pissed when unimportant losers don't grovel at my feet like all those fawning sycophants we politicians surround ourselves with. And as an evangelical Christian waging a fictitious "culture war," I too share your fondness for knee-jerk outrage and showboating victimhood. And one day soon, folks–

REP. McKINNEY: Who you calling a coon?!

THE PRESIDENT: No, I said "soon." One day soon, folks will–

REP. McKINNEY: Oh, suuure you said "soon." So I'm the one who called myself a coon? Is that what you're telling me, Mr. President? This is just like when whitey gunned down Tupac and framed Biggie for it. Well I don't think so, Uncle Cracker!

THE PRESIDENT: Congressman, please.

REP. McKINNEY: Congresswhat? Do I sound like a man to you? I am a woman – a sista – and I will NOT apologize for crashing this little sausage hang y'all got going here in DC. And honey-child, I do mean little.

THE PRESIDENT: I hear you, ma'am – which is why I want to encourage you to keep holding lots and lots and LOTS of press conferences about how that guard almost-lynched you by touching your arm. Instead of just daily, I recommend hourly press conferences. Because goodness knows, it's not like anything else of consequence is happening in the House of Representatives this month. And I think you'll agree, it would be terrible if you were deprived of all that coverage just because the racist media would rather waste valuable air time on white men – white men like Tom Delay.

REP. McKINNEY: You're right about that, baby. I keep telling C-SPAN that they need to make reparations for all those hours broadcasting whitey by starting a new channel devoted exclusively to ME.

THE PRESIDENT: Well good luck with that; but in the meantime, please do keep up the daily press conferences – hopefully straight through to November – but at the very least until Easter.

REP. McKINNEY: Easter? Far as I'm concerned, Easter's just another way for the white man to keep me down. What color is the Easter Bunny? White. You ever try to dye brown Easter eggs with a kit from those racist bastards at Paas? And what about Peter Cottontail? Might as well call him "Peter Keep-A-Nigga-Down-On-The-Plantation-Tail!" And another thing: last I checked, a coconut is BROWN. So how come it's the white jellybeans get that flavor, and the black jellybeans gotta taste like ass and get left behind at the bottom of the bowl?

Anyway, how'd you get this number? This is a brand new cellphone I had to get after cracking my other one in half on that dumb rent-a-cop's racial profiling head.

THE PRESIDENT: How'd I get the number? Oh that was easy. It's right here at the top of the transcripts of every call you made this morning. I just had Alberto pull the file.

But don't worry ma'am; I made a commitment to protect the privacy of every American. And I will not renig on that–

REP. McKINNEY: Re-WHAT?!

THE PRESIDENT: OK ma'am. I hope you have a good day. Don't forget about those press conferences, OK?

REP. McKINNEY: Oh no you didn't! I heard what you called me! Three strikes and you are out, honky! I'm calling Harry Bellafonte! I'm calling Spike Lee! I'm calling Bill Clinton! Don't you hang up on me! Your cracker ass is going down! I'm the future of the Democratic party! I'll sell out the Civil Rights Movement's legacy for cheap, race-baiting soundbytes on TV! I'm like a pretty, pretty prom queen!

THE PRESIDENT: Goodbye, ma'am. Remember: press conferences.

[CLICK]

[END TRANSCRIPT]

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