PRESIDENT'S RUMINATIONS ON THE THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF AMERICA'S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL FREEDOMIZATIONIZING OF VIETRAQ
Officious White House Transcript
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, today marks three
whole years since I kicked off America's brilliantly-planned and wholly justified invasion of Texraq.
This morning I had a phone call with our ambassador to Iraq, right
after some stress-relieving power squats and a deeeee-licious pitcher of Pat Robertson's High Protein
Weight Loss Shake, which takes off those "plunging poll pounds" way better than my usual fistfuls of
It was a good phone call. I said "Hello, whoever you are, you unlucky son of a bitch." And he went "Aaaah!
Run! Car bomb!" Ha ha ha. It's a joke we play with each other, if we actually knew each other. I think
the guy is a raghead. I dunno.
And the ambassador informed me of the progress that the Iraqis are making in forming a unity government.
And we laughed. And he said, "No, no, seriously – all I have to do is put out a free hummus bar and they
show up!" He tells me the unity government is unified behind one lofty ideal – get rid of the
corrupting forces of American occupation, and replace it with their own corrupting forces.
I'll say one thing about those Iraqazoids – they're like Texans. They're greedy, paranoid religious fanatics
who loooove to blow shit up. Now if only they could learn how to linedance to Travis Tritt in super-tight Levis that show
off your package like it's a fat, vacuum-packed frankfurter! (Thumbs up.)
Anyway, I encouraged the Iraqi leaders to continue to work hard to get this government up and running, so that it
can impotently sit around as American contractors drink champagne inside armored party buses. Three years
after we bombed it to shit, Iraq might still lack sufficient municipal infrastructure due to discount Nation
Builders like Halliburton; but at least they don't live in New Orleans. HAR! I firmly believe that sometimes
you have to spend a lot, and I mean A LOT, of money in order to achieve the bare minimum of results.
You know, with the price tag of the War on Terror reaching one trillion dollars, we could have just employed
every Iraqi, instead of letting them suffer through crippling unemployment, vast power outages, and the
brink of civil war. Damn, but I hear them varmints are fun to shoot!
The Iraqi people voted for democracy last December; 75 percent of the eligible citizens went to the polls to
vote. And don't quote me, but I think it was because they thought they were voting on whether or not to
send Uncle Sam packing; preferably bound, gagged, and shoved inside a dead camel's colon.
One day, the Iraqis will realize that ever paternal America liberated them from destitution, indignity, and
random brutality and into the arms of destitution, indignity, and random brutality.
Now the Iraqi leaders are working together to enact a government that reflects the will of the people. And
from where I sit, that will seems to be killing US soldiers, killing each other, and killing anyone different
just to be sure. I'll say something else for those Iraqis – it's sure easy to treat the fuckers like
dogs, so long as they act like them. Woof, woof!
I'm encouraged by the progress. The ambassador, safe behind the walls of the heavily fortified Green Zone,
was encouraged by it. As it stands, Iraq is poised to remain a roiling nightmare of violence-plagued urban
shitpits, and rural valleys of sudden death. It is the center of the War On Terror, and make no mistake – the
terrorists are still out t'getcha! Boo! And there are still Weapons of Mass Destruction! And anthrax! And
never, ever vote your pocketbook, because you could be all dead tomorrow! Boogety-boogety-wah-ha-ha!
Today also marks the third anniversary of the beginning of the shockin' aweseome liberation of Iraq. I don't
know what you buy on the third anniversary of a liberation. I think the first is morphine, and the second a
false leg. Maybe the third is fresh bandages.
And it's a time to reflect, but not too deeply, America! Reflect too deeply and you might get all "WHAT THE
FUCK ARE YOU FUCKERS DOING?" We don't want that. No siree.
So this morning, our reflections were upon the sacrifices of the men and women who wear our uniform. Each
and every one of them is a Republican. Especially the dead. Because if there's any group of Americans on
whose behalf I love speaking for, it's dead soldiers. It is an honor to put words in the mouth of such an
agreeable group of Americans. This is one point those evil baby-eating faggots who worship Tom Cruise who
call themselves Democrats can agree with me on.
Ours is an amazing nation where thousands have volunteered to serve our country, and we pay them back by
ignoring their funerals, cutting their veterans benefits, and nickel-and-diming them on body armor. The
best of America is fighting in Iraq; it's just too bad the worse are calling the shots in Washington.
But look on the bright side: when was the last time a jetliner flew into your corporate park? Right?
And so, on this, the third anniversary of the beginning of anarchy in Vietraq, I can only say: here's
to twenty more!