MR. McCLELLAN: Good morning. Having reviewed the contents of the newly authenticated tape from Osama bin Hussein, I have been authorized to respond to and comment on its contents.

First and foremost, as regards Mr. Bin Laden's offer of a wussy-pants so-called "truce": our formal answer is an unequivocal "N-O Spells 'No!'" America does not negotiate with terrorists. We put them out of business. Unless of course they enjoy killing people we don't like, such as Iranians or Soviets or the Sandanistas. In that case we use the CIA to funnel millions of dollars to them and turn them into covert puppets that do our dirty work. But even then, we never negotiate. We delegate.

With that main point behind us, there's another thing I'd like to address. As you know, Saddam bin Laden was speaking directly to the American people in this latest tape. Now the Bible teaches us – along with the first Exorcist movie – that Satan likes to confuse us by mixing the truth in with his lies. And since Osaddama is a bona fide evildoer, some folks might mistakenly think he's doing the same thing. Which is why I want to assure folks that every last word out of that psychopathic Allah freak's falafel-hole is 1000% FALSE.

Here are just a few examples from his latest rant:

Get the GODLY New Book!

EVILDOER LIE: "Polls show an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: No, polls show that only 65% of you want that – and a 15% margin is far from "overwhelming." Well, unless you're talking about a Presidential election that we won, in which case 2.87% is totally overwhelming, and also represents a sweeping mandate.

EVILDOER LIE: "The war in Iraq is waging with no let-up, and operations in Afghanistan are escalating in our favor."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: If that were true, don't you think you'd have heard a heck of a lot more about it lately? After all, it's not like America's ratings-obsessed news media would forego exhaustive coverage of a monotonous stream of roadside bombings and ambushes in favor of non-stop updates on that sexy blonde Aruba Girl!

EVILDOER LIE: "As for torturing men, they have used burning chemical acids…"
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: Earth to Bin Laden! White phosphorus – which was only banned for use by inferior countries – isn't technically an acid. Acid is a liquid. This is a waxy solid – that just happens to act like an acid. I mean, really! Have you no shame?

EVILDOER LIE: "They have not broken the fierceness of the resistance. The mujahadeen are increasing in number and strength… Iraq has become a point of attraction and restorer of our energies."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: That's silly. Just because polls across the Muslamoid world clearly indicate that hatred for America is directly proportionate to the duration and intensity of our military operations there, what possible relation could that have to swelling al Qaeda's ranks? I mean, talk about your weirdo twisted non-logic!

EVILDOER LIE: "We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy and now they are nothing. In that there is a lesson for you."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: HA! Everyone knows that it was GEORGE BUSH THE ELDER who reduced the Soviet Union to nothing by… ummm… being President when it happened! And anyway, whatever small part you and your thugs played in Afghanistan was funded by the Reagan administration. Remember that? That's right, you'd be nothing without America. We created you, remember? Who's your daddy, Terror Boy?

So there you have it: lie after lie after lie. Anyway, all this proposed "truce" means is that Obama is weak. It's like Vice President Cheney says: it's just a "ploy." He's just trying to spook us. He CAN'T strike us. And the reason we haven't been attacked since 9/11 isn't because he's been patiently planning something big, it's because our awesome new Police State THWARTED HIM. And if anybody says otherwise, that means they're a total terrorist-loving pussy.

Never mind that Bin Labia has issued essentially identical warnings prior to each and every major attack he has launched to date. Never mind that his loonybird religion compels him to do that, and he has proven himself consistently devout in that regard to date. No, never mind that stuff at all – because everyone knows that the smartest thing you can do in a war is to underestimate your enemy.

In closing, President Bush has one request for the American people: the next time the terror shit hits the fan here in the US, whatever you do, don’t watch all the television replays of us mega-macho chickenhawks swinging our dicks around and acting all tough and confident today. That will just make you sad and angry at your leaders, and there's no possible good that can come of that.

Thank you. No questions.

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