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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 19, 2006 - 1:01 P.M. (EST)

Officious White House Transcript

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, today marks three whole years since I kicked off America's brilliantly-planned and wholly justified invasion of Texraq. This morning I had a phone call with our ambassador to Iraq, right after some stress-relieving power squats and a deeeee-licious pitcher of Pat Robertson's High Protein Weight Loss Shake, which takes off those "plunging poll pounds" way better than my usual fistfuls of chocolate laxatives.

It was a good phone call. I said "Hello, whoever you are, you unlucky son of a bitch." And he went "Aaaah! Run! Car bomb!" Ha ha ha. It's a joke we play with each other, if we actually knew each other. I think the guy is a raghead. I dunno.

And the ambassador informed me of the progress that the Iraqis are making in forming a unity government. And we laughed. And he said, "No, no, seriously – all I have to do is put out a free hummus bar and they show up!" He tells me the unity government is unified behind one lofty ideal – get rid of the corrupting forces of American occupation, and replace it with their own corrupting forces.

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I'll say one thing about those Iraqazoids – they're like Texans. They're greedy, paranoid religious fanatics who loooove to blow shit up. Now if only they could learn how to linedance to Travis Tritt in super-tight Levis that show off your package like it's a fat, vacuum-packed frankfurter! (Thumbs up.)

Anyway, I encouraged the Iraqi leaders to continue to work hard to get this government up and running, so that it can impotently sit around as American contractors drink champagne inside armored party buses. Three years after we bombed it to shit, Iraq might still lack sufficient municipal infrastructure due to discount Nation Builders like Halliburton; but at least they don't live in New Orleans. HAR! I firmly believe that sometimes you have to spend a lot, and I mean A LOT, of money in order to achieve the bare minimum of results.

You know, with the price tag of the War on Terror reaching one trillion dollars, we could have just employed every Iraqi, instead of letting them suffer through crippling unemployment, vast power outages, and the brink of civil war. Damn, but I hear them varmints are fun to shoot!

The Iraqi people voted for democracy last December; 75 percent of the eligible citizens went to the polls to vote. And don't quote me, but I think it was because they thought they were voting on whether or not to send Uncle Sam packing; preferably bound, gagged, and shoved inside a dead camel's colon.

One day, the Iraqis will realize that ever paternal America liberated them from destitution, indignity, and random brutality and into the arms of destitution, indignity, and random brutality.

Now the Iraqi leaders are working together to enact a government that reflects the will of the people. And from where I sit, that will seems to be killing US soldiers, killing each other, and killing anyone different just to be sure. I'll say something else for those Iraqis – it's sure easy to treat the fuckers like dogs, so long as they act like them. Woof, woof!

I'm encouraged by the progress. The ambassador, safe behind the walls of the heavily fortified Green Zone, was encouraged by it. As it stands, Iraq is poised to remain a roiling nightmare of violence-plagued urban shitpits, and rural valleys of sudden death. It is the center of the War On Terror, and make no mistake – the terrorists are still out t'getcha! Boo! And there are still Weapons of Mass Destruction! And anthrax! And never, ever vote your pocketbook, because you could be all dead tomorrow! Boogety-boogety-wah-ha-ha!

Today also marks the third anniversary of the beginning of the shockin' aweseome liberation of Iraq. I don't know what you buy on the third anniversary of a liberation. I think the first is morphine, and the second a false leg. Maybe the third is fresh bandages.

And it's a time to reflect, but not too deeply, America! Reflect too deeply and you might get all "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKERS DOING?" We don't want that. No siree.

So this morning, our reflections were upon the sacrifices of the men and women who wear our uniform. Each and every one of them is a Republican. Especially the dead. Because if there's any group of Americans on whose behalf I love speaking for, it's dead soldiers. It is an honor to put words in the mouth of such an agreeable group of Americans. This is one point those evil baby-eating faggots who worship Tom Cruise who call themselves Democrats can agree with me on.

Ours is an amazing nation where thousands have volunteered to serve our country, and we pay them back by ignoring their funerals, cutting their veterans benefits, and nickel-and-diming them on body armor. The best of America is fighting in Iraq; it's just too bad the worse are calling the shots in Washington. But look on the bright side: when was the last time a jetliner flew into your corporate park? Right?

And so, on this, the third anniversary of the beginning of anarchy in Vietraq, I can only say: here's to twenty more!


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