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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 3, 2006 - 6:17 P.M. (LOCAL)

Officious White House Transcript

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Prime Minister Singh and distinguished guests. Wow, that was some dinner. Now Laura and me, we're big fans of authentic Tex-Mex food like jalapeno poppers, so that "vindaloop" stuff was no problem for us. Of course, I can't speak for my staff and the White House press corps. Let's just hope Air Force One's plumbing can handle all the fire poo tomorrow. (Laughter.)

We are delighted to here in India, home to a proud civilization. Indeed, from the feather-festooned dream catcher, to the Foxwoods Casino, to Crazy Horse malt liquor, the influence of Indianic culture is both positive and profound. And tonight, I am proud to demonstrate my respect via your traditional patriotic gesture. (Tomahawk Chops.)

Yesterday, I visited a memorial to some fella named Mahatma Gandhi. Ironicalistically, while reading his words about peace and non-violence, I drew about a gallon of blood – from biting my own lip to keep from laughing! I mean, this squirrelly little guy actually got people to do what he wanted just by not eating? If he tried that on me and Dick Cheney, we'd strip that raisin-faced hippy naked, strap him to a gurney at Guantanamo and hook him up to an IV drip of beef stew!

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Fortunately, the world of today has no peacenik heroes like Mahomo Gandhi or his negro disciple Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Back in America, the closest we have is this whiny bird-looking broad who hangs out near my driveway. Fortunately, her 15 minutes were up last September. (Applause.)

And so like America, India has forged bravely ahead into the post-peace world. And that, my friends, is just the kind of country I can refrain from bombing. (Applause.)

Of course, we still have differences to overcome. For instance, India has a Hindu majority. That means that hundreds of millions of its people worship statues of horny elephants, red octopus devils, and blue Star Trek women. As such, they are not Christians, and will burn in Hell. And yet, until that day when they draw their last breath before being cast into the lake of fire to be viciously tortured by Jesus for all eternity, each holds value for America's corporations – in the form of non-unionized, bargain basement skilled labor. (Applause.)

In my country, this corporate "outsourcing" of jobs to India has become a topic of debate. Certain know-nothing people who don't even have huge stock portfolios suggest that it's somehow a bad thing when a corporation enriches its already rich stockholders by laying off thousands of American blue collar nobodies. And fortunately, since it's your country's economy that benefits while ours stagnates, I can say this in a speech here and still get cheap applause. (Applause.)

Yes, despite hubbub in the United States' peanut gallery, I want the people of India to rest assured that I, speaking in my capacity as duly appointed emissary of the American Plutocracy, am firmly on your side. Yes, the outsourced call centers are just the beginning. In fact, since you've been doing such a fabulous job helping tech-savvy Americans configure the "3D Pipes" screensavers on their Gateway laptops, I have actually decided to radically expand the scope of America's outsourcing relationship with India. (Applause.)

Effectively immediately, India will play an essential role in what has become America's number one export since I became President: global discord and instability. (Applause.)

Yes, America needs help extruding thick ropes of diplomatic feces onto international treaties. Specifically, the Nukular Nonproliferation Treaty. Sure, while my plans to develop "bunker-buster" mini-nukes go a long way towards telling the rest of the world that treaties are for losers, what would be really great is if India, which already has a sweet track record for flipping folks the bird when it comes to atomic weapons, would aggressively STEP UP its nukular program, too. Of course, this would be with my personal blessing which directly contravenes decades of American policies and may or may not be outright illegal. In short… LET THE NUKE TIMES ROLL! (Applause. Cheering.)

I figgered you people would like that. After all, nukular bombs are like a Hummer H1. They make insecure short guys with teensy-weensy cocks feel all strong and important. (Applause.)

In a few days, I'll return to America, but will never forget my time here in Indiastan. We're optimistic about our ability to continue to profit from and exploit your country and its people. The great Indian hero Tonto once said, "Me happy to be underpaid handservant of American cowboy, Kimosabe." Fortunately for us all, his spirit is still strong here in his exotic homeland. (Applause.)

Thank you all, and may God Bless America!


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