THE PRESIDENT: This morning, I was briefed on the situation of a certain Abdul Rahman: an Afghaniac guy who is being sentenced to death for no other reason than having the good sense to wake up and stop buying that moon god nonsense and walk with the one-and-only true Lord Jesus Christ. As such, I find this death sentence "deeply troubling."

After all, it's not like my staff doesn't have enough to do destroying the environment and inciting global furor without having to answer thousands of e-mails from Southern evangelicals named "Sue Beth" and "Tommy Joe" who think Abdul is an adorable brown-skinned puppy dog who the Green Berets should be air-lifting to the safety of America – so long as he doesn't try to buy a house within fifty miles of their gated communities.

As any über-Christian flag-waver here in the United States will tell you, America's founding fathers – who also invented FREEDOM^® – were Christian; meaning that America was built upon Christian principles. So it only stands to reason that whenever America kills and bombs a country into FREEDOM^®, that means THEY TOO are automatically built on Christian principles! So how can Afghanishland kill a guy just for flipping Moohammed the bird? That would be like executing a Texan for converting from veganitarianism to barbecueism!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Frankly, I am just a little embarrassed that the Afghanistazis can't grasp that – and as such are clearly not appreciating the full scope of the Christly awesomeness that is FREEDOM^®.

Fortunately, since the Afghafarian government has its lips clamped firmly on America's cash teat, I am pretty confident that we can get this official death sentence squashed. As such, I have directed Dr. Rice to inform Hammid Karzai that my tongues-talking base is all hot and bothered about this, so if he wants to keep his U.S. Special Forces security detail, he'd better see to it that Abdul isn't executed. After all, it's not like poor Abdul is some Houston negro dealing dimebags! Back when I was governor, I used to fry them all the time! (Laughs.)

Of course, now that Abdul is a bona fide symbol, any steps our puppets take won't help him with the string of fatwahs that are sure to come from all of Afghanistan's Muslamiac-flavored Pat Robertson types. Because man, once you get those loony-birds whipped up, you are living on borrowed time, brother. (Laughs.) Truth is, I think old Abdul had better team up with Salman Rushdie and get a sweet timeshare on the moon!

In closing, let me just say that this is another one of those times when us guys in the politics game have to spew a lot of mush-mouthy diplomatic double-talk. Specifically, I want people to hear me state on the record that false religions like Islam are "beautiful" and "peaceful." And I will make it a point NOT to mention how firmly I believe that every last person who actually buys into that mumbo-jumbo WILL suffer eternal agony and torture for all eternity at the hands of my loving God.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help